#1
For the first one, see Here.

Hopefully an ongoing series. Please, let me know what you think, I'm experimenting and everything.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


#2

Golden sands,
the present state of what
has previously happened-
a path to deeper seas.
I tread carefully, watching my every foot,
letting every grain of time slip between
my broken feet.

The x is crossed
but the path is blotted out,
by inks and rich colours of
a sparkled craftsmen.
I search to seek out
what lays beneath;
an earth unsung
a land unknown.

And I cry out for
a means of travel.
The smitten horse.
or the ass that sits lazily
by the serving seas.
The roll of the waves
slowly rousing him;
yet he still sits, unwillingly
yawning in the morning sun.
No animal has a reason
to get up when he wakes.

As my feet tread with
an archers precision,
I know I only want to see
one set of sunken footprints.
#2
I thought the imagery was very good, but I wasn't really sure what the poem's overall message was. I enjoyed the first verse most, and all of the different parts of the poem seemed to make sense on their own, but I couldn't completely work out what it was about.

As far as I could tell, you were in pain, but you were also hunting something. Or were there two different points of view, one person in pain, the metaphorical 'animal' and another person about to kill them 'the hunter'? I found several interpretations, these were the simplest though.

Also, sorry for not being clever enough to work it out, but however I interpreted it, I couldn't fit it together with the first one.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#3
No worries about meaning.

I critiqued you back, but I thin kit got closed. That still counts as a crit, you can still read it

Thanks for your comments.
#5
Quote by Jammydude44



#2

Golden sands,
the present state of what
has previously happened-
a path to deeper seas.
I tread carefully, watching my every foot,
letting every grain of time slip between
my broken feet.
this is a good start off, lots of imagery and smooth wordplay, the only thing that kinda spoke out was the tread. but still a excellent start off

The x is crossed
but the path is blotted out,
by inks and rich colours of
a sparkled craftsmen.
I search to seek out
what lays beneath;
an earth unsung
a land unknown.
Again great wordplay, that smoothly, deeply, an poeticly, lays nicely together.


And I cry out for
a means of travel.
The smitten horse.
or the ass that sits lazily
by the serving seas.
The roll of the waves
slowly rousing him;
yet he still sits, unwillingly
yawning in the morning sun.
No animal has a reason
to get up when he wakes.

As my feet tread with
an archers precision,
I know I only want to see
one set of sunken footprints.

Over all i think this piece is really really good!, Not much to change, the imagery is great, the words fit an go smoothly together. And it staus intrestnig. Id have to give it a 9.0 outta ten. Good Work Man!!!!!
#6
Quote by Jammydude44

#2

Golden sands,
the present state of what
has previously happened-
a path to deeper seas.
I tread carefully, watching my every foot, Foot seems out of place, try step maybe?
letting every grain of time slip between
my broken feet.

The x is crossed
but the path is blotted out,
by inks and rich colours of
a sparkled craftsmen.
I search to seek out
what lays beneath;
an earth unsung
a land unknown.This feels like a cadence, musically, as if at an ending. It doesn't seem to flow too well into the next verse, not sure whether you wanted it to or not so that's either a compliment or not... but it's a nice verse

And I cry out for
a means of travel.
The smitten horse.
or the ass that sits lazily hahaha, nice, well done, great imagery, laugh inducing
by the serving seas.
The roll of the waves
slowly rousing him;
yet he still sits, unwillingly
yawning in the morning sun.
No animal has a reason
to get up when he wakes. hmmm this ending is good, but literally it doesn't seem to make sense, i understand the part about them being carefree practically but it doesn't follow the flow of the first part of the verse for me, continuance in difference though. You change top as well as continue which is good if you want the jump that i notice, well written though, the change is still relatively smooth

As my feet tread with
an archers precision,
I know I only want to see
one set of sunken footprints.


I liked it, as a piece of writing, it flowed well and rhymed unneccasarily and abstractly enough that i found it interesting. But i personally can't get into it, might be my mood though so sorry if it is.

Sorry also, if i'm being overly critical

Links in my signature...
And If God Is Always Right, Doesn't Mean I Have To Like It...


Censorship
#7
you critiqued mine long ago, watching my thread I was surprised I didn't returned the favour, so, I will now.

Quote by Jammydude44

#2

Golden sands,
the present state of what
has previously happened-
a path to deeper seas.
I tread carefully, watching my every foot,
letting every grain of time slip between
my broken feet.

I'm sure i'm not the first that told you how great is the imagery in this stanza is.
I'm not into Story poems though, at the moment, but I can't stay idle reading this.


The x is crossed
but the path is blotted out,
by inks and rich colours of
a sparkled craftsmen.
I search to seek out
what lays beneath;
an earth unsung
a land unknown.

I really didn't get this, reading it time after time, I got that main point, but it's not enough information for me so I could be entered into this "quest"

And I cry out for
a means of travel.
The smitten horse.
or the ass that sits lazily
by the serving seas.
The roll of the waves
slowly rousing him;
yet he still sits, unwillingly
yawning in the morning sun.
No animal has a reason
to get up when he wakes.

this really brings me to the middle ages , sounds great, yet a bit out of context

As my feet tread with
an archers precision,
I know I only want to see
one set of sunken footprints.

it's a great sum-up, I can understand it.


the song is great, was it meant to be mid-evil like?
seems like you got cought more in between worlds and not in the original plot.

...And The Nominees Are
#8
liked it alot. still am impressed by how far youve come as a writer. no real complaints...nice images, some good alliterative structures in there....nice piece.

jay
#9
Quote by WhatShePromised
hmmm this ending is good, but literally it doesn't seem to make sense, i understand the part about them being carefree practically but it doesn't follow the flow of the first part of the verse for me, continuance in difference though. You change top as well as continue which is good if you want the jump that i notice, well written though, the change is still relatively smooth


That must be one of the consufin comments I've had on one of my pieces.

Thanks all. Thoughts much appreicated. I'll get back to any I need in the next 2 days.