#1
Hello all, this is the first song I've posted here. I'm postin this cause I've sung it and played it too many times, and the more I do, the more it sounds incredibly cheesy and boring. Here's hoping you don't feel the same way, but I have my doubts...
By the way, if you're looking for feedback for your own songs, just critique this and I'll repay you ASAP. Thanx.

Maybe Tomorrow (sung slowly)

Maybe tomorrow when the lights go down
Maybe tomorrow in this crumbling town
Maybe tomorrow when the gold illuminates the sky
Maybe tomorrow, but I don't know why...

So tell me
Please tell me
If it's what I want it to be, then scream.
And tell me
Please tell me
That I won't be looking down upon this
and sayin' that was me...

Maybe tomorrow when the storm clears
Maybe tomorrow when I feel your fears
Maybe tomorrow when the thunder breaks into the air
Maybe tomorrow, but I was there...

So tell me
Please tell me
If it's what I want it to be, then scream.
And tell me
Please tell me
That I won't be looking down upon this
and sayin' that was me...

Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow when the dust rises
Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow
But I don't know why...

So tell me
Please tell me
If it's what I want it to be then scream...
[fade]

Simple but fun. I'm only 14 so that's probably why it sounds so cheesy.
Feedback please.
'Can I have a picture of you tonight?
Keep it with me always in my mind.'
-Snow Patrol, '15 Minutes Old'
#2
Actually, I thought it was pretty good. Simple yes, but enjoyable. Maybe it's just getting boring for you because you've been playing it for a while. Possibly try playing it in a different style, or put it to different music.

I would say it's very repetitive, but that is a device in itself which can be used very effectively in writing. If you get it wrong though, it can lend itself to boredom. For example, you repeated 'maybe tomorrow' throughout the song, but it was only in the last verse that I think it looks as though you might have run out of ideas.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow when the dust rises
Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow
But I don't know why...
After all, you've used 'maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow' there twice, when you originally were only using it to begin the lines, and you had to look back for a finishing line, hence the 'But I don't know why' part.

Other than this, it was a strong piece of work.

As for it sounding bad because of you being 14, screw that. You can still write good songs. I wrote good songs when I was 14. It makes absolutely no difference whether you're 14 or 40 years old. It simply makes a difference how many of those years you've spent reading/writing/writing lyrics, all of which are contributing factors to development as a lyricist. (You wouldn't believe it, but I'm only 15 myself )
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#3
Thanx, and yeah, I was sort of aware of the last verse being repetitive but I needed something to finish with. Any more?
'Can I have a picture of you tonight?
Keep it with me always in my mind.'
-Snow Patrol, '15 Minutes Old'
#4
Well in that situation, it's fine to repeat one of the stronger, previous verses. I always think of 'Where Is My Mind?' by the Pixies with this concept. You can repeat verses as well as choruses.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT