#1
I suppose this COULD be considered a song. I dont quite know. You decide.
I wrote it. I have no idea what to call it. Its just my thoughts.. Sans serif.


Belief!
An acceptance of the unacceptable.
Happiness!
Universally known.
Every Language.
No more masks.
This life is beyond sinecures
This life is about discovery
Finding cures.
A cure for sickness
A cure for depression
A cure for your instability
Pick up the pills
Pop them one by one
'Its the only way'
So they say.
Their way is not the only way.
Their way is the safe way.
I'm looking for real way
Go faster, Casket Master
Maestro of the show.
And rest in peace
you selfish bastard.
The only one you know.

----------
fin.


Crit for Crit. As it will always be for me.
#2
This is pretty good. Although I'm not sure if you made up the word sinecures, or if its a typo, or if its one of the rare words I've never heard before. And I dont know what you're obsession with sans-serif is... most people dont know what that means anyway.

But all that aside. I like this. It doesnt really follow much of a pattern and it sort of changes abruptly in the middle but overall it's good.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#3
Quote by screamsoftly
This is pretty good. Although I'm not sure if you made up the word sinecures, or if its a typo, or if its one of the rare words I've never heard before. And I dont know what you're obsession with sans-serif is... most people dont know what that means anyway.

But all that aside. I like this. It doesnt really follow much of a pattern and it sort of changes abruptly in the middle but overall it's good.


Sinecure: A position or office that requires little or no work but provides a salary.

Basically saying its a cover. Life isnt about covering your ass. Its about making a difference.

Thanks

Anything for me to critique?
#4
Ah, I see. That makes sense.

And you can critique the song in my sig. Thanks.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#5
I suppose Ill explain the sans-serif thing too...

Basically Serifs are non-structural details.

So im saying that its not about detail. Its about being raw and being real. No covers and not saying anything un-necessary.
#6
It's more of a poem really. But it's got a good message and it's a good piece of work. Nothing I can really tell you to change.
#7
good message, just thought some of it to be a little cliche like the first four lines, the rest was good. The whole sans-serif thing i caught on to because of my BCA computer class i had a year ago, but like I said the first four lines or so bug me. The guy above is right this is more of a poem.


But still a good piece of work definetely.
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#8
Thanks guys. I dont normally write lyrics. Everything Ive written so far and submitted to UG has been a poem. They could be contorted and warped into lyrics if that would be the case but the message would be lost I think. I just want to write pieces people enjoy reading

Ill get around to critiquing your pieces. I am in the middle of an assignment for school so it might be a while.
#9
I quite like it, even the structure and syntax of using very few fillers works well with the idea of being raw. Sometimes you do make a large leap that could do with some tying together, especially in the first few lines.

Happiness!
Universally known.
Every Language.
No more masks.
This life is beyond sinecures


This kinda area, since the rest of the piece reads into one another quite well, this stands out as being stuttery, and unfinished. But its just my view. Other than that I see nothng worth changing, you are an exciting writer, and I hope to see you grow well here.

keep at it.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.