#1
Another branch from my normal style of music. This is more classicly Influenced, Instrumentally, And Lyricly, 14th century Europe, Losely.

A quick make of a song, Much can be done, But I submit myself to your criticisms.

You leave me a crit, and I will return the favor. thanks much.


______________________
Verse 1.

The times have changed,
Our time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
Hope returns as the city burns,
No more will we kiss your gilded hand.

We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
The hymn of misery has begun.


A Band of thieves,
We're Nomads lost.
Taking all with no cause,
So remove your chains, When you hear our reigns.
Chivalry and faith is lost.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.


Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,
Build kingdoms from pockets of those unseen.
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.


It's over now,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow, accept you fate.
So, beg, repent
for the lives you've spent,
while you sit at heavens gate.


Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing


Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

We will provide,
Hope and pride,
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned.

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.
__________________
Quote by Leybick

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Last edited by Deluster at Feb 22, 2007,
#3
Some parts seem a little...hmmmmmm...but its stil cool!! it just needs to be a tuned up a bit, add some metaphors, maybe. mayb kill some words an rearrange some things.. but if u like it as it is, then no change be needed. lol
#4
There have been some slight revisions, Few words killed to make it flow better, And part of verse 2 has been changed. I think this is better. Let me know what you think
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#5
cool - liked the literary brand of galloping song there. send it to iron maiden, they'd take care of it for you. i'd cut some words to make it flow easier. also, i know you were probably trying to avoid a cliche in verse 3 with the crimson rivers of lust, but might it be better changed to blood or gore or something? maybe it's just me.
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#6
eh, I like the way crimson rivers of lust is sung. You think Iron Maiden would consider it? Might I get payed? I did make some edits though, i think it is abit better, thanks for the crits, I will crit yours just link me.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


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#7
im not usually fans of these types of pieces, but for being in its basic and simple style it was fairly well written.

some of the rhymes seemed a little forced but it still worked because of the subject of this.
nice work

you dont have to say much on mine but if you would just bump it from the 2nd page and tell me waht you think if you have time
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530278
#8
thank you much, I appreciate the crit. I have several other types of songs, but I wanted to try a pretty basic rhyme scheme, and I think I pulled it off alright.

I'll check yours out.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#9
This is a pretty good song. It does sound a bit like power metal or Queen or something like that. Some of the sentences sound a bit forced or too short...such as this part.

<b>Band of thieves,
Nomads lost.
Taking all without no cause,</b>

Those are incomplete sentences and they need to be a bit longer, since they sound kind of forced here. Also "Taking all without no cause" is incorrect because it's a double negative.

I think the best line here is this:

Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.

It kind of reminds me of the song "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols, but not as political.

Overall it's a good effort but needs some revisions. Keep it up though.
#10
Times have changed,
The time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
for little children scream and run
when our company raises hand.

Here, I would suggest going for stronger verbs than scream and run. It's such a generic image (running, screaming children), give it some originality with better verbs.

We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
You've already said this pretty much in the first verse. You said children run, then here you are telling a child to run. It's a bit redundant.
songs of misery have been sung.
Be careful with how many passive verbs you use.


Band of thieves,
Nomads lost.
Taking all without no cause,
You've already used taking, which is already a broad verb, here I suggest looking for another word.
Hide you chains, When you hear our reigns.
Hide has already been used. Just pointing it out.
Chivalry and hope is lost.
Love this line.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

This is awesome. The best verse by far. Nice job.

Free we are,
From you sabotage,
Your sabotage.. maybe...?
But peace shall sleep to soon.
What a lovely line. I can see why you used this as the title.


Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Foolish things,
Sounded better to me if you put 'such' in front of the first line, "Baron and Kings, Such Foolish things."
Live from the pockets of those unseen.
I think thrive would be better. That's just me though. Whatever you think is best.
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.
Nice rhyming there. Not a bit forced, I like.

It's over know,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow accept you fate.
Your fate? I don't know, this line doesn't make to much sense to me.So, beg, repent
for lives you spent,
I don't think the tense here is right... should it be you've spent? Hmm... maybe not. IDK.
while you sit at heavens gate.


Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust
Oohh... nice imagery, man. Very impressive.

Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
I don't know, but for some reason, I really liked these two lines. GJ.
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing
this battle chant holds true
Last line sounds almost tacked on.


Hope and pride,
we do provide,
Maybe you should switch these two lines and phrase it a bit better. Seems awkward to me.
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned.

Free we are,
From you sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.

Great ending. No complaints here.

