#1
yo trying somthing a bit differnt. i was really trying to tackle the flow of my lyrics, seeing as how usually its a bit choppy.let me kno wat u think, crit 4 crit.( changed 2 of the verse ending lines, so check back)


every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep failing to hear
are the echoes of your vile steps
(as you run away)
lier is all they say to me.

everytime it continues beating
i hear echoes spring to mind
they all signal of you returning
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help to see
deceit is all they say to me

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
all your meaningless charades end here

what will you do?

what will you say?

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

look around, no help here found
go ahead, try to cover the mess
try to relinquish it to darkness
one problem, its too full of lies
the echoes help, i dont need eyes
to witness all your mischief

and ok thts it. tell me wat u think, as long as its constructive crits, then i dont mind.crit for crit.
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 24, 2007,
#2
Quote by ragglefraggle

every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
is the echoes of you small feet
(as you run away)
lier is all they say to me.

everytime it continues beating
i hear echoes spring to mind
they all signal of you returning
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help me see
deceit is all they say to me
These both seem like real good verses to me. GJ

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?
This stanza is really, really good. Good rhyming, good flow, good meaning.

what will you do?

what will you say?

dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
what happens when the end draws so near?
This stanza is pretty good but the last line kills it. You need to find a different way to close it out because using "near" in the rhyme scheme makes it sound immature (undeveloped) and cliche.

what will you do?

what will you say?

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

look around, no help here found
go ahead, try to cover the mess
try to relinquish it to darkness
one problem, its to full of lies
the echoes help, i dont need eyes
to see,your all trickery.
I didn't really like the first line in this stanza but that could be more of a preference thing. The second line is cliche, although it rhymes well with the third. But I'd change it. I'm not sure how I feel about the last line. I think it could be better.


You definitely have some good stuff in this song, like it has potential. Just work on those points.
We're only strays.
#3
Quote by ragglefraggle
yo trying somthing a bit differnt. i was really trying to tackle the flow of my lyrics, seeing as how usually its a bit choppy.let me kno wat u think, crit 4 crit.


every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
is the echoes of you small feet
(as you run away)
lier is all they say to me.

first 3 lines are good as an opener but for 4th & 5th i have something in my mind.
try
things you dont want to hear
in echoes of your feet disappear

urs is good also but hey thats me i just thought of a line so i said it . i hope you dont mind



everytime it continues beating
i hear echoes spring to mind
they all signal of you returning
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help me see
deceit is all they say to me

its good dnt change anything

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?

which one side will show you time

will add much more meaning and impact thats what i think

what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
what happens when the end draws so near?


i didnt like the last line it seems bit forced i willl write u another ending



dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
Since love is different form of care..


what will you do?

what will you say?

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

look around, no help here found
go ahead, try to cover the mess
try to relinquish it to darkness
one problem, its too full of lies
the echoes help, i dont need eyes
to see,your all trickery.

last line i again didnt like


and ok thts it. tell me wat u think, as long as its constructive crits, then i dont mind.crit for crit.



your piece is really good . i liked it alot . i hope you didnt mind my suggestions or i should say replacement lines. some of the lines are really well writtern overall weel done job . i will look frwrd to see more of your work
Hi
#4
ok thx for u recemendations, but i dont think any of ur lines work.

things you dont want to hear
in echoes of your feet disappear

this messes up the rhyme skeme i had and the syllable count i had going.

which one side will show you time

doesnt work either, even tho syllable count is right, its going for a differnt meaning than the line i have there. the line i have is saying which face will the person show, seeing as how the person is 2 faced.

Since love is different form of care..

doesnt work because i think its going for a differnt meaning than i intend, and it messes with the rhyme scheme.


even tho u did point out some lines i myself thought were weak, i dont think i can go for ur suggestions, but thank you anyways
#5
no problem dude . its ur song its ur wish .maybe i am too high on dope but ur point taken and well understood
Hi
#6
Thank you for criting mine...I'll admit it probably sounds better in my head than when written down

I shall crit yours tomorrow.
Lets All Goto Mars: The I The FLAMING LIPS Club
#7
Quote by ragglefraggle

every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
is the echoes of your small feet
(as you run away)
liar is all they say to me.

I don't really like "small feet." Small isn't a "good" adjective.

everytime it continues beating
I hear echoes spring to mind
they all signal of you returning
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help me see
deceit is all they say to me

You used "me" twice in two lines, I didn't really like it.

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

This is good.

what will you do?

what will you say?

dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
all your meaningless charades end here

the "Deepest sincere" line doesn't flow, very well imo.


look around, no help here found
go ahead, try to cover the mess
try to relinquish it to darkness
one problem, its too full of lies
the echoes help, i dont need eyes
to witness all you mischief
I don't like the abbccd rhyme scheme, but that's just me.


Pretty good.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#8
ok yea, i kno small isnt the best word to use, but i needed a adj with 1 syllable, thats all i could think of. as of the using me in 2 lines, i could think of anyway else to put it to keep the syllable count how i wanted it, i kno i hate it wen pple do tht thing too.any suggestions on how to change it and keep rhyme scheme and syllable count i would really apreciate it man.

