#1
HEY HEY!!! it's been aaaaages since i posted some of my lyrics lol, i've written about 50 songs lol, most are crap but i decided i'd put up this one cos its one of the better ones in my opinion...it's not really about anyone in particular it just came to me as usual lol so please take a looksee and any help would be fantastic!!!

CRIT4CRIT

FORTRESS OF THORNS


I never thought I'd find another,
Hiding in your fortress of thorns,
holding the world at bay,
it wasn't meant ot be this way!

You don't deserve the hand fate delt you,
i wanna see you smile again,
there is nothing i wouldn't give,
to see you truly live!

You let me in,
inside your fortress of thorns,
You let me in,
your fortress of thorns,

Our numbers keep on rising,
yet the world keeps on spinning,
hold it all in,
now let purification begin.

Here you and i stand,
fate failed to keep us apart,
now we are the light,
now we have the might,

You let me in,
inside your fortress of thorns,
You let me in,
your fortress of thorns,

Now we are one,
our burdens shared,
our hearts beat together,
we are forever.

Systematically terminating and crushing emptiness,
i will be at your side forever,
i need you,
with you there is nothing i can't do!

I can't be without you,
hold me up and i'll hold you,
here we shall stay,
holding the world at bay.

In our fortress of thorns,
woah, hold them at bay,
In our fortress of thorns,
hold them at bay,
In our fortress of thorns.

We are one



THANKS GUYS!!!


CRIT4CRIT
#2
hmmm, I'm not sure. It's got nice flow and stuff, but something is missing. It might just be the way I am reading it though, sometimes it comes alive to melody/singing.

As a poem it's great, not sure how you sing it though

Thanks for the crit on my song.
#4
I never thought I'd find another,
Hiding in your fortress of thorns,
holding the world at bay,
it wasn't meant ot be this way!

The ABCC rhym scheme here is rather clever, love it but i'm sure you meant to not ot haha

You don't deserve the hand fate delt you,
i wanna see you smile again,
there is nothing i wouldn't give,
to see you truly live!

lol you have a "deck of life" line too, akwardddd lol anyway this is pretty strong i like the abcc scheme again, i love consistency

You let me in,
inside your fortress of thorns,
You let me in,
your fortress of thorns,

The repitition here makes this kind of weak, unless it's a chorus, but if I were you I'd possibly change the last line to something related but different. Just IMHO

Our numbers keep on rising,
yet the world keeps on spinning,
hold it all in,
now let purification begin.

AABB scheme here, kinda throws off the feel I had earlier, but not too much. But I still think the words here are powerful

Here you and i stand,
fate failed to keep us apart,
now we are the light,
now we have the might,

back to ABCC, nicee as I've said for all the others

You let me in,
inside your fortress of thorns,
You let me in,
your fortress of thorns,

You know what I've said about this

Now we are one,
our burdens shared,
our hearts beat together,
we are forever.

That's quite a "sweet" little stanza there, I like

Systematically terminating and crushing emptiness,
i will be at your side forever,
i need you,
with you there is nothing i can't do!

Seems sort of like a love song more and more every second, I like this, it's a nice way of putting this idea to action

I can't be without you,
hold me up and i'll hold you,
here we shall stay,
holding the world at bay.

I love the image this kind of paints for me

In our fortress of thorns,
woah, hold them at bay,
In our fortress of thorns,
hold them at bay,
In our fortress of thorns.

Nice twist, I like

We are one

nice short simple finisher that bundles the song nicely together


Great song, nice idea though the concept is over-done the metaphor used is pretty stable, and I like it. Nice job
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