#1
Each step I take is a step closer to my final one
And the thought, I must say, is quite unnerving
There must be a way, I believe, to halt my progress
But there’s no method to stop time in the land of the living
It’s like a river flowing ceaselessly into the wide-open seas
Is it frowned upon to say you’re afraid of dying?

There’s a wheel somewhere spinning round and round
And maybe someday I won’t have to hide beneath the ground
With but a slab of stone identifying the decaying bones underfoot
And trying in vain to describe what the early death took
“Here lies someone whom we know nothing about
All that’s known is he turned whispers into shouts”

I sit here pretending that I can live forever
And that life and eternity go hand in hand together
What child didn’t pretend that they could live forever?
Although, it must be said, death was a foreign concept
In the blossoming minds of the young and naïve
The ones who hide amongst the spirits on old All Hallow’s Eve
Last edited by Dæmönika at Feb 21, 2007,
#2
Each step I take is a step closer to my final one
And the thought, I must say, is quite unnerving
There must be a way, I believe, to halt my progress
But there’s no method to stop time in the land of the living
It’s like a river flowing ceaselessly into the chilly wide-open seas
Is it frowned upon to say you’re afraid of dying?

I really love the whole message here, theres no stand out lines, theres no pretnetiousness. Its just straight forward, but in the instance uncliche. The only part I thought wasn't up to scratch was "chilly wide-open seas" it felt like there was too many words in that section. That is all.

There’s a wheel somewhere spinning round and round
And maybe someday I won’t have to hide beneath the ground
With but a small slab of stone identifying the decaying bones underfoot
And trying in vain to describe what the early death took
“Here lies someone whom we know nothing about
All that’s known is he turned whispers into shouts”

Still in that same vein as before, its quite a delicate piece, especially for you, but endearing at the same time. Although here I fet the rhymes become slightly standard. Still nicely written.

I sit here pretending that I can live forever
And that life and eternity go hand in hand together
What child didn’t pretend that they could live forever?
Although, it must be said, death was a foreign concept
In the blossoming minds of the young and naïve
The ones who hide amongst the spirits on old All Hallow’s Eve

Great ending, the double "forever" wasn't the highlight of the stanza. But the piece as a whole was just sublimely written, I enjoyed it all. Sorry thats all I have.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Each step I take is a step closer to my final one
And the thought, I must say, is quite unnerving
There must be a way, I believe, to halt my progress
But there’s no method to stop time in the land of the living
It’s like a river flowing ceaselessly into the chilly wide-open seas
Is it frowned upon to say you’re afraid of dying?
i don't like the "i believe" in the third line.
it just seems to ruin the flow, and i don't
think that it's entirely necessary to have.
also, i agree with steve on the fifth line.
"chilly wide-open seas" doesn't work for it.
you don't even have to use less adjectives,
just less syllables. because right now, it feels
a little bit cramped with all that pushed together.
but. other than those two little things, i really like this.


There’s a wheel somewhere spinning round and round
And maybe someday I won’t have to hide beneath the ground
With but a small slab of stone identifying the decaying bones underfoot
And trying in vain to describe what the early death took
“Here lies someone whom we know nothing about
All that’s known is he turned whispers into shouts”
i'd change "into" in the last line to just "to".
it flows better, i think. but. that's just me.
i don't like the rhyme in the second line. well.
that's a lie. i like the rhyme, but it doesn't work.
the rhythm of each line is different, and that makes
the rhyme sound a bit awkward and somewhat forced.
but. that's easy to fix. you just need to fix the rhythm.
again, the same thing with the next two lines, but
not so much i guess. the rhyme works better there.
but i think you could work on that rhythm and make
both rhymes work so much better than they do now.
but. again, if not for these little qualms, you would have
a very good stanza here. and it's an interesting read.


I sit here pretending that I can live forever
And that life and eternity go hand in hand together
What child didn’t pretend that they could live forever?
Although, it must be said, death was a foreign concept
In the blossoming minds of the young and naïve
The ones who hide amongst the spirits on old All Hallow’s Eve
well. i don't like the repetition of "forever" here.
but i have no other complaints for this stanza.
this is a really really good and solid ending to this.


kay. overall, i really enjoyed it.
it was interesting, nicely worded,
and apart from the few little things
that i thought could be improved,
i found no other problems with it.

i commend you on a very nice piece.

sorry i couldn't give you a very good critique.
i would have done a better one if i'd had the time.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
Very good, but there were a few lines here and there that I just didn't like. Namely the last line of the second stanza and the first line of the third stanza. There were a couple others but only these two I felt dragged the piece down.