#1
This song was written from the point of view of Pontius Pilate when he's about to kill Jesus. I know it abdicates to a religious belief, but I didn't intend it like that, I just thought that was what must have been going through the man's head. (Feel free to ask about my stance on religion, especially if you think it'll help you crit this.)

It's not my best work, and I'm aware that the chorus might be a little weak, but I quite like the rhyme scheme in the verses so I thought I'd post it. (I only post things that I feel are finished - not meaning I won't edit them though.)

As for the sound of the song, I was going for somewhere between Iron Maiden and Muse, but I have considered giving it more of an Alice In Chains or Pixies sound, or possibly even acoustic like Damien Rice-type thing. Please tell me what you think would go best. Thanks in advance.


Wash My Hands

You crucify your kings,
And rebel against your Gods,
You amplify your sins,
And let yourselves be lost,

Chorus:
Look at these clenched fists,
I want no part in this,
It’s an injustice,
So wash my hands of this,

Now a good man is to die,
And evil men released,
I’m asking myself why,
These wrongs will never cease,

Chorus

I watch him on his cross,
Dying of these people’s lies,
Looking down on us,
Shouts a prayer into the sky,

Chorus

I wonder at this sight,
He prays to forgive the crowd,
Has God heard his plight?
The sky fills with dark clouds,

Chorus
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Feb 18, 2007,
#2
I like that you took that point of view. I gotta tell you, I' not a religious person really (in fact I oppose organized religion in most forms), but this is cool. I can suggest trying to put in more metaphors and hints then direct references to what's going on, but that's just me. Overall, pretty good, if I were rating it I'd give it a 7/10.
#3
Firstly, THANK YOU for responding.

I mean, I was getting really desperate.


To be honest, I'm against organised religion as well (I hate the Catholic Church), but I don't think that really has anything to do with the faith aspect, it's just the way everything is politicised.

Anyway, yeah I know what you mean about the metaphors, I considered making it more about the 'injustic' idea, but I decided to leave it because, whilst it's not amazing, it'll stand up this way (and I couldn't be arsed, quite frankly).
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#5
hmmm...i like the lyrics, even tho im not religous either...but could i suggest longer verses maybe? l i mean its good as it is, but im sure a little bit more could be added. but besides that its pretty kool!!lol
#6
i like everything except for the chorus which you yourself admitted was weak
probably rhyming this with this isn't this is what really bugs me about it


I want no part in this,
look at my clenched fists
It’s an injustice,
So wash my hands of this,

maybe that..

i like the perspective you've taken on..again i'll say you did a good job
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#7
I Hope you Don't Mind If I could try to make your chorus Flow Better

This Is how I'd Write it

I Look at these clenched fists,
And Don't want no part in this,
It’s an injustice,
So wash my hands of this,
With the Tears of my father
And the blood of my Saviour


I Really Hope you don't mind what I just did here

But Over-all Great song, And Yes, I'm A Religious Person
Not too sure to make it a Gosple song, lol
But Love the song.
#9
AH! someone suggested a double negative. "And Don't want no part in this" maybe it was an accident but either don't listen to the man. although i do like the last two lines he suggested even though it makes it more religiously IN YO FACE.

i think i like this. although if i was to pretend i was in the mind of the Ponchus Pilate I would expect for it to be a bit more intense. especially the chorus. its not bad it just doesn't conjure up any sort of emotion in me. it does make me ponder though. oh and i really like the last line. mentally picturing dark clouds swarming over the land really brings it to a nice close.

crit mine, maybe?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527098
#10
Quote by *Thundernation*
I Hope you Don't Mind If I could try to make your chorus Flow Better

This Is how I'd Write it

I Look at these clenched fists,
And Don't want no part in this,
It’s an injustice,
So wash my hands of this,
With the Tears of my father
And the blood of my Saviour


I Really Hope you don't mind what I just did here

But Over-all Great song, And Yes, I'm A Religious Person
Not too sure to make it a Gosple song, lol
But Love the song.


Haha no I don't think it would work as gospel. Anyhow, I've personally always hated gospel music, I find it samey and bland.

As for the the chorus edit, I do like the last two lines you added, I'll consider putting those in. They amplify the religious message of the song, which actually wasn't my original intention, but I'd go with it.

However the edits at the beginning of the chorus aren't what I was going for.
a) The character is pointing the audience to his own clenched fists.
b) I don't think a double-negative suits the song. If I was writing something more punk/pop-punk then I'd do that, but this song is altogether more serious.

Quote by anOnyMouSanIe

i think i like this. although if i was to pretend i was in the mind of the Ponchus Pilate I would expect for it to be a bit more intense. especially the chorus. its not bad it just doesn't conjure up any sort of emotion in me. it does make me ponder though. oh and i really like the last line. mentally picturing dark clouds swarming over the land really brings it to a nice close.

crit mine, maybe?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527098


I understand about the intensity, that's why I mentioned that the chorus seemed a little weak. I think I could probably add some intensity to it if I really put a lot of feeling into it when singing.

(And yeah of course I'll crit yours. Gladly.)

Thanks for all the comments, and whilst I know I'm relatively (by which I mean extremely) new, if I put a third piece up, would anyone nominate me for WOTM?
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#11
im cathoic, but people are free to do what they want, but my catholic church is run by a bunch of stupid conservatives who make god seem mean.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#12
^^
That's one of the things I hate about the Catholic Church. I think it removes spirituality from religion, makes it ritualistic, and is run by an establishment so it becomes immediately politicised. (Also, there's a lot of very Conservative attitudes, as you said).

Quote by FretJAMMER777
Pure American Anarchist music


I'm British
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#13
You spelled Pontius wrong.
Psycho Killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Fa fa fa faa fa fa fa fa-fa faa


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#14
Yeah I knew that was probably the wrong spelling but I was too lazy to go look it up. I figured someone else would notice.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#15
I'll put it simply: this was pretty good. The idea of singing from Pilate's point of you is not something I've seen before, and the rhyme scheme and flow was quite nice. The only problem I have is that the references are slightly blatant. Because you said you wanted to write about what was going on in the man's head, you should have been a bit more subtle. The mind, after all, is a complex thing, and thoughts can be very, very strange. In other words, I don't believe that Pilate would have just thought about what was going on, I think his mind would have been desperate and cumbersome, filled with the obscure thoughts of a scared man. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway, saying all that, this was still good. The images were memorable, the rhyme scheme worked well, and the chorus wasn't weak. Well done.
Oh, and for my money, I'm as anti- Catholic Church as its possible to be, so don't get me started.
'Can I have a picture of you tonight?
Keep it with me always in my mind.'
-Snow Patrol, '15 Minutes Old'
#16
Quote by break-me-in

Wash My Hands

You crucify your kings,
And rebel against your Gods,
You amplify your sins,
And let yourselves be lost,
Eh, this sort of piece I don't know how important rhyme is. You had to explain your pieces themes and ideas, so I think instead of that you should just try and let the opiece explain itself, thus not making an effort to rhyme, just let the ideas flow and make sure they show through.

Chorus:
Look at these clenched fists,
I want no part in this,
It’s an injustice,
So wash my hands of this,
I'm not a fan of choruses with aaaa rhyming. It just makes them lack a hook, something that sounds catchy. Could be re-wroded to add that catchiness and singalongability.

Now a good man is to die,
And evil men released,
I’m asking myself why,
These wrongs will never cease,
Eh, again this is meaning sacrificed for rhyme. And the flow here is below par. Really, drop the rhyming and try and write more for you're meaning, yes still rhyme but these short everses sound so forced it detracts from the piece.

Chorus

I watch him on his cross,
Dying of these people’s lies,
Looking down on us,
Shouts a prayer into the sky,
Second line I just dislike. surely you want because of instead of of in L2, I dunno. this verse I feel was the worst, just yeah, it was meh. No spark of originality or wit or anything eye catching so far.

Chorus

I wonder at this sight,
He prays to forgive the crowd,
Has God heard his plight?
The sky fills with dark clouds,
Same problems as before.

Chorus


REally, meaning first, rhyming second if it fits the piece. This really lost meaning through it's poor and forced rhyming
#17
Yeah the rhymes weren't too forced, but I see how it could come across that way. Thanks for the feedback.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT