#1
well see i have a metal band named "tranquility", and this was the frist song i ever wrote with them, so let me know what you think about it.

Beats No More


pain runs through my vains
as the tears fall down my face
you ripped my heart in two
now theres nothing left of you

what could i do, you lied to me
what could i say, i could not see
you ripped my heart in two
it beats no more

(rad solo by my lead guitar and bestfriend Dan Quinn)

what could i do
what could i say
nothing left anyway
you lied to me
i can not see
it beats no more!
#2
it rhymes very well...i guess it sounds good...better than anything i've ever tried
"You can't be something you're not..." -Pantera

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." -Jimi Hendrix

Quote by Guitarplaymetal

In soviet Russia, The LULZ do it for you
#3
hey dude.. good work ! if i could give u any advice.. it would be this.. if this is intended for lyrics.. for an actuall song i would strongly advise that u avoide rhyming to the extent that u have.. as youll find that changes in the riff and simple crossovers would prohibit the lyrics fitting. keep it up and good luck !

cheers!
#4
Beats No More

pain runs through my vains
as the tears fall down my face
you ripped my heart in two
now theres nothing left of you

first verse= awesome not too much rhyme but a cool rhyme pattern ABCC

what could i do, you lied to me
what could i say, i could not see
you ripped my heart in two
it beats no more

i like the chorus as to the extent it is catchy but it would also become annoying! maybe try and padd it out?

(rad solo by my lead guitar and bestfriend Dan Quinn)- SOLOS!!! awesome!!!

what could i do
what could i say
nothing left anyway
you lied to me
i can not see
it beats no more!

ends well maybe a bit longer or slightly different an it would be awesome! love ya first verse!
if you have myspace for the band add us www.myspace.com/defendingthedefeated
stay metal
Metal_ore

comments muchly appreciated
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#5
nice job rhymeing , i could never do it that good.
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

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