#1
Exploration #3 - Heuristic


I've see things begin and end with a
full stop.
Ripples, resound; echoes distilling drapery,
like moisture from the lips,
stolen by your fingertips.
I never saw anything moving,
or sync.
but I knew by the tremble of your eyes
you wanted to.

I dreamt of a caisson; decompression deep, centralised
between the love
and life lines on my palm.
Yet neither go as far off the edge
of my hand; off the edge of
the world: from
its axis to empiricism,
as to predict the future, or signal a warning across oceans
of lightning loved swells...
So...I...
follow
your artery to the [ tip ] of your tongue, where rests a
full stop,
beneath a vertical dash of dismay, latched
against your hollow fissures were the remnants
from a turn of phrase.
Something
on
saviour!
It's always the subtle things we miss...

Whisper nothing sweetheart, our words will only kill us,
lets just say we both knew what we were
thinking,
hand in hand 'till the end,
as we took a decadent step, after years spent condescending ourselves
from our cliff face origins.


peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 19, 2007,
#3
ok usually ur vocab is so spread out i cant even crit urs, but im gana try my best on this one.


I've see things begin and end with a
full stop.
Ripples, resound; echoes distilling drapery,
like moisture from the lips,
stolen by your fingertips.
I never saw anything moving,
or sync.
but I knew by the tremble of your eyes
you wanted to.
hm, very good, i like ur imagery, for once i can understand it somewat

I dreamt of a caisson; decompression deep, centralised
between the love
and life lines on my palm.
Yet neither go as far off the edge
of my hand; off the edge ofnice, i like how u switched it up, palm, hand. good
the world: from
its axis to empiricism,
as to predict the future, or signal a warning across oceans
of lightning loved waves...
So...I...
follow
your artery to the [ ] of your tongue, where rests awats does [ ] mean?
full stop,
beneath a vertical dash of dismay, latched
against your hollow fissures were te remnants from a turn of phrase.'te' is that a word? or is it supposed to be 'the'?
Something
on
saviour!
It's always the subtle things we miss...

Whisper nothing sweetheart, our words will only kill us,
lets just say we both knew what we were
thinking,
hand in hand 'till the end,
as we took a decadent step, after years spent condescending ourselves
from our cliff face origins


you see? THIS is why i nom u for WOTM. but the first verse was my favorite, i understood the words u used[most of them] and like the imagery best there. the second verse/thing was good, but i couldnt get what it was saying, to me it kept on going and going, and it just wasnt making anysense. altho it was descriptive, it just lost me. sorry, thts probly just cuz im to dumb to understand wat ut saying. sorry about that.

crit 'the echoes' if u could, even if its as helpless of a crit as i just did for u.
#4
Jesus Christ the inter-poems were beautiful. Specially the "deep love lines edge the world from its axis" and the last one was just... chilling.

you have so much going on here too, kinda reminded me of a mixture of Will and Matt to be honest, using the best in both of their styles. I had to read it at least 5 times in order to analyze each individual thing (the poem in its entirity, the mini-poems, how punctuation effects it, your use of cliche, basically all of the turns of phrase/wit you use to speak on poetic ideas)

The depth here was amazing. Steve.
#5
Wow.

No doubt one of my favourite pieces form you, and something from you that I actually got some real meaning from.

Just wow. Echoing synth above, the last greyed word bit was... chilling. And so, so real.

Great stuff Steve. Loved it.
#6
My Music
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#7
Thanks guys, I'll get all the crits returned tonight. I was worried about the mini poem in the middle, I wasn't sure it worked, but by your replies it seems to. haha cool. Thanks again.

Anymore.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
that was fucking beautiful.

i can't think of any other way to describe it.
the overall thing, with the base poem, then
the inter-poems and just everything about it
was just incredible. fucking amazing work.

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
my only comment is that this will do better as a poem and not a traditional song with music. dont know if thats what you were going for, but if so excellent work. if not, hey you wrote a pretty good poem on accident, thats something to be proud of!
#10
I'm going to crit this differently.

Diction: You used your words well, and you seemed to be truly immersed in this when you were writing/typing it out. "dash of dismay, latched against your hollow fissures were the remnants" That word, when used in the place you used it, would change the comma to a semi-colon. With a comma, this passage isn't split obviously enough. I can't quite explain it very well at all, but as it is, I, the reader, wants to change "were" to "where" because it is aesthetically better, even if the meaning is gone. I don't know how anyone else feels, but to me it reads wrong.

