#1
True GEEX

These devils running through my head
They won’t give up they want me dead.
It’s my ass that’s on the line,
It’s evil that surrounds me

The preattyboy and prepped brunette,
The jocks and Goths are full of it
Everyday life is a pain,
I think im gonna go insane

(chorus)
Society is rough and
I think I’ve had enough
Even at this age
The classes are the same

They’re feeding on me,
tearing at me and
distorting what I say
but I don’t care what u think,
Cause I’m just cool that way

(Chorus*2)


This is my first ever song, so yeah just wanna know what i can work on, btw its a metal song
#2
hmm i guess its okay since its your first song ever. you have some really cheeesy lines thoughh like "my life is a pain, I'm gonna go insane" keep writing and it will be easier to find the balance of rhyming without sounding corny. thanks for the crit.
#4
Ok, bearing in mind that it's your first song, it's not appalling, considering most people suck at first. Despite this, you asked what you need to improve on, and I think I'll just point out all that I can to help you out. (I'm really sorry about how harsh this critique will seem, but one day, hopefully, you'll look back and agree.)

I want to start out by saying this is incredibly cliched. For example, rhyming pain with insane? If you're going to do that, you have to have a damn good beginning to those lines. Added to that, there are some things you just CANNOT put in a song if you're looking to have it taken seriously. "I don't care what you think, Cause I'm just cool that way" is painful to read. Really. As for the title, it originally made me click on it because I just wanted to tell you to go and **** yourself. The song isn't nearly as bad as the title though so I won't.

You said this was supposed to be a metal song:
The first verse and beginning of the last verse would fit with that image. However, writing about cliques in high school is something strictly put in pop-punk songs like that of New Found Glory, Blink 182, or... Fall-Out Boy (which, judging by your signature, is NOT something you would like to be compared to.) However, even pop-punk artists will manage to add some ambiguity usually or use metaphors, and actually, high school doesn't come up too much in even their music anyway.

Metal songs, I've got to tell you, are generally very poetic, and often about war, death, or fantasy stories (Metallica, Iron Maiden, Dragonforce, System of a Down, Tool, etc.) This is not to say there is any rule for using a certain topic, but you do have to improve your vocabulary and use metaphors and imagery. Look at some professional lyrics and try to draw something from them. Try writing a song with the same tune as some lyrics you like perhaps.

A positive point: the flow of the song isn't too bad since you're a beginner at this. You seem to have kept the syllable length alright. Whilst I can't really get a tune for it in my head, that's because you made it up, so it's my problem. It only becomes your problem if you can't find one.

As for improvement on your own, compare them to lyrics of a professional, word-class band, then be your own harshest critic.

One thing I really want to add, which may not be your problem, but occurs all the time with lots of people -
Don't force lyrics when you've got no inspiration. I often only manage to come up with two stanzas or something and then leave it so I can come back when something inspires me. Point is, I think the first verse, some of the last verse, and the chorus look like you were actually trying, and the rest looked as though you'd just thrown shit onto the page to make it longer.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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Last edited by break-me-in at Feb 17, 2007,