#1
Crit4Crit, loves.

"plastic funeral."

Smiling through opaque muck;
Her sarcophagus lips gripped
the end of a lit cigarette,
She pulled the daggers out of
her side, and cut and produced
her face into something presentable;
Something beautiful.

The nurse cries softly in the
waiting room, but her friend
walks out the door.
Gets in her car.
Put's the keys in.
Pulls out of
the parking lot.
Crash.
Crash.
Crash.

Endorphine carressed her zig-zagged jawline;
This will be
something
beautiful.
Wade in the water, child.
#2
aha i liked the title alot some parts were kinda sketchily worded like using and twice in a row kinda sounded "awkward" but it was kind of a cool little thing.

Edit: actually i think i just read the whole double and thing wrong...... my bad
And before he died, Taran-Ish had scrawled upon the altar of chrysolite with coarse shaky strokes the sign of DOOM.
#3
Quote by deadmansdiary
Edit: actually i think i just read the whole double and thing wrong...... my bad

No problem.
Wade in the water, child.
#4
I love the first part. I think it is written quite beautifully and I like the vibe it gives off as i read it. but after that I'm honestly just confused about the meaning behind it. I mean it sounds great and flows well but I'm not one of those people who is just like "WOW THATS AWESOME even though i have no idea what it meant!" Maybe if you expanded it a bit more it would be more clear. or maybe i am just tired. great job though I liked reading it.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526054
#5
I feel nice about this one, great idea and great metaphors. I'm a sucker for imagery and this painted a very vivid image for me. All together I feel this song is teh sex.

Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#6
Smiling through opaque muck;
Her sarcophagus lips gripped
the end of a lit cigarette,
She pulled the daggers out of
her side, and cut and produced
her face into something presentable;
Something beautiful.

I liked this part alot, the dagger part a lot of people would say you need a better word, but I like the word dagger in a piece, so it doesn't bother me. If you were to replace it with something less cliche I'd pick a certain type of knife, probably one that's used as a weapon, but as I said the word doesn't bother me, but I've used it and some people have said I should replace it.

The nurse cries softly in the
waiting room, but her friend
walks out the door.
Gets in her car.
Put's the keys in.
Pulls out of
the parking lot.
Crash.
Crash.
Crash.

I didn't like this as much as the first one, but it was still good. This is where I lose the meaning just a little. EDIT: oh and I didn't really care for the crash, crash, crash line, maybe something like crash, crush, bloody. (okay bad example but hopefully you get what I mean)

Endorphine carressed her zig-zagged jawline;
This will be
something
beautiful.

Liked the ending, especially the last three lines.

I liked this better than your last one. (at least I think it was your last one) I had to try a little to get some meaning out of it, but I like doing that with pieces, that way I can bend the meaning to make it more relatable. Since you've already commented on my latest I'll just ask that if you see one of my pieces not getting any crits or is floating near the bottom or 2nd page that if you have the time plz give me a crit.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 15, 2007,
#7
"Smiling through opaque muck."

Brilliant.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.