#1
So I was tired of my usual musings, so seeked something new. Heres the result.


Carved from scagliola. Set with scalar.


I was told before my incarceration:- Heed this warning, Son. "Caveat! Before all that he cedes in sum for an unsighted simony, one must barter eyes and repent."

So it be, from within the squalid backrooms of a Hamlet free house, sequestered looks stole the silted atmosphere upon toiled shoulders using withered palms. I haplessly strolled betwixt lenient elbows, sifting wafts of burgeoning cinder excursions: their breath spade upon my nostrils. Weathered faces leant in, heaves abound; as whispers writhed within the proximity of earshot.
My perleche lips poised to titillate an irk, some fleeting squall to pierce the laden mood. I projected;- "I seek a simoniac by the name of Madelé." To which an obelisk structured mendicant motioned his convexed chest with three cadenced prods; "I am he...you must be Vadic, no?"
While, with a stifling expression positioned a Skean with Scabbard upon the bar, gilded in jaded Mascles: drawing isinglass sentiments from charcoal lipped gentlemen, kicking cuspidors as they hurriedly leave, behind them, idling smoke-stenched air kept silence occupied, as twilights talons crept atop distressed valences and beams to unsettle the amassing, surveilling dust-
"5 Pistolet for the honour...might I add, upon whose honour is your atonement set?" Conversing cordially; while moistening desiccated lips, I answer; "yours truly...after that of my Fathers, the same treacherous scoundrel that would sooner see his own flesh and blood rot in a prison in Vladivostok, one who can barter his eyes for mirth in seeing me fail where he too failed."
Coursing the rutted Scabbard with threadbare fingers Madelé aired an awkward smirk, taunting my inauspicious curvatures. "Stand Madelé, you know why I bless this unholy ground before you?"

I was told before my release:- God speed, Father. "Prosper! Leave his words belated upon rubicund lips and leave him for dead with a Skean where he mockingly left his."

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 16, 2007,
#2
It's a pretty good piece of work. Very... Shakespearean, actually. (That may not be as much of a compliment as it seems because personally, I think Shakespeare is a bit overrated.) Overall, it's good but not my thing.

Seems a little bit like you've made it needlessly complex though. Maybe it would help if you separated it out from all one paragraph.
Last edited by break-me-in at Feb 15, 2007,
#3
it was very shakespeare-esque,
and i rather enjoyed it overall.

BUT. my biggest complaint is that
it was SO hard to follow because
of the format that it's written in.
i think you need to divide the middle
into two or three shorter paragraphs.

it's just hard to read as one big chunk,
especially with all the eloquent wording.

but other than that, i enjoyed it.
it was very verbose. and i liked that.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
i liked it, yes it is shakespeare-esque, but i like it. Very lengthy but enjoyable. And I think I'll probably remember some of the lines for a while to come.
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#5
Thanks guys, points duly noted, and I've broken it up as much as I can, trouble is, it is one constant paragraph, but for the purpose of its length I've cut down into segments. I'm tempted to take this further and make more of it. But the content and wording is tight for its length, anymore coule be overwhelming.

Ha, as for the shakespear comparisons, I hate you, lol. Actually I don't mind, I do however loathe any work by him/her with the exception of Hamlet. I was rather aiming at the Russian novelists such as Dostoevsky.

Crittage returno soon, with a gusto!
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 15, 2007,
#6
This was a great piece. It gave me an idea of passing time. The beginning is before the incarceration and the end is before the release. The middle paragraph really resonated with the wisdom and learning the character went through. Struggle, problem, everything as such (likely including fornication, I mean, they are in prison, right?). The Whole piece was well written and used some unfarmiliar language, which can make or break a piece. Good Job.

I haven't read any Dostoeyvsky but I have always wanted to. Mainly 'The Brothers Karamazov' because of the song by Protest the hero .

Good Job.
#7
Quote by The Hurt Within

Ha, as for the shakespear comparisons, I hate you, lol. Actually I don't mind, I do however loathe any work by him/her with the exception of Hamlet. I was rather aiming at the Russian novelists such as Dostoevsky.

Crittage returno soon, with a gusto!


Interesting, I've always said that Hamlet is the only good work Shakespeare's done. I like your way of thinking . And if I ever get round to it (which is unlikely), then you've motivated me to find out about Dostoevsky.

(By the way, I prefer it this way ie. when not in one massive lump of text.)
#8
If you're going to read Dostoevsky then try "the idiot" first, its an easy way into his style and methodolgy, The Brothers is a handful for a first read. And thanks man.

^ Yeah Shakespear blows in short.

Anymore on this?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
I know I owe you a full critique (many in fact) but I have tried and failed to find much to fault with your writing that I can pick out.

No it's not to my personal tastes but you know me, I'm pretty open to still liking how things are written and word choice and flow and all.

and your pieces also pass that imo.

I felt this one could be stripped down more though. I felt there was too much intricate description and too many adjectives for this to not feel slightly tedious reading it. I feel it could be condensed alot. It was just- to stuffy, if you get me. To wordy (not nodding to your vocabularly, more to the point of tedious over-description) it just kind of got to me

thanks Steve