#1
Kiss the fools that walk the line,
Paint their eyes with a bright color;
Feed them all with bread and wine,
Wash them out with tainted water.

Be forgiving, fine and flawless,
For the flaws are all their own –
Play the role of their great savior
Do no harm and do no wrong.

Kiss the fools that bow before you,
Trapped in spaces behind faces;
Kiss them fools before they bow,
Kill them later, kiss them now.
This is not a pipe
#2
i think every thing is great except i dont like the line 'Paint their eyes with a bright color;'
i dunno y it just doesnt sound right to me
booo.....


did i scare you???
#3
^ It needs to be read "uh bright colour" not "-ey".

I don't know what this reminds me of musically. Something.

I'm not sure, this isn't as charming as your other work.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I thought the whole concept of this was great, and the images that came aside from the main one were great too. For its legth the content is huge!
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
"Paint their eyes with a bright color;"
i didn't really like this line either.
just because the "a" ends up being
a stressed syllable with the rhythm
that you've got going the whole time.

"Play the role of their great savior"
this line, i feel could be improved. although,
i don't really know how you would do it.
just. as it is, i think it kind of throws off
the flow, and it's also just kind of bland.

BUT. those are my only two complaints.

i liked it very much.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
i agree with everything in relation to the "paint their eyes with a bright colour" think you need to edit that line.

I'm not sure about "Kiss them fools before they bow" it doesnt seem to sound right. Having said that, i really like your last sentence.
#8
Thanks for your comments guys, this is the first piece I posted in a few months.

I know it seems so have some glitches with flow and rhythm, but these little anomalies, besides being important for the content, are also what make sentences stand out and not bland and monotone.

Anyway, I'm in the process of returning critts. I hope you guys did good, I feel like reading something great (already did some crits and those were amazing).

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#9
i like this piece.
the brevity of it doesnt take anything away. you seem to get all your points across nicely.
I always like things that are subtly devious and this has subtlty and deviousness in spades, so nice one.

theres a coupleof little things i dont like though.
color/water is a little too loose a rhyme for me. dont get me wrong, i hate forced rhymes as much as anyone, but that seemed a little too out there. its a minor point though
also i think the "...great saviour" line could possibly be improved. the wording just seems a tad off.

other than that its a solid little piece.
nice one

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#10
the only part i didnt particularly love was "trapped in spaces behind faces." it seemed like it was missing something to me. i dont want to change anything about it but it left me asking "what kind of faces" im lame i guess but the rest of the piece i really liked. you had a great deal of content with so few words. its great. kudos to you. and please post more often. i dont want to have to wait another few months to see more of your work
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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#11
Wow, I liked that alot. I liked everything about it, especially how you ended it well after such a short run. Some of the best songs don't have alot of words anyway, these days people tend to overwrite. Music just isn't as subtle anymore. It used to be you could hear a song, not understand it and have it sink in after a few listens. Now it's just these 3 page things of a zillion verses, plainly stating what the song is. It's like in those anime's, they state the obvious. "Look, this whole village is dying, the people are starving. That guys on fire! My breasts are huge, and my hair defies physical logic. Look, they're getting away! Let us run after them!"

Anyway, I really really like it.
#12
Wooo Carmel.

This was pretty much flawless, and though I'm with the majority over that second line, I can see what you mean about it being bland and monotone if it was changed.

"role of their great saviour" line imo seemed kind of forced to fit the rhythm, and it was the only line in the piece I would consider revising.

Nice stuff Carmel. If you could leave as a bad a comment on my latest in my sig, it would be appreciated. Thanks