#1
This is about a real person. A kid whom I really thought would never leave us. A kid whose real kindness wasn't appreciated until he left. And I stopped being friends with him at some point because I guess I thought he listened to shitty music. Yeah... he passed sponatenously early january, so I guess this one's called:

"For Sam."

Don't think I didn't see you boy
standing by the stage of contradiction
accommodate the fashion of the posing
hopeless; your shoe polish dark strands,
bleached blotched bright and fruitpunch stained.
Yeah I saw you there behind the dying speakers
beside an ugly chord, an incoherent chorus.
I watched when the crowds never hustled,
And your mascara shapes smudged by
their symbol's representation,
And I remember the day when everyone showed
in fancy suits and crew cut hair, and you with
that tender smile, breeding off your ageless face.
I guess I never really came that day you left,
but I left you a note I think you could die by,
"love is just a line stuck to the finest casket,
beside the freshest discount roses a child's
life insurance can expend."
Last edited by clichealias at Feb 20, 2007,
#2
"bleached blotched bright"
the alliteration's nice, but i don't like "blotched".
it's just kind of awkward to read and it ruins the flow.
but. that's just my opinion. i'm sure others are fine with it.


"beside the freshest discount roses a child's
life insurance can expend."
i don't like the line break here. i think you should put it
before you say "a child's" because where it is right now
kind of makes an awkward jump in the flow, and if you
put it after "roses", that jump wouldn't be awkward at all.


but kay. overall. i loved it.

i thought it was heartfelt and emotional, and although
not TOTALLY original, it was interesting and original
enough to keep me reading. plus, your intro story
DID help it a lot. i probably wouldn't have thought
as much of it if i didn't know what it was about.

good job though

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
Weirddd night tonight. Governors in town for the snow disasters, and I've got a bench warrant out for my arrest, says my pretrial release. Looks like I've probably got till tomorrow judging by the clock's optomism, so if anyone else has anything to say, it's probably your last chance.

Thanks guys.