#1
Crit for crit. I wrote this last night. I threw out the last verse and wrote a new one because it was just horrible. I dont really like the new one much either. But anyway, tell me what you think.


Thanks.

--
There's a clock on the wall
Watch its hands and you'll find
They are moving too quickly
To really tell time
And as you gaze into it
You will wonder why
The day hasnt turned into night,

Well everyones crying
At the race car track
The cars all stopped spinning
After the crash
And the people are asking for
Their money back
They didnt come to see people die

For every new birth
There's a thousand fresh graves
And we toss our flowers
In holiday parades
Like throwing flowers to our loved ones
Who've seen their last days
They wouldnt want us to see them this way

Our house has been covered
With ten feet of snow
So we stay locked up inside
And we cover the windows
We dont want to see what happens
When the wind blows
So we'll wait until winter turns to spring.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#2
Hey i actually like this, I say that alot, but I mean it this time. The imagery was superb. I kept waiting for the cliche but it never happened. 5 star effort dude.


Mine is in my sig
#3
i like the first verse. its seems to set a nice tone for the rest of the piece. but then it sort of threw me off switching to talking about a race track. i liked the idea you were representing but I just didn't like reading about cars. its like youre visualizing a clock and then all the sudden getting images of rednecks at a race. The third verse is probably my favorite. I think its very well written and i really enjoyed that part. The last verse is pretty good but I don't think the last line flowed very well. it works though. nice job over all.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526054
#4
great job, have to agree with willthe world. the imagery was magnificent
Guitars
Fender Highway One Telecaster
Squier Affinity Strat
Alvarez Acoustic

Amp
Crate GLX65

Pedals
Digitech RP120
Boss Chromatic Pedal Tuner

Strings
Dean Markley 10's

Member of the Zeppelinism Faith
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#6
Quote by anOnyMouSanIe
i liked the idea you were representing but I just didn't like reading about cars. its like youre visualizing a clock and then all the sudden getting images of rednecks at a race.


Haha, I see what you mean. But I wasnt trying to get the visual of the race car track. I was trying to get the visual of thousands of people gathering and unexpectedly seeing people die. Which I think sort of fits with the rest of the song.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#7
haha, the last verse is SO appropriate for the recent weather(at least in the Northeast)

I agree with some others ^^ about the race track. cuz (especially with Nascar) crashes and life/death in the balance are what spectators actually pay for. <--My opinion

But the last two verses are very strong. If it was a poem, I'd say they're strong enough with your message to not even need the first verse. But people take in songs differently then others.
#8
Quote by KryptNet
haha, the last verse is SO appropriate for the recent weather(at least in the Northeast)

I agree with some others ^^ about the race track. cuz (especially with Nascar) crashes and life/death in the balance are what spectators actually pay for. <--My opinion

But the last two verses are very strong. If it was a poem, I'd say they're strong enough with your message to not even need the first verse. But people take in songs differently then others.


Haha, the weather here in the Northwest has been pretty crazy too. It sort of died down for now though.

Thanks for the comments everyone.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.