#1
I dont know if I like it. I just wrote it now. It might not make sense but it is pretty personal. C4C. Written for what the title implies.

Edit: I'd like to personally apoligize for how cheesy some of this is, please dont hold that against me/the piece too too much .


A Poem for a Two Month Anniversary.


"Do you promise Dylan?"
"Yes, I'll sense you tomorrow."


I watched the Elementary school fade into the side of the hill;
And through the eyes of a bus I passed a graveyard
With six senses that told me that I will feel you soon;
And I tasted each camera shot, licked each flash of
The smell of wet roses and your scent, which mourned the
Sight of six-hundred bouquets that I pretended were not symbolic of your beauty
And your memory, faded like a rising moan, mounting, writhing--
I could hear it clear, the scream, the rising water, the soaked, trodden grass,
I could hear it clear, the seams of my bed creaking under your cupped, trodden breasts;

Through the eyes of a bus I pass through a graveyard
Where six-hundred tears mourn the death of someone he thought was
Beautiful.
Taste, smell, sight, touch, sound--
And the senses tell me that you are beautiful.

And the senses tell me to wonder
If beauty is as fleeting as a crying photographer at a 3 year old headstone
That’s been rubbed so hard that he can’t even still feel the name etched in granite?


One day I will watch you fade into the side of the hill,
"no, nothing you ever care about is fleeting."
But I will always remember you when I stare down-trodden into my bed,
But I will always sense you whenever I smile, whenever I really, truly smile.

And I mean this because
The senses made me promise
That I will sense you tomorrow.
Last edited by #1 synth at Feb 18, 2007,
#2
True about not understanding. please I would love a summary. Although a little confusing to me sounded good. Super deep it seems. It does very well at setting a mood.
Gear:
Epiphone Les Paul Special ll
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Cort Action Bass
Ovation Celebrity Deluxe
Line 6 Spider ll
Traynor YCV50 Blue
#3
Wow. I like this. I'll give it a crit tomorrow.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#5
A Poem for a Two Month Anniversary.

"Do you promise Dylan?"
"Yes, I'll sense you tomorrow."

I watched the Elementary school fade into the side of the hill;
And through the eyes of a bus I passed a graveyard
The bus I think goes better Unless you want to kep it nmore general.
With six senses that told me that I will feel you soon;
And I tasted each camera shot, licked each flash of
The smell of wet roses and your scent, which mourned the
Licking a smell is an image I personally dislike, I just don't think it's that great imo. Tasting a smell yes, and although licking is original I just don't like the image it gives off. Nor do I like the ongoing sentence that this is becoming.
Sight of six-hundred bouquets that I pretended were not symbolic of your beauty
And your memory, faded like a rising moan, mounting, writhing--
Ugh, stopping this here. What annoys me about this is that it's just one endless sentence with ideas running into each other and imo colliding in an awkward and most unlikeable fashion. Either break it up into sentences and make sure they don't overlap, taking time each image is seperate from another, or cut down how often you're painting these pictures.
I could hear it clear, the scream, the rising water, the soaked, trodden grass,
I could hear it clear, the seams of my bed creaking under your cupped, trodden breasts;
I don't like the double trodden.

Through the eyes of a bus I pass through a graveyard
The funny thing is you've said this twice in one sentence.
Where six-hundred tears mourn the death of someone he thought was
Beautiful.
Ah. A full stop. Maybe it adds significane that it's next to a single word, beutiful, but really, it should've come much sooner, surely.
Taste, smell, sight, touch, sound--
And the senses tell me that you are beautiful.
Eh. Here I it just feels you couldn't describe this 6th ense your on about. The sense that tells me your beatufiful would work for a 6th sense, but "the senses tell me" I don't think works. But then again it might. idk.

And the senses tell me to wonder
If beauty is as fleeting as a crying photographer at a 3 year old headstone
That’s been rubbed so hard that he can’t even still feel the name etched in granite?
Too much imo. Didn't need it I don't think.

One day I will watch you fade into the side of the hill,
"no, nothing you ever care about is fleeting."
But I will always remember you when I stare down-trodden into my bed,
nice turn on trodden.
But I will always sense you whenever I smile, whenever I really, truly smile.
Cheddar.

And I mean this because
The senses made me promise
That I will sense you tomorrow.
Too much "sense". These last five lines just changed too much in tone. You've gone from a blur of images to a simple, cheesey ending, and I feel it's too much of a change. Less images that are to-and-froing and combinging this with the simpler ideas and turns of ideas and I think this'll improve. Then again, that's just the style I'd prefer

In my sig if you can synthy. I'd like some more pointers on my experimental stuff. Cheers
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 20, 2007,
#6
Quote by #1 synth

A Poem for a Two Month Anniversary.


"Do you promise Dylan?"
"Yes, I'll sense you tomorrow."


Well I really hate the "I'll sense you" part. it's kind of a mood spoiler. It sounds like it's going for something romantic, then you are hit with something cheesy.

I watched the Elementary school fade into the side of the hill;
And through the eyes of a bus I passed a graveyard
With six senses that told me that I will feel you soon;
And I tasted each camera shot, licked each flash of
The smell of wet roses and your scent, which mourned the
Sight of six-hundred bouquets that I pretended were not symbolic of your beauty
And your memory, faded like a rising moan, mounting, writhing--
I could hear it clear, the scream, the rising water, the soaked, trodden grass,
I could hear it clear, the seams of my bed creaking under your cupped, trodden breasts;

Hmmmm I thought this was beautiful, but then the "cupped, trodden breasts" part I didn't really like. It seems like all that beautiful imagery leads to a blatant scene of sex. It would be nicer if it was more subtle, but that's just me. Really good stanza besides that, though.

Through the eyes of a bus I pass through a graveyard
Where six-hundred tears mourn the death of someone he thought was
Beautiful.
Taste, smell, sight, touch, sound--
And the senses tell me that you are beautiful.

I like how you take six-hundred tears and present them as a single person. It was really nice, and really relatable to me.

And the senses tell me to wonder
If beauty is as fleeting as a crying photographer at a 3 year old headstone
That’s been rubbed so hard that he can’t even still feel the name etched in granite?


Love the metaphor.

One day I will watch you fade into the side of the hill,
"no, nothing you ever care about is fleeting."
But I will always remember you when I stare down-trodden into my bed,
But I will always sense you whenever I smile, whenever I really, truly smile.

And I mean this because
The senses made me promise
That I will sense you tomorrow.


This last part sort of confuses me. I can't tell if you are talking about a current or past relationship.


I really like this. I had to crit it, I don't really care or not if you crit a piece of mine or not, I just wanted to crit this. I saw it after reading your piece "I killed writing and I quit" for like the twentieth time, it's really like my favorite piece of writing, and plus a two month anniversary was really something personal to me. You need to post more. If you had posted this slightly earlier I might have had to nominate you for WOTM.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#7
Your description of sex was gross... albeit the last line was slightly clever, up until the 'breast' mentioning.

I mean, it's good. It's what I've come to expect from you though. You have a distinct style, and this definately stays true to form.

I don't know if I love it, but it's certainly a good piece.

For the record: When writing about sex, be clever about it. I don't want to read about 'cupped, trodden breasts', which sounds DISGUSTING by the way... I know it doesn't mean anything gross, but the way it sounds is... ew.

Anyway, a good piece.
#8
very poetic..specially with the asix senses , graveyards, an stuff. While reading it kept being intresting which is cool. Cause it didnt lose my attention. It sounds very heart felt, an it is much like a good poem should be. nice work!!