#1
Still a work in progress, and it's really short, but I like it nonetheless. Crit and I'd be happy to return the favor.

The Second World

She marches in and talks about the good old times
A memory slipping off my tongue, it struggles and climbs
I smile and she smiles back from a sweet blurred face
Floating around the room I filled my empty space
Together we talk and reminisce and I’m convinced she really exists.

Like an unstoppable deluge the world floods in
My eyes won’t open but I know its reality again
The notion washed away, gone is the strongest feeling
Weakness never again that world leaves me reeling
Can’t exist, now withdrawn, close my eyes, the world is gone (world is gone).

Also take a look at my other song on here "You're Not Alone":
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=528899

anything helps, thanks.
#3
The Second World

She marches in and talks about the good old times
A memory slipping off my tongue, it struggles and climbs
I smile and she smiles back from a sweet blurred face
Floating around the room I filled my empty space
Together we talk and reminisce and I’m convinced she really 'still' exists.

Like an unstoppable deluge the world floods in
My eyes won’t open but I know its reality again
The notion washed away, gone is the strongest feeling
Weakness never again that world leaves me reeling-dont like this line at all just doesnt seem to fit
Can’t exist, now withdrawn, close my eyes, the world is gone (world is gone).

apart from that one line i love it! its truly amazing! how long did this take you? some of the vocabulary is really good! what kind of music is this put too or want it to be put too?

pm me if ya want to chat about it!
or add my band on myspace www.myspace.com/defendingthedefeated

stay metal
metal_ore :p
#4
thanks, I'm actually having trouble with that line and figuring out how to put what I want to say there, I'll probably submit a revision eventually.