#1
Hey this will be my first song i will post on here, it is a song for my band <i>Letum</i>. I wrote these lyrics myself along with all the guitarwork. There are a lot of solos so for sake of seeing how the song flows I'll put where they are (by the way for sake of reference I am Josh). This song means something to me because I am a half-blooded japanese person, this song is about the japanese suicide warriors, the Kamikaze who's whole purpose in life was to live just to die for their country, quite literally.

PS I've edited this song and I wanna know if it flows better now.

"Kamikaze" EDITED

Loyalty keeps the feeble breathing

He has fallen into his duty
A man who lives just to die
To meet demise in willful solitude
In the inferno the invulnerable cry

Marching along the days in vain, dealing yourself a stacked deck
Steady pulse is turning to panic
Strap your self in retrospect
[You should've never been born]

Selling yourself to travesty
Crashing in blazes of infinity
Father's swear to stay loyal
Your country'll bleed you dry

God will wrap himself in ebony
[Son please don't you cry]
You're taking your life in loyalty
[Mother please don't you cry]
A grimace chained to a martyr
[Son please don't you cry]
A bloodbath of deafening uproar
[Mother please don't you cry]

In dejection they'll forget your name

[Solo Josh]

Hold on child for one more second
Tragic momments can be appauling
Be honorable and promise no tears
It'll be just like your falling
[Falling out of your birth-right]

Selling yourself to travesty
Crashing in blazes of infinity
Father's swear to stay loyal
Being shot down is treson

God will wrap himself in ebony
[Son please don't you cry]
You're taking your life in loyalty
[Mother please don't you cry]
A grimace chained to a martyr
[Son please don't you cry]
A bloodbath of deafening uproar
[Mother please don't you cry]

In reverence they'll light you're pyre

[Solo: Josh]
[Duet: Josh/Mike]

Taste the heat rushing in
Twisted steel of unholy sin
A fragile mind's last gaze
When you're thought's shall grow white
(Abrupt end here)

however this is a very rough draft of the lyrics, the guitarwork is all finished, lemme know if I should change anything.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
Last edited by NoSoupForDeath at Feb 15, 2007,
#2
Kamikaze"

Loyalty keeps the feeble breathing

He has fallen into his duty
A man who lives just to die
To meet demise in willful solitude
In the inferno the invulnerable cry

ok man firstly this stanza really doesn't flow all that well in the middle, the third line really throws it out and secondly fallen into his duty sounds so rigid, it needs a loose flow to make it sound better

Holding on to the throws of life; dealing yourself a stacked deck
Steady pulse is turning to panic
Strap your self in retrospect
[You should've never been born]

the first line.....sorry man but i really don't like it that much...holding on to the throws of life? doesn't work for me...you need something less confusing and straight foward, life does throw things at you..but its very hard to hold onto a verb....trying using a noun instead

Selling yourself to travesty
Crashing in blazes of infinity
Father says, "Countrymen will be loyal"
Suicide is the grandest appeasement

first 2 lines =brilliant
3rd line is ok
the grandest appeasement....again it doesn't really work for me...its too much of a mouthful to sing well, i tried in about 6 different styles and it comes out horribly

God will wrap himself in ebony
"Son please don't you cry"
You're taking your life in loyalty
"Mother please don't you cry"
A grimace chained to a martyr
"Son please don't you cry"
A bloodbath of deafening uproar
"Mother please don't you cry"

I'm assuming the bits in " " are echos? echos are more usually done in brackes, if thet aren't intended to be echos then they really should be...because it really, really makes the flow out of whack

In velvet they'll bury your dilute body.

[Solo Josh]

Hold on child for one more second
(Though it feels like years)
Tragic momments are appauling
Be honorable - promise no tears
It'll be just like your falling
[Falling out of your birth-right]

the part in [] nup...doesn't fit that well unless its gonna be screamed even then it just doesn't work for me your echo in the () doesn't really fit either its moving in a different direction then the main point of the song

Selling yourself to travesty
Crashing in blazes of infinity
Father says, "Countrymen will be loyal"
Death is the passageway to new domain

same as above..but this time the last line is much better the line could also work will with a , instead of the is

God will wrap himself in ebony
"Son please don't you cry"
You're taking your life in loyalty
"Mother please don't you cry"
A grimace chained to a martyr
"Son please don't you cry"
A bloodbath of deafening uproar
"Mother please don't you cry"

same as above

They'll wrap you in velvet, and light you're pyre

[Solo: Josh]
[Duet: Josh/Mike]

