#1
I love piles of old magazines. They've built me a new home: one of stars and celebrities, shootings and love affairs. It never snows around here: so synthesize it. I love. I loved. I'm loving right now: A number; A face; An Internet page. And a girl who I know by an alias. She told me so herself. Show yourself! I am the atmosphere. We are the infinite.
Last edited by Retribution at Feb 18, 2007,
#5
hm, a bit confusing, im thinknig its about getting to involved in celebs and mixing ur reality with their own? idk really. its pretty good, but its just not really my style, i prefer like writing with stanzas,instead of just like sentences talking.
#6
Quote by ragglefraggle
hm, a bit confusing, im thinknig its about getting to involved in celebs and mixing ur reality with their own? idk really. its pretty good, but its just not really my style, i prefer like writing with stanzas,instead of just like sentences talking.


I could divide this into stanzas.

I chose not to.

You're kind of right about it, but I don't want to give anything away.
#8
Quote by Retribution
I love piles of old magazines. I think you shouldn't use "love" here as you use it later on in the piece. Start with a hinting of love, then work up to the love/l;oved/loving part. They've built me a new home: I'd like to see you expand on this, like a paper home or some, just set the image up a bit better. one of stars and celebrities, shootings and love affairs. Shootings is to dramatic, unless you mean shots of models. If you do, I suggest re-wording it. It never snows around here: so synthesize it. Eh, for me an uneeded image that doesn't fit the tone of the piece at all. And you seem to like the use of snow in a piece for some reason, though I suggest here you should leave it out. I love. I loved. I'm loving right now: A number; A face; An Internet page. I like you write in modern times . This was good. And a girl who I know by an alias. She told me so herself. Show yourself! for me, to many short sentences, from the start of "I love" to here I kind of want a longer sentence in there somewhere. Just kind of stops the nice flow you've got to this piece. I am the atmosphere. We are the infinite. Pretty decent ending.


I'll have something new up in the next 4 days. I'm hoping you can give me a full crit on it

Cheers Ret.
#9
Quote by Jammydude44
I'll have something new up in the next 4 days. I'm hoping you can give me a full crit on it

Cheers Ret.


Hopefully. You definately brought out some good thoughts in my mind.

I mean, I probably won't revise this, for two reasons: 1. I never revise my work. A bad habit, maybe, but I think what I wrote is personal and I shouldn't disturb it in an attempt to pass myself off as better. 2. I'm lazy, and this piece isn't worth it.

However, your thoughts made me think about how I should go about writing prose. About length, punctuation, and modifiers/description. So thank you, Jaime.

I'll read yours when you post it. Although, if I don't get to it by Saturday(if it's posted by then) I might not get to it until a week or more after...

We'll see. I will read it though.
#10
Seems like a steady stream of thought. The format fits this, don't listen to anyone saying to change it. You used "love" a little to much, but other than that it is good.

EDIT: Oh yeah and good luck with winning WOTM

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 19, 2007,
#11
I love piles of old magazines. They've built me a new home: one of stars and celebrities, shootings and love affairs. I love the implications in opposites here, shootings/love, it works just so well. Great opening. It never snows around here: so synthesize it. I love. I loved. I'm loving right now: A number; A face; An Internet page. And a girl who I know by an alias. She told me so herself. Show yourself! I am the atmosphere. We are the infinite. Quite simple, this is a great piece, theres nothing more to add for me, its very tight as it is.

I'd also like to say something here. Theres always a period where some of the regular writers hit a streak, they produce a series of great original works, and they just seem to push their limits. Congrats man.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
Taking into consideration it's length this is a good pice of songwriting. I agree with FretZippy21 a song that means something is better than a song that just ryhmes, although personally i like to blend both as when i write songs with no ryhme i always think "it's not catchy it's not good enough" and similarly (though i'm sure u read the FAQ's) whenever you write a piece you have to be frank and blunt with yourself i.e That was crap- but why was it crap (consider) OR That was amazing BUT what can i do to make it a super seller. If you master this it'l be a breeze in the park...well that's what i've found....congrats on this man,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#14
If you get a moment would be grateful if you could crit mine (in my sig) thanks
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#16
i like the simplicity of the presentation...i don't know how anyone said this was tough to understand, i find it to be straightforward and easily accessible. love the ending.

--jay