Structure: Personally, I wasn't a fan of your structure. It is very choppily put together, and it gives me the impression that the structure wasn't that important to you. The "Something/on/Saviour!" passage, personally, didn't need to be structured as it was. I'm not sure of your thinking (who is? ) but having each word take up it's own line was a bit unnecessary.

Rhythm: It was okay, but I became increasingly fed up with the constant breaks, although there were some swift passages. The final stanza had the rhythm of a great poem which I couldn't find anywhere else here. I think the structure (fuller lines) helped, as well as the conservative appliance of commas.

Devices: Obviously, synecdoche was used profoundly. I would say you used it to excess, but I suppose that's merely because of the structure, so I blame that again. You used alliteration occasionally, all to good use. (edit) Nice acrostic. >_>

Originality: Very much original. Although this style has been ever so slightly more these days here, you pull it off better than anyone else. I'd lump all the clichés and stuff like that in this category, but I didn't find any of note.

Overall: The tone of the piece seems very dreamlike, almost reminiscent. Your diction was the strongpoint, and structure the weakpoint. Not to say I didn't like or enjoy it; I did both.
Last edited by Dæmönika at Feb 20, 2007,
#11
I can barely make out the message in the second stanza, all I see is a bunch of gray dancing around in a circle, but maybe that's cuz I'm using UG black. I thought the inner peoms were pretty cool. I liked the piece more than your last one.
#12
amazing work man. i was going to give abig crit or try to, but its just soo, spread out which makes it really hard lol. So i just thought id tell u i tryed!! but this is really great!! i havent really seen the other ones, but im gonna be sure to check out the others. ( the exploration i mean). but truly beautiful work.
#13
WOW thanks everyone, alot! I'm fearful when I deviate from my safehouse of complex stuff, so this is reassuring.

Michael thats a decent crit man, I like it. That part about the structure you picked out the "something on saviour" I left like that cause the acrostic message is S.O.S! But yeah overall it was overdone, alot of it, was for the vertical mini-poems. Thanks man.

Thanks agian everyone.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#14
Oh man.

Don't take this the wrong way, but the inner-poems were possibly even better than the piece itself. They gave me chills. So incredible.

Wow, you really opened up my eyes to experimentation. This is how you play off structure...

Edit: I read it again and again (identidem, in Latin. ) and it's just incredibly beautiful. Wonderful work, Steve. You probably are the best writer, in terms of writing(if that makes sense.), on here.

This is up to you, but I would actually capitalize the "O" and the "S" in the SOS message. It looks a little prettier, makes the flow better, and shows the acrostic more. I'm sure you have your reasons if you don't though...
Last edited by Retribution at Feb 20, 2007,
#16
James thats amazing to hear, thanks man! And those kind words. Man it means alot to hear. Just wish more would transfer that to WOTM.

^ Jimi, hehe

Thanks everyone.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#17
Can't add anything new
the previous comments pretty much said it all
it was beautiful
Boo!
#18
I liked this. I'm not not really fond of pieces like this, as I find them much too precise for my taste, but I did enjoy this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
brilliant. i've never seen poetry that has that sort of.. well, that sort of inner poetry. the line breaks were a little strange and, in some places, (for example, "something/on/saviour!") i felt they were awkward and took away from the flow of the poem. if there is one thing this poem lacks, it is clarity. After a 3rd and 4th read-through, I still have a hard time piecing together the ideas and phrases.

I don't know how much of this crit you can use, but overall it is an excellent and intense effort. well done!
#20
Absolutely amazing writing, As has been said, The structure was off.

But at the same time the mood kind of left the structure and line breaks less... obvious i suppose.

The Inner poem about the earth axis was amazing, I liked it a lot, and I never thought to try a poem inside another. It is very unique, and i do see that being wotm material.

I am not quite as intelligent in the subject of writing as others, so my crit is not quite quality.
But thanks for the amazing read, And if you like, check out my latest song, It is called "... And Peace Shall Sleep" https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526904

Thanks again, Deluster.
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Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#21
Definitely up there with my favorites by you, and in general as well.
Though, I thought that the colours and different letter sizes were not needed. The piece was so strong on its own that adding those just took away from the simplicity you declared it to be.
Saying that, I did think that the internal poems were great. Perhaps you should have just made them extra stanzas in the piece (opening and closing), without taking them out of the piece itself and letting the readers figure it out themselves, that the stanza were constructed from word within the text... or maybe not, I suppose you wanted everyone to be able to get that and showing it clearly is the way to do that with ease.

I loved everything about it.


Love you too babe :P

Carmel
This is not a pipe