#1
yea um, my moms recovering from surgery and i know its cruel to say it, but shes so naggy and mean and grouchy all the time. so like she cant cook so we get chinese food all the time, and it sucks. you probably dont care but C4C people C4C!!!!!!!!! is that the only way to get people to crit songs for ya these days? anyway this song is a more lighthearted thing so crit away.

Chinese again?
for the third time this weekend
and could ya please,
pass the General Tao's chicken

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune left (i added left, and im unsure)
No i chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy for me
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen again (i added to this refrain)

Noodles and Egg rolls
why can't we get pizza, dad?
"Cuz mom can't cook, why don't you understand?"

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune
No i don't want some chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen

It's all the same
every single day
Mom stays in her room all day
And i'm forced to eat chinese food
all day
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
Last edited by plus182 at Feb 16, 2007,
#2
Chinese again?
for the third time this weekend
and could ya please,
pass the General Tao's chicken
i would change it to 'for the third time this week' it fits better and rhymes somewat with please

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune to tell
No i don't want some chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy for me
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteenagain
just some small things i added, do it how u please tho

Noodles
Egg rolls
why can't we get pizza?
chop sticks
rice cakes
why can't we get pizza?
this one i dont like tho, way to simple.

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune
No i don't want some chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen

pass the duck sauce
no! how can you eat sauce made from a duck?!
pass the rice
no! stop! i've had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!
and this verse i dont like


ok, the whole point behind the song, i dont like. its about how ur tired of eating chinese,but the reason why i likd some of it and not others is cuz in the verses i liked, if a person read it without knowing the reason behind it, they wouldnt guess wat it was, they would think it was something a bit deeper.thats just me. crit any of m ine if u can
#3
wow some1 actually critted mine. gracious amigo.

i edited the original peice. if any1 cares.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
Last edited by plus182 at Feb 16, 2007,
#4
First off, CHINESE FOOD IS AWESOME!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE THAT STUFF?!?!?!?!


Sorry, but I'd be the happiest man alive if I could get take-out Chinese food everyday


That said, it's an interesting set of lyrics - definitely original. My favorite line is this: "No I don't want a fortune cookie, cause I got no fortune". That's a pretty cool one. The rest of the lyrics are also pretty...interesting...though nothing too profound

That said, DAMN. This makes me REALLY hungry
#5
Quote by yawn
First off, CHINESE FOOD IS AWESOME!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE THAT STUFF?!?!?!?!


Sorry, but I'd be the happiest man alive if I could get take-out Chinese food everyday


That said, it's an interesting set of lyrics - definitely original. My favorite line is this: "No I don't want a fortune cookie, cause I got no fortune". That's a pretty cool one. The rest of the lyrics are also pretty...interesting...though nothing too profound

That said, DAMN. This makes me REALLY hungry


sorry, but you try eating it for an entire weekend straight!!!!!!!!!!!!
just kidding, yea, so im actually honored that two people critted my peice, and ill be happy to crit yours.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#7
yay.

EDIT: damn i should stop bumping myself,...
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#8
I didn't really like this because it lacked much substance. The chorus was really good, but you made the verses almost completely about the food, which bored me slightly. What I liked was when you managed to use the rather unusual inspiration of takeaway to write something with a bit of meaning like this part:

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune
No i don't want some chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen

Especially the last two lines stand out. I'd suggest using this part in another song which is more about fortune telling and luck in general. I know this is completely changing your idea, so I'm sure you want to keep it how you wrote it, but that was just what I got from it personally.

Overall, I thought you didn't ever realise the potential you showed here.
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#9
yo im back again to point out a few things u might have missed

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune left (i added left, and im unsure)
No i chinese man's stupidi think u forgot a word in here
advice or philosophy for me
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen again (i added to this refrain)


No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune
No i don't want some chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen
and in this chorus, i think u forgot to add the changes u made to the previous chorus, or did u jsut wanan make the choruses differ slightly>?

thats about all, crit upon the unknown if u could in my sig
#10
Personally, I loved this. It's juvenile and silly, but it's fun to read.

Don't change "weekend," because it rhymes with "chicken," in a roundabout way.

The third verse - I liked the way you had it in the first place. (The "noodles, rice cakes..." et cetera). But perhaps, instead of saying "Why can't we get pizza" twice, maybe you could say something like "I would rather have a steak" the second time.

Okay, on second thought, don't say that. But do say something else.

Anyway. I liked it. Kudos.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#11
Chinese again?
for the third time this weekend
and could ya please,
pass the General Tao's chicken

Good line, but get more of a point across, say how you are tired of the chinese food. Also, making this stanza humorous would cause it to make more sense.

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune left (i added left, and im unsure)
No i chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy for me
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen again (i added to this refrain)

Good, I like how it get's a bit more serious with the lucky number being 13, it gives some meaning and shows how you're down in luck. Also, it does this by not coming out and saying it, but by implying it. Nice.

Noodles and Egg rolls
why can't we get pizza, dad?
"Cuz mom can't cook, why don't you understand?"

I don't like this line, it's way too simple and doesn't really mean that much. It doesn't add to the piece, but I guess it really doesn't take away from it. It's just there.

No i don't want a fortune cookie
cuz i got no fortune
No i don't want some chinese man's stupid
advice or philosophy
And i don't want any lucky numbers
cuz they'll all be thirteen

It's all the same
every single day
Mom stays in her room all day
And i'm forced to eat chinese food
all day

Good outro, give it more though. Sum up some main points of the song. Also, it might be nice to repeat the chorus at the end of the piece. Overall nice job, keep revising it and it will be pretty good.

Please crit mine at https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527361