EDIT: hm, ok i was thinking mabe i could do..

but the echoes still help one see
deceit is all they say to me

but im not sure if tht works into it.hm... im stumped/
#9
uhhhh well no suggestion for small, [possibly "vile"]

and maybe

but the echoes still help to see
deceit is all they say to me
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#13
Quote by ragglefraggle
um, vile means small? really? i didnt kno that. hm... and i really like ur suggestion better then the alternate i thoguht up, great, thx for all ur help.did u already crit one of urs or not?


uhh actually vile means like evil, bad. I thought it fit, because they sound like something well bad. and yeah you already critted mine.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#14
hm, ok that works too, and mabe instead of feet, i could use steps?hm...


every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
is the echoes of your vile steps
(as you run away)
liar is all they say to me.


i think tht works well....
#16
Quote by ragglefraggle
yo trying somthing a bit differnt. i was really trying to tackle the flow of my lyrics, seeing as how usually its a bit choppy.let me kno wat u think, crit 4 crit.( changed 2 of the verse ending lines, so check back)


Every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
is(are, not is) the echoes of your small feet
(as you run away)
lier is all they say to me.

Everytime it continues beating,
I hear echoes spring to mind,
they all signal of you returning,
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help to see
deceit is all they say to me

Flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
What happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

What will you do?

What will you say?

Dont you do what others do.
Dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "Deepest sincere"
all your meaningless charades end here

What will you do?

What will you say?

Flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
What happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

What will you do?

What will you say?

Look around, no help here found.
Go ahead, try to cover the mess,
try to relinquish it to darkness.
One problem, its too full of lies.
The echoes help, i dont need eyes
to witness all your mischief

and ok thts it. tell me wat u think, as long as its constructive crits, then i dont mind.crit for crit.



This was good, i dont know much about critizing so i just corrected some stuff. 4.25/5
#17
hm, ok thx, i dont really bother to capitalize anything, seeing how its a song, and tht wont change the way its sung, but i see how it would be, are ,not is. oh and soory sal for yellnig at u this morning, i was in a bad mood, and u jsut pissed me off more.
#18
Its ok, i always piss you off anyways.... yeah, alright....lol
Last edited by axe395 at Feb 19, 2007,
#19
Raggle this seems to have had enough critiques, I shall get on the next piece you post as soon as its up, that aright? Or do you really want a crit on this one, eitherway it doesn't bother me.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#21
every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
are the echoes of your vile steps
(as you run away)
lier is all they say to me. I dont get this stanza.. lol

everytime it continues beating
i hear echoes spring to mind
they all signal of you returning
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help to see
deceit is all they say to me Deceit?.. wtf is that?..

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time? Insead of "show", it would sound better with, "see"
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
all your meaningless charades end here

what will you do?

what will you say?

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

look around, no help here found
go ahead, try to cover the mess
try to relinquish it to darkness
one problem, its too full of lies
the echoes help, i dont need eyes
to witness all you mischief Maybe sound better with, "this" instead of "you"?


This was good, probably not the best from you, but it was good. 4.2/5
#22
hm, ok im gana fix the last line, i had it a differnt wat, then put mischief in, and didnt notice it didnt make any sense, anyways deceit, that is another word for lies, wen some body is full of lies and trickory, they are deceitful.

and i cant change 'show' to 'see' cuz its changing the meaning of it to something differnt, making the story teller the 2 faced person.
#23
oh.. i didn't notice that, and you would pronounce that word as, "Deseat"?..
#25
not the spelling,but the way to pronounce it would be, "de-seat" wouldn't it?
#26
yea thts how u pronounce it. but wat does that really matter? its just lyrics right now, so it will only really matter when i go to record it. oh and dont comment on here again, we are bumping this thing way to much just with me and u replying to each other.just pm, when THW crits this, i dont want him to see this and get pissed at me and ban me or sumthin.
#27
every time its not beating
you run away in silence hopin'
that i dont see you fleeing
but what you keep ignoring to hear
are the echoes of your vile steps
(as you run away)
lier is all they say to me.

Right well I can see how you're trying to create flow, and thay seems to be through rhyme, and to be honest thats where its failing, you've made it so obvious that we focus on the end of line rhyming rather than the flow itself.
The syllable count is alright, 79799 kinda works, but as I said to you try and keep them in couplets. 779977 that way you will find it far easier. Try and cut the rhyme for one piece, see how it goes. In L4 you cant say "ignoring to hear", "failing to hear maybe, but "ignoring" noooo. Cut the "to hear" and it'll work.


everytime it continues beating
i hear echoes spring to mind
they all signal of you returning
you look quite lovely tonight
but the echoes still help to see
deceit is all they say to me

This is alright, find another word for echoes. L3 sounds awkward to me, "They all signal of your return" maybe, but "returning" doesn't work. Rhythm here is better. Its your weird wording that sometimes distracts the reader from the flow.

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

dont you do what others do
dont say there must be a mistake
cause theres plenty of other ways
to show all of your "deepest sincere"
all your meaningless charades end here

arghh it was beginning to pick up until the last few lines. get rid of one of the donts, again it stops the flow of the piece. you mean sincerity...to be honest you want flow, use some punctuation, as with that piece I showed you, you see how effective it was using it. Try that in your next pice instead.

what will you do?

what will you say?

flip the coin in the sky
which side will you show this time?
what happens when it lands on edge,
and both lights are shown here tonight?

what will you do?

what will you say?

look around, no help here found
go ahead, try to cover the mess
try to relinquish it to darkness
one problem, its too full of lies
the echoes help, i dont need eyes
to witness all your mischief

not bad, the lines jump around alot, but the use of punctuation was miles better, the first line is poorly worded, so fix that. If you dont own a copy try and get "Microsoft Word" it will pick up on small grammatical errors, and help you fix them. Also as I said get a copy of "Eats Shoots and Leaves" the book on grammar, you'll improve no end. Just search amazon for it.

As I said try with you next piece using; no rhyme, and fully punctuate the piece too, also try to write each stanza as a full sentence.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.