#1
warzone

I wake up 2 yellin and screamin
I hear pictures being thrown
I see the slaps and punches
I feel my world being torn apart

She says, F**K you
He says I hate you
She says im calling the cops
He says i want out

Chorus:
This place is not a home
It's a f**kin warzone
Things are thrown
fist fly
they're bruised on the outside
im bruised within


They both had too much to drink
they're both drunk
Can't even stand up straight
perfect time to fight


She says she leavin
He almost falls down the stairs
she throws the phone at him
his hand goes through the window

Chorus


Thats all i can take
It's all over for me
this is last fight ill see
it all ends tonight

They're too selfish to see im broken
they never saw it coming
they only heard the shot

This place is not a home
its so much more
its heaven
nothing is thrown
nobody is punched
They're still down there fightin
im up here peaceful
i took the way out
because i couldn't take it anymore


This is the first song i wrote. I know it needs so help with the rhyming so can u help me.
#2
Quote by papa-roach23
warzone

I wake up 2 yellin and screamin
I hear pictures being thrown
I see the slaps and punches
I feel my world being torn apart
As you said, you need help with the rhyming. How about an 'ABCB' scheme?

She says, F**K you
He says I hate you
She says im calling the cops
He says i want out
I'm not sure if I like the use of 'He/She says'. It reminds of that one rapper who did the whole dude in the closet thing, and kept switching characters with 'He/She/They'. It gives the impression of being messy, how about 'She wants to call the cops/And he wants out'?

Chorus:
This place is not a home
It's a f**kin warzone
Things are thrown
fist fly
they're bruised on the outside
im bruised within
I like this, particually the first two lines. I think on the final line it would sound better 'But I'm bruised within'. It gives the impression of being seperate from them, and a situation that isn't your fault but for which you're suffering. Which is the impression I get from this piece.

They both had too much to drink
they're both drunk
Can't even stand up straight
perfect time to fight
Again, I would work on the rhyming scheme. Also, the second line isn't needed. If you say they've had too much to drink, it will be taken they're drunk. It gives you another line to play with, as well as helping the reader see it from your eyes, you're saying they've had too much to drink, if you followed on to another point it may help give the impression of panic, with thoughts racing.

She says she leavin
He almost falls down the stairs
she throws the phone at him
his hand goes through the window
I'm not so sure on this verse. Why does him almost falling down the stairs relate? Why the phone? Why is there a window by the phone and stairs? Why has his hand gone through it? I can see that they're angry, but I'm not sure what is going on.

Chorus


Thats all i can take
It's all over for me
this is last fight ill see
it all ends tonight
An okay verse. It's very final though, if you had ended the song there it would work, or perhaps moved it to the end. As I said, it's very final and closing, a way to end a song.

They're too selfish to see im broken
they never saw it coming
they only heard the shot
I don't think this is really needed, it's only three lines, and doesn't really add anything to the story, other than you've killed yourself, which we already know from the last verse.

This place is not a home
its so much more
its heaven
nothing is thrown
nobody is punched
They're still down there fightin
im up here peaceful
i took the way out
because i couldn't take it anymore
Again, an alright verse. Perhaps you could have omitted 'heaven' though, the song is about an incident which happens in real life, and a serious one at that. It's realistic. A sudden jump into the supernatural isn't really my hing, though it may work for someone else. It would also explain how he would be able to commentate on what's happening as he kills himself. That I have no problem with, it's a concept done before but again I'm not a fan.

This is the first song i wrote. I know it needs so help with the rhyming so can u help me.
For your first song, it's good. you need to work on rhyming and keeping ideas relevant to the lyrics, but if you keep practising I can see some good songs coming from you in future.

