#1
Hey im a 15 year old guy from the faroe Islands.

I wrote my first song today. And I need some critisme from you guys. So I can improve my skills. So please leave some comments. ! Thanks


"Lost In The City Of Angels"


Verse 1.

Im searching for brightness
I want to be free
its a very big mountain
but I want to reach it
I´ll try to break the wall
between me and freedom
But I have to break it.

Chorus.

I try to find my way to the city of angels
Where I was born with a pair of wings
Lots of faith and a happy smile
my way to the cruisified angel
the city of angel.

Verse 2.

Its very hard to reach the top
showing people who I want to be
its very difficoul to carry on
don´t want to miss the chance
to be a normal

Chorus.

I try to find my way to the city of angels
Where I was born with a pair of wings
Lots of faith and a happy smile
my way to the cruisified angel
the city of angel.

Verse 3.

Im on the top still carrying sadness
I don´t know what to do can´t wait longer
in youre eyes I look like a stranger
have to go back where I belong.

Chorus

Solo

chorus x2


Done .!

Please don´t look after my wrong wordspell, just give some comments.
#2
Try this...

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
its the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as i am, together we cry

I drive on her streets cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
I never worry, now that is a lie

I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way, yea yea yea

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love the city, she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry

And I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
And I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way yea yea ye-yea
Oh no no no
Yea ye-yea
Love me I say yea ye-yea

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I Gave my life away
Yeah yeah ye-yeah
Oh no no no
Yeah ye-yeah
Oh no no
I said yea ye-yea
I’ll stay
_____________________________________

Yeah, red hot chili peppers. Also, you need to "rhyme some of the time." (pun) And your syllable count is way off in every line.
#3
haha ^^ Nice, Under The Bridge
"See, you're born punk. When you get your first haircut, then you're alternative. Then you let it grow long, then you're metal." - Kirk Hammett
#4
what do you think you are doing? Do not ever again post another piece into someones thread, it's disrespectful and also you are breaking the rules. So I suggesy you go read them. You've strung him up for using "City of Angels" well damn dude thats Los Angeles...thats an American TV film, other than that the similarities are minor. pff.

As should the threadstarter, please use a title and not "My first song" - put anything you want as a title, but have one.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 17, 2007,