Fell the heat rushing in
Twisted steel is your unholy sin
A fragile mines last gaze
Thoughts have gone white
(Abrupt end here)

i'm assuming you meant feel not fell, the third line doesn't really work for me...the last line is a good one to finish with but id unno if you need an abrupt ending, you could slow down the entire songe for the last stanza and trail off the word white

ok man sorry that i seem like such a bitch tearing your song apart, but i really think that it needs some tweaking, there are so many variations of rhyming structures...some of your lines don't work, some don't even fit in at all...the whole mother don't you cry, son don't you cry etc....i really think it shouldn't be there...maybe as an echo..but other than that i think you should ditch it...sorry that i've torn your hard work apart i feel pretty bad now actually cos i'd hate it if someone did this to me, but its honest criticism
i firmly believe this song could be really, really good if your willing to put in the effort..is there any recordings of it about? it would help me to understand if there was..if there is PM me and let me know, also if you ahve any questions about my comment feel free to PM me
if you want, check out some of my songs..they are nothing special and need a lot of work lol
Snyper
#4
Yeah in reply to snyper141 it is a very quirky paced kind of song. It's kind of difficult to explain to the flow of the lines. Like it goes perfect with the riff flows, and its a very fast paced song.

But I see your point in most areas and yes the " " parts are echoes and so are the ( ) parts. The only thing is i kinda forgot the ( ) but for the sake of the story in the song those are also quoatations. And that one bit is said underneath the other bit, the one you said might be screamed.

It's really not one of my best just has a personal meaning to mean, I have ancestors that were kamikazes and i felt this would be a good song to write, you know, in dedication to them.

I'll clean the sloppyness up soon and repost it, I might even post the guitar pro tablature for the song including vocal notes.

And to Adam thanks man.


cheers to both of you

Any more comments? I'd love for some feedback
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#5
i found a few mispellings here, so fix those. and I am not really set on the whole wrap you in velvet, i'm not sure if that's relaly what a kamikaze's funeral would be like.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
I think the quality of your lyrics is a bit jumpy, as is the flow, as far as I can tell. For example, the song starts fantastically, and I thought the first verse sounded very much like something Metallica would have written back before they came up with the Black album (their lyrics changed at this point).

Then suddenly, in the second verse there was the line:
"Suicide is the grandest appeasement"
Sorry but it doesn't really fit with the rest. Another example of this was the
"Holding on to the throws of life" and a couple of lines after.

Then you went back to really great writing with this:

God will wrap himself in ebony
"Son please don't you cry"
You're taking your life in loyalty
"Mother please don't you cry"
A grimace chained to a martyr
"Son please don't you cry"
A bloodbath of deafening uproar
"Mother please don't you cry"

which as far as I can tell is a chorus...?

I couldn't get the structure of the song, but that's just because of how you've laid it out. You've got a lot of potential and the only thing I can see as a problem here is that you need to focus a bit more on the amount of syllables per line. There are plenty of different ways to say one thing, and some are shorter than others. Bear this in mind and I think you could become a very strong lyricist.


Edit -
PS: I just noticed you mentioned putting a guitar pro tab up to go with it. Is there any possibility of a normal tab or something in powertab? Because I'd quite like to see how it sounds and I don't have the software for it. If it would be an effort don't bother, but I thought if you had the tab on your computer or something, I'm interested to hear how it's meant to sound.
Last edited by break-me-in at Feb 16, 2007,
#7
Yeah it is slightly choppy the more and more I stare at it, it like bothers me now, and come to think of it, those two lines you brought up do need a change. The velvet is how some japanese kamikaze's were honored, they would bundle a cloth as if the persons spirit were in it and then they'd bury it or what have you in their honor. Thats what my uncle told me at least, maybe I should research further to see for sure.


Either way I'll have the edited version up soon enough.

Thanks for the comments , anyone have anymore?
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#8
I liked this piece. It was pretty Solid but there were a couple of spelling mistakes.

Selling yourself to travesty
Crashing in blazes of infinity
Father's swear to stay loyal
Being shot down is treson "treason"

actually... thats the only one I could find

I'd like to see how this song turns out.
#9
oops, damn you messy typing fingers damn you.

Anyways thanks for that

Any more comments?
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla