#1
i've had this sitting around for a few days... finally decided to post it... not sure about the title... just threw that on last minute since it didnt have one.


Hampster Wheels Make the Best Getaway Vehicles


I'd kill to make amends.
I'd kill you and never think of it again.
Like oil in my hands,
I keep things running smooth.

You could count me in,
But counting only tells me you're a lost cause.
Every time that we begin,
something better has to end.

Fingers only get you so far.


I would learn to dance,
But dancing only leads to conversation.
With rhythm in your head,
Your words are compromised.

You could sever hearts,
Just keep saying the words you're always thinking.
With your ceramic tongue,
that will shatter in due time.

Kept on display in the window.


You tell me to be brave.
From behind the mask you made with paper plates.
You tell me to behave.
To take my innocence and throw it all away.

I'd kill to make amends.
Kill you so I could have all of your friends.
Like scissors in my hands,
I keep things running...
#2
Hampster Wheels Make the Best Getaway Vehicles

Amusing, but shit for the piece. BAM!

I'd kill to make amends.
I'd kill you and never think of it again.
Like oil in my hands,
I keep things running smooth.

Umm not sure about this, the first 2 lines are fine. I just felt the last 2 were a cheap metaphor, nothing to relate to anything to be honest. It has no bearing to the rest of the piece. Perhaps if you said "body/veins/arteries it may carry more weight, idk.

You could count me in,
But counting only tells me you're a lost cause.
Every time that we begin,
something better has to end.

Nice little stanza, wasn't keen on "lost cause" I felt that there was a better analogy there to do with counting. Trying to tie the word "loss" in might work better, "loss" as in money. Again the ideas are there I just feel that its a missed opportunity to make the piece tighter and slightly more structured.

Fingers only get you so far.

I would learn to dance,
But dancing only leads to conversation.
With rhythm in your head,
Your words are compromised.

See there ya go, thats spot on...it all ties together far better...I hope you see what I mean now. Greta stanza.

You could sever hearts,
Just keep saying the words you're always thinking.
With your ceramic tongue,
that will shatter in due time.

Meh kinda cliche stanza, L2 is way off with the rest in terms of content and structure. Its the last line that drags in down. "Shatter" is such an overused word, go for something less obvious, weathered...eroded...

Kept on display in the window.

You tell me to be brave.
From behind the mask you made with paper plates.
You tell me to behave.
To take my innocence and throw it all away.

Last line again drags the stanza down, its so plain. "Throw it all away" think where is innocence lost, how do you loose innocence, you kill, you have sex, you swear...try and relate that back in.

I'd kill to make amends.
Kill you so I could have all of your friends.
Like scissors in my hands,
I keep things running...

Nice ending, great wordplay here. Overall this piece has the guts but no balls, you make the foundations then think hmmm I'll build a shed, and not a citadel. Basically, just try and stay focused more, tie each line to the next rather than wondering off and settling for second best. You've got the ideas, they just lack direction. But still some of those stanzas are great, and reflect what you can do.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
If you're gonna have a clever and witty song title, the song needs to be equally clever and witty. I can't stress that enough.

This song suffers the Fall Out Boy syndrome. The song title is cute and clever but the piece itself is just stale and stagnant with nothing that grabs you. Whatever you're trying to say, I'm sure it means something to you, but this piece can sum up 10 different emotions.

And the second lines of each stanza seem very long and unstructured and throw off whatever flow you're going for.
Poor advice.
#4
yeah i knew there was a lot wrong with the piece when i posted it... the title was last minute and that never turns out good for me... the stanza's are all stand-alone... they dont really fit together... and i had Sowing Season stuck in my head the whole time.... which i guess explains the long second lines.

the main reason i posted it was to find out what exactly i should focus in on... and so far your comments have helped... so thanks... and yeah we'll call this title temporary.... once i get the piece fixed up and everything i'll repost it with a better title.

... and maybe i'll write a witty song to go with this title haha.

anyways... thanks again.
#5
To be honest, The Hurt Within seems to have pretty much picked on everything I had to say about this piece and a few things I hadn't. So basically I warn you, my critique will be very similar.

Firstly, I'll quickly get the title out of the way. Stellar_legs was definitely right with the whole "Fall-Out Boy" syndrome thing (although for me it's always Panic! at the disco who I blame for this sort of thing). The song title was intriguing, but had no place with this song, which seemed more serious. Keep your funny song titles for your funny songs. I would say, look at some stuff by NOFX for more on that. For example, they have songs called 'The Longest Line', '180 Degrees' and 'Leave it Alone' - all without much wit because the songs aren't in that sort of style. Then on the other hand there's 'Dinosaurs Will Die', 'Thank God It's Monday' and 'Don't call me White' for some more tongue in cheek songs. (As a side note, anyone who knows NOFX may or may not notice I only have the greatest hits to hand right now.)

Okay, after that slight rant, now for the song, which was both very good and very bad.

I liked the beginning:
I'd kill to make amends.
I'd kill you and never think of it again.
But then the two lines after this were total crap (sorry for being so blunt). Didn't fit in at all, and even if they did fit in with the piece, they'd need some work. Sooo, write two completely different lines to end that stanza, yeah? Possibly begin them with 'I'd kill' again. Or maybe two more lines like 'I'd think' or 'I'd take' or something. (wow I didn't think I could say so much about one stanza.

After that, I would say your second verse was mostly good, but as The Hurt Within said, the "lost cause" part was very weak. Stood out to me.

This verse, great job:
You tell me to be brave.
From behind the mask you made with paper plates.
You tell me to behave.
To take my innocence and throw it all away.

I didn't actually pick up on it, but The Hurt Within said "throw it all away" was cliched and actually I'm inclined to agree. Still, it's not a big issue. Liked that.

The part that really saved this piece was:
I'd kill to make amends.
Kill you so I could have all of your friends.
Like scissors in my hands,
I keep things running...

That last verse was just a spark of brilliance in what was otherwise a bit so-so in a content.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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