#1
Okay,so i edited it because i realised it wasnt the best i could do.So the story of the song has kinda changed now,but i think its more personal then the last one.And i think its just that bit better.And i didnt capitalise every word....im learning


Verse 1-
I've Got That Song Stuck In My Head
And Im lying Here In Someone Else's Bed
And Im wondering Why I Can't Sleep
Yeah Im Wondering Why I Can't Sleep

Verse 2-
Outside Its Raining That Means Nothing To Me
The Moon Is Shinning But I Still Can't Sleep
And Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes
Yeah Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes

Chorus 1-
Your face comes and haunts me
Everytime I struggle to sleep
And the frustration takes me away
And puts me right in the middle of anxiety

Verse 3-
I feel her breathing next to me
And watch her as she sleeps
Thinking about all her dreams
Then close my eyes and try to sleep


Chorus 2-
Your face comes and haunts me
Everytime I struggle to sleep
And the frustration takes me away
And puts me right in the middle of anxiety


Bridge-
Just to break the silence I wanna scream
And wake her up from her dreams
And tell her I loved you
And that you loved me


Outro-
But maybe she's not the problem why I can't sleep
And that i have nightmares and not dreams.
Last edited by i_got_novacain at Feb 28, 2007,
#2
I liked it. However you should look to it that it will be sung with emotion.
Quote by Xplozive
You sir are a dick!
Quote by Toppscore
And then again, Wildthang, "You're probably NOT one of them clean Socialists, either"

Wat.
#3
Verse 1-
I've Got That Song Stuck In My Head
And Im lying Here In Someone Else's Bed
And Im wondering Why I Can't Sleep
Yeah Im Wondering Why I Can't Sleep
(The first thing that struck me was that his could be a pretty cool Outkast rap song . I'm just gonna crit it all in one at the bottom.)

Verse 2-
Outside Its Raining That Means Nothing To Me
The Moon Is Shinning But I Still Can't Sleep
And Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes
Yeah Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes

Chorus 1-
That Bad Dream Comes Back To Me
That Bad Dream Comes Back To Me
And I Wonder Why I Can't Sleep
When All The Answers Are In That Bad Dream

Verse 3-
I Feel Her Breathing Next To Me
But Somehow I Don't Think She's Asleep
I Bet She's Having The Same Bad Dream
But Im Wondering How She Can Sleep

Chorus 2-
Cos Whenever I Sleep That Bad Dreams Comes Home To Me
Whenever I Sleep That Bad Dream Comes Home To Me
And Still I Wonder How It Is She Can Sleep
When We Both Have The Same Bad Dreams

Bridge-
Just To break The Silence I Want To Scream
And Wake Her Up From That Terrible Dream
And She Can Tell Me
Yeah She Can Tell Me

Outro-
But Maybe Im The Only One Who Cant Sleep
And Maybe Im The Only One Who Has That Bad Dream
(You use the same word over and over and over and over again here man! It get really boring! And the main problem is that it doesn't evolve or get anywhere by the end of the song... Every stanza says almost the same thing! To little variation. To much of the same, simple! )
#4
You should look at getting your shift key removed. Reading Writing Like This All The Time Gets A Little Frustrating, And It's Hard To Tell When You're Starting A New Sentence.

Enough of that.
This is a solid song. Its not some literary masterpeice, and i don't think thats what you were aiming for, but it is on the same level as most popular songs of today. I think if you can get a catchy melody, this could be a hit. I like it.
#5
Well, after I read it for the first time, it kinda seemed like a pop-punk song. Nothing wrong with that though.

Verse 1-
I've Got That Song Stuck In My Head
And Im lying Here In Someone Else's Bed
And Im wondering Why I Can't Sleep
Yeah Im Wondering Why I Can't Sleep

Why is it in someone else's bed? I like how you repeat the last line twice to show the repetition and monotony of not being able to sleep.

Verse 2-
Outside Its Raining That Means Nothing To Me
The Moon Is Shinning But I Still Can't Sleep
And Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes
Yeah Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes

The first 2 lines are alright. I like it how the 2nd one doesn't really make sense, but sounds meaningful. See above with the last 2.