Nice work.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#4
ok i try to fix the song there still is promnlem though.

here is the new version.

warzone

I wake up 2 yellin and screamin
I hear pictures being thrown
I see the slaps and punches
I feel my world being torn apart

Mom screams, F**K you
Dad says I hate you
She wants to call cops
He wants out

Chorus:
This place is not a home
It's a f**kin warzone
Things are thrown
fist fly
they're bruised on the outside
but im bruised within


They both had too much to drink
Can't even stand up straight
perfect time to fight
thoughts run through my mind how bad will this one be
I dont know how much more i can take

Chorus


Thats all i can take
It's all over for me
this is last fight ill see
it all ends tonight


This place is not a home
its so much more
nothing is thrown
nobody is punched
They're still down there fightin
im here peaceful
i took the way out
because i couldn't take it anymore

I know it still isnt perfect but im only 13 and this is my first song. I couldnt think of what words to put to fix it without changing the whole song. Please give suggestions.
Last edited by papa-roach23 at Feb 18, 2007,
#5
I agree with Dinkydaisy, i like the first 2 lines of the chorus. Good song just work on the ryming.
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
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#6
i know i need help with the rhyming can you give me some suggestions.
Last edited by papa-roach23 at Feb 18, 2007,
#7
Quote by papa-roach23
ok i try to fix the song there still is promnlem though.

here is the new version.

warzone

I wake up 2 yellin and screamin i think this part is good the way it is, and i think its impossible to make it rhyme
I hear pictures being thrown
I see the slaps and punches
I feel my world being torn apart

Mom screams, F**K you
Dad says I hate you
She wants to call cops "she wants to call the cops"
He wants out " he wants to be out

Chorus:
This place is not a home
It's a f**kin warzone
Things are thrown
fist fly fists are flown
they're bruised on the outside
but im bruised within


They both had too much to drink
Can't even stand up straight
perfect time to fight
thoughts run through my mind how bad will this one be
I dont know how much more i can take

Chorus


Thats all i can take
It's all over for me instead of its all over for me " how much more will they make" thats the only thing i can think of that will rhyme
this is last fight ill see
it all ends tonight


This place is not a home you could have this verse spoken, with a little guitar riff in the background
its so much more
nothing is thrown
nobody is punched
They're still down there fightin
im here peaceful
i took the way out
because i couldn't take it anymore

I know it still isnt perfect but im only 13 and this is my first song. I couldnt think of what words to put to fix it without changing the whole song. Please give suggestions.
its a good song i just cant get those 2 verses to rhyme
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#8
warzone

I wake up 2 yellin and screamin
I hear pictures being thrown
I see the slaps and punches
I feel my world being torn apart

Mom screams, F**K you
Dad says I hate you
She wants to call the cops
He wants out of this

Chorus:
This place is not a home
It's a f**kin warzone
Things are thrown
fists are flown
they're bruised on the outside
but im bruised within


They both had too much to drink
Can't even stand up straight
perfect time to fight
thoughts run through my mind how bad will this one be
I dont know how much more i can take

Chorus


It's all over for me
this is last fight ill see
it all ends tonight
Kill myself, I think i might


This place is not a home
its so much more
nothing is thrown
nobody is punched
They're still down there fightin
im here peaceful
i took the way out
because i couldn't take it anymore

anymore suggestions song is getting better but still needs help.
Tell me which version u like best 1,2, or this one #3.
Last edited by papa-roach23 at Feb 18, 2007,
#9
yea i like what you did , version 3 definitaly

It's all over for me
this is last fight ill see
it all ends tonight
Kill myself, I think i might i like that one the best other than the chorus
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#10
Awesome i still need more help
I need ideas to help the rhyming
if u cant think of that can u just rate the song
#11
im giving it a 5 , i love this song
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#12
i have to keep coming back and read this, it is realy good. i like the emotions that you feel when you read it
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#14
this song has really improved among the 3 versions, at first i was gunna be a little harsh but as i read on I grew on the song, and i like it. Personal events recalled through songs and described so realistically is something i like in songs. You don't flirt with the point you stick to your guns and you keep them going. I like it a lot, shows character .

Good work man.
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#15
i like version #3 the most and i have to agree with Dinkydaisy and ihaterap101 the fist two lines in the Chorus. I give the song a 9 out of 10
Member of "Marty Friedman>you" club

Quote by Confined Rage
you got wanked off by a fucking cat, at least you got some form of pussy.
#16
i keep trying to rate it but it wont show up
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#18
Like the others, I love the first two lines of the chorus, it's genius.

As it has improved, it is mos def better, great song, great work.
F.U.B.A.R.