#1
This is a song/poem I wrote for my schools top ranking literary magazine, it should be published soon.

Oh plundering creatures of the shadows and light
Living your lives by the day and the night
By day you rise, afternoon you fight
At night you sleep, in the absence of light

The day allows you to grow crops
The night is why you pay your cops
And day after night you continue your cycle
Living off the sun, an orb so vital

But what if the red sphere turns on you?
What if the light decides it's through?
Will you be destroyed in a blast?
Or will the dark make you the past?
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
Last edited by beastiebeatles at Feb 19, 2007,
#3
Quote by FretJAMMER777
I'm really impressed. This is pretty sweet.

Thanks man.
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
#5
thanks for getting mine
i liked this alot. but i think in the first verse, you should dived the lines different like this
By day you rise, afternoon you fight
just to match the line breaks in the rest of the song.
other tahn that, i loved the wording, and basically the whole idea. great job :P
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#6
Oh plundering creatures of the shadows and light Great line
Living your lives by the day and the night
By day you rise Might sound better if you combine it with the next line
Afternoon you fight
At night you sleep, in the absence of light

The day allows you to grow crops
The night is why you pay your cops
And day after night you continue your cycle
Living off the sun, an orb so vital

But what if the red sphere turns on you?
What if the light decides it's through?
Will you be destroyed in a blast? Will you be destroyed in a blinding blast may sound better here
Or will the dark make you the past? Or will the dark decide to make you the past? may be good

Great job the only thing that really struck me as something that could be improved upon is those last 2 lines
#7
nothing i can see to criticize you on to me it sounded almost perfect . i liked it alot 4.5/5 frm my side
Hi
#8
Quote by darkangel322
thanks for getting mine
i liked this alot. but i think in the first verse, you should dived the lines different like this
By day you rise, afternoon you fight
just to match the line breaks in the rest of the song.
other tahn that, i loved the wording, and basically the whole idea. great job :P

Good point, I didn't really think about that but it makes a lot more sense like that.
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins