#1
So I edited this one slightly... It gives me three pieces this month... ;-) Anyway, hopefully I'll have a real new one tomorrow. We shall see. Enjoy the edited version, and thank you to everyone who commented last time.

Inside A Harbor Where Our Thoughts Are Like Ships, Anchored Down With No
Hope of Ever Being Set Free...


Let's all jump in the harbor
And hit the water at the same time
Try to break the anchor lines
Tying all of the ships down.
Then the water will splash out,
And we'll be left with a useless dam.

Maybe if you can conceal,
The froth swirling back and forth,
Between gaping holes:
You can stop, and listen, and grow.
But everytime we kiss it sounds like
White noise.
White noise.
Static snow falls with a peculiar grace,
And why is it that we have to find art in everything?
For once why can't we say it like it really is:
A forged attempt at being something special,
Capsulizing feeling.
Last edited by Retribution at Feb 18, 2007,
#2
i really dig the second stanza. the title almost gives away the song too much. id shorten it to just inside a harbor maybe. right now it doesnt leave much to be thought about and is just short of cliched. loved the actual lyrics tho
Quote by RHCP94
funkdaddyfresh is a real American
#3
I love this! especially the 'and why is we have to find art in everything?' line, but I agree with funkdaddyfresh maybe change the title to 'anchored thoughts inside the harbour' or something. I really like this, keep it up!
#4
Inside A Harbor Where Our Thoughts Are Like Ships, Anchored Down With No
Hope of Ever Being Set Free...

Eh. too wordy

Let's all jump in the harbor
And hit the water at the same time
Try to break the anchor lines
I don't like the flow between these tlast two lines, in my head it just doesn't sound right.
Tying all of the ships down.
"that tie" I think would work better than tying.
Then the water will splash out,
And we'll be left with a useless dam.
I don't like this final image too much. I think it could be more... memorable. I don't like the wording of th epenultimate line either, just not right for me.

Maybe if you can hold back,
The froth swirling back and forth,
Froth/forth for me is horrible. Clever, but horrible. The repeat of back also spoils these two lines for me.
Between gaping holes:
Like this.
You can stop, and listen, and grow.
But everytime we kiss it sounds like
White noise.
White noise.
Still not sure what oyu mean by this bit. So for me I don't get any meaning form it, so imo it's kind of redundant. But I'm sure you have your reasons
Static snow falls with a peculiar grace,
And why is it that we have to find art in everything?
For once why can't we say it like it really is:
The only line I'd change, I hear Kelly Jones every time I read it "why can't we tell it like it really issss"
A forged attempt at being something special,
Capsulizing feeling.
Great ending. Lovely last line.

Deserved WoTM vote from me Ret

In my sig, if you could
#5
So maybe the title's too wordy... I don't care. I love titling pieces and I don't edit titles.

ANYWAY, Jammy, thank you for the kind words. I thought I had changed the two 'backs'(That was one of the major edits!) but I left it out. Good call. It's changed.

I don't know who Kelly Jones is, so I don't hear it... But I kind of wish I did now.

I have to ask: Do you know what white noise is? Because maybe that will help... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_noise#Colors_of_noise

I don't know if that will open anything up or anything, but maybe...

Anyway, thanks for the crit, and for the nomination. I appreciate it a lot.

I need to read your "Untitled" pieces.
Last edited by Retribution at Feb 18, 2007,
#6
Kelly Jones be the lead singer of the Stereophonics

Great band.

I just got more confused though I think I see it a bit more clearly.