Chorus 1-
That Bad Dream Comes Back To Me
That Bad Dream Comes Back To Me
And I Wonder Why I Can't Sleep
When All The Answers Are In That Bad Dream

I don't know about this. I assume it is suggesting the protagonist can't sleep because he/she saw something bad or killed someone or something. The problem is that it seems kinda repetitive. Not good repetitive that sets a theme, but just meh.

Verse 3-
I Feel Her Breathing Next To Me
But Somehow I Don't Think She's Asleep
I Bet She's Having The Same Bad Dream
But Im Wondering How She Can Sleep

Apart from the last line that seems to ruin it, the first 2 lines are absolute gold. The 3rd line is ok too. Maybe something interesting like 'Am I living in her sleep' or something to that effect.

Chorus 2-
Cos Whenever I Sleep That Bad Dreams Comes Home To Me
Whenever I Sleep That Bad Dream Comes Home To Me
And Still I Wonder How It Is She Can Sleep
When We Both Have The Same Bad Dreams

See what I said about the last chorus.

Bridge-
Just To break The Silence I Want To Scream
And Wake Her Up From That Terrible Dream
And She Can Tell Me
Yeah She Can Tell Me

This is good. Quite good. The repetition is getting quite annoying though.

Outro-
But Maybe Im The Only One Who Cant Sleep
And Maybe Im The Only One Who Has That Bad Dream

Ok.

So, this song could do with some improvement, but it's not bad.

Sorry I didn't back up some of my complaints. It is 12:50AM, I just got back from a NOFX concert, and I am quite tired and going to bed soon, so yeah.

6/10
#6
Quote by jhardcore
Well, after I read it for the first time, it kinda seemed like a pop-punk song. Nothing wrong with that though.

Verse 1-
I've Got That Song Stuck In My Head
And Im lying Here In Someone Else's Bed
And Im wondering Why I Can't Sleep
Yeah Im Wondering Why I Can't Sleep

Why is it in someone else's bed? I like how you repeat the last line twice to show the repetition and monotony of not being able to sleep.

Verse 2-
Outside Its Raining That Means Nothing To Me
The Moon Is Shinning But I Still Can't Sleep
And Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes
Yeah Everytime I Go To Shut My Eyes

The first 2 lines are alright. I like it how the 2nd one doesn't really make sense, but sounds meaningful. See above with the last 2.

Chorus 1-
That Bad Dream Comes Back To Me
That Bad Dream Comes Back To Me
And I Wonder Why I Can't Sleep
When All The Answers Are In That Bad Dream

I don't know about this. I assume it is suggesting the protagonist can't sleep because he/she saw something bad or killed someone or something. The problem is that it seems kinda repetitive. Not good repetitive that sets a theme, but just meh.

Verse 3-
I Feel Her Breathing Next To Me
But Somehow I Don't Think She's Asleep
I Bet She's Having The Same Bad Dream
But Im Wondering How She Can Sleep

Apart from the last line that seems to ruin it, the first 2 lines are absolute gold. The 3rd line is ok too. Maybe something interesting like 'Am I living in her sleep' or something to that effect.

Chorus 2-
Cos Whenever I Sleep That Bad Dreams Comes Home To Me
Whenever I Sleep That Bad Dream Comes Home To Me
And Still I Wonder How It Is She Can Sleep
When We Both Have The Same Bad Dreams

See what I said about the last chorus.

Bridge-
Just To break The Silence I Want To Scream
And Wake Her Up From That Terrible Dream
And She Can Tell Me
Yeah She Can Tell Me

This is good. Quite good. The repetition is getting quite annoying though.

Outro-
But Maybe Im The Only One Who Cant Sleep
And Maybe Im The Only One Who Has That Bad Dream

Ok.

So, this song could do with some improvement, but it's not bad.

Sorry I didn't back up some of my complaints. It is 12:50AM, I just got back from a NOFX concert, and I am quite tired and going to bed soon, so yeah.

6/10



just taught i'd explain your question...its someones else bed like ya know a girlfriends,or someone ya just slept with lol kinda like that

And thanks for the crit mate,it helped alot
Last edited by i_got_novacain at Feb 28, 2007,
#7
pretty good, sry but i couldn't read it all the way to the end, it was kinda boring and it couldn't really keep my attention too well, no offense