#1
Sorry if some people find this offensive or think i'm having a dig, i'm not

enjoy

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I'll just put you on hold, while i hold back these hands
From strangling necks and pulling triggers
Best friends say you mean it, so i believe you
Just wishing i could've felt it cleaner

Hearts break in multitudes like the towers, how they fell
Splits at each level, while caving in on themselves
And with an explosion as each story blows out
Screaming metal gives up and caves in on itself

You are the plane, holding hostages ransom
With no reason to give in; no expectance of returning
So this suicide is worth it, i think you believe so
Problem is i'm dying, you can't live here

But i'm trapped by promise, better and better
I'll hold on to beliefs that you've changed 'cause you said
"it'll be different, you know it, you can feel it,
I've changed for the better", I fell for this... (disbelief)

Hearts break in multitudes like the towers, how they fell
Splits at each level, while caving in on themselves
And with an explosion as each story blows out
Screaming metal gives up and caves in on itself
Pull yourself out from the wreckage and grow
Holding in your stomach, intestines; and know
I believe in karma, so this is your hell
I've got a twin, hit just the same as me

If this is the best you've got
I've got a guy you have to meet
And he'll show you how it feels inside
To believe you're completely right

Hearts break in multitudes, like the towers, how they fell
Splitting at each level and caving in on themselves
And with an explosion as each story blows outwards
Screaming metal gives up and caves in on itself
Pull yourself out from the wreckage and grow
Holding in your stomach, intestines; and know
I believe in karma, so this is your hell
I've got a twin, hit just the same as me
#2
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I'll just put you on hold, while i hold back these hands
The double hold is an instant turn off in this line.
From strangling necks and pulling triggers
Best friends say you mean it, so i believe you
Just wishing i could've felt it cleaner
These last two lines kind of drift off your opening two. They just don't feel right where they are.

Hearts break in multitudes like the towers, how they fell
Splits at each level, while caving in on themselves
And with an explosion as each story blows out
Screaming metal gives up and caves in on itself
Meh. I dunno, this just feels awkwardly put imo, I don't feel a whole lot of cohesio in this piece atm.

You are the plane, holding hostages ransom
With no reason to give in; no expectance of returning
So this suicide is worth it, i think you believe so
Problem is i'm dying, you can't live here
Last line agian just feels like it's wandered. Alright stanza otherwise though.

But i'm trapped by promise, better and better
I'll hold on to beliefs that you've changed 'cause you said
"it'll be different, you know it, you can feel it,
I've changed for the better", I fell for this... (disbelief)
Again, just awkwardly put wiht no real flow or anyhting- that'll be my main problem here.

Hearts break in multitudes like the towers, how they fell
Splits at each level, while caving in on themselves
And with an explosion as each story blows out
Screaming metal gives up and caves in on itself
Pull yourself out from the wreckage and grow
Holding in your stomach, intestines; and know
I believe in karma, so this is your hell
I've got a twin, hit just the same as me
the added stuff to this from the last time I don't like at all.

If this is the best you've got
I've got a guy you have to meet
And he'll show you how it feels inside
To believe you're completely right
alright. Nothing too special though.

Hearts break in multitudes, like the towers, how they fell
Splitting at each level and caving in on themselves
And with an explosion as each story blows outwards
Screaming metal gives up and caves in on itself
Pull yourself out from the wreckage and grow
Holding in your stomach, intestines; and know
I believe in karma, so this is your hell
I've got a twin, hit just the same as me
My main gripe with all this was just a lack of it feeling together and one piece, and it just felt a bit forced throughout and not too well exectued. Reorganise your ideas and make sure they flow well into each other.

Fin
#3
Thanks Jamie, i'll work on it, truthfully, i just like the chorus, i thought i put it well

Expressions of heartbreak using what is probably the most well known moment in time (by my age group/generation)

now that i re-read it it does seem very bereft of emotion, thanks

I'll rewrite asap
And If God Is Always Right, Doesn't Mean I Have To Like It...


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