Overall, this is awesome. I love the imagery and the almost archaic narration. There were some roughpatches where the phrasing was a bit odd and detracted some of the attention on what was actually going on in the verse, so just watch out for that. You used a few vebs more than once, which isn't too big, but it replacing them and spicing it up would definitely help the overall quality of the song. Other than that, great job, man.

Thanks for the crit on mine. I hope this helps you.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#11
I am very Glad you took such a deep look into it. I know there needs to be some touch ups, Some you said I had noticed already. I will get to working and refining.


*EDIT* I updated the lyrics once again, I feel there is alot more power now.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
Last edited by Deluster at Feb 22, 2007,
#12
Glancing at this, I can already tell you it's alot better.

I'll take a better look at it tomorrow when my brain isn't complete mush. (Insomnia is like my mind on crack. It's strange.)
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#13
I love what I see, I'd like to actually hear it so I could get the exact melody in my head but this is very well crafted.
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
#14
I'm having a hard time with the basic crux of it. The concept.

It sounds like a protest song, but that hope is lost. Can you change some pronouns and tenses?
#15
Times have changed,
The time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
for little children plead and yell
when our company raises hand.

This was the only stanza that I think needs any sort of revision. I love the rest.
I think it's the verbs, they're not really getting across the point I think you want.

I don't know what to put there, though.... Damn, I'm useless.

I'm going to have to think about it and get back to you with my two cents.

Sorry.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#16
ok i have reworked some of it once again, It keeps getting more solid.

The word hope was accidental in placement of faith, Which fits better, Thank you for pointing that out to me.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#17
I'm in two minds with this piece, if I haddn't have read your bit at the beginning I'd have assumed Metal song, which it might be for all instances. But I see what you were aiming for. And I cant really see it working, if you were going for that century theme then you might want to drop some historical notes within the piece, name drop a war, or a piece of weaponry. Perhaps use alittle bit of language from that era too, just to try and make it stand further from metal "gothic" themes, moreso a historical piece,based in a certain era.

As for the piece itself I was pretty well written for the most part, I just felt like it wasn't anything special, parts rang too many "I've read this before" bells. I'm sorry to sound so harsh. I just see something better in you, than this piece shows.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#18
i think you should keep it like this and make it a metal song
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#19
I appreciate it greatly, This is a stray from my usual stuff, So I decided to try my best for a first attempt.

I think I will leave it as a Metal song, And try again for my more classical attempt.

I greatly appreciate all the comments and I am very happy to be able to share my work with you all. I promise to Do better, I just started writing a few months ago, and have produced 4 acceptable pieces. I still am searching for my niche so to say.

When I find it I think I will do very well, And I hope you all enjoy it.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#20
Verse 1.

The times have changed,
Our time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
Hope returns as the city burns,
No more will we kiss your gilded hand. Good flow and Rhyming Scheme

We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
The hymn of misery has begun. Like the wording of this very much.


A Band of thieves,
We're Nomads lost.
Taking all with no cause,
So remove your chains, When you hear our reigns.
Chivalry and faith is lost. Very good, your good at this stuff.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon. I dont understand this last line.


Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,
Build kingdoms from pockets of those unseen. Shouldn't it be, "Built"?
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.


It's over now,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow, accept you fate.
So, beg, repent
for the lives you've spent,
while you sit at heavens gate.


Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust umm....... what?.. lol

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing


Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

We will provide,
Hope and pride,
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned.

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.


This was a very good piece, and i understand the storyline thing behind it, hehe. I Usually dont understand what a person is trying to say, but i have with this song and your other one i crit. Very good, 10/10
#21
Wow... 10/10. Very generous. I think it about a 7 or 8 myself, but thanks much.

Hmmm,


Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust

that is mostly for imagery. The battle starts, Fields are covered in Crimson (a red color) Rivers of lust, Meaning bloody trails mostly... used to give a sense of image.

The chorus is pretty straight forward... but I will Explain.

You slave and starve (In the voice of the peasants.)
Our minds you carve,
to your Ideals we live a tuned. (that should be very self explanitory)

Free We are (No longer slaved)
From your sabotage, (the whole starvation and mindset made up for them)
But Peace shall sleep to soon. (this mostly Means that, Peace never lasts...)

That is pretty straight forward?

Thanks for spotting the typo also
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#22



Well i'm stupid to not understand that... what a retard.... lol... well i understand now, you think you can crit another of my pieces?
#23
im just stepping out to play with some friends, but when i get back i will check out another one.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt