#1
please critic


She Was My World


Verse 1:

we were just friends
but then it all changed
hours on the phone each and every day
talking about each and every thing
soon we were together like paper and glue

( spoken )
but....

Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there


verse 2:

i didnt even think about how lucky i was
to have her there by my side
all those months felt like years flying in my mind
i couldnt even think
i was so sad i almost cried


Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there


verse 3:

what will i do to get my mind off you?
what can i get to get my thoughts off her?
what should i see to think of someone else?
all i know is that i was bad that summer
i shouldve called her more


Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there


(spoken) while slowing down and getting quieter.

Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there


please critic this, this is only the second song ive written. tell me what you think.
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#2
can someone critic this please?
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#3
Ok Ok Already. I take pity.

Verse 1:

we were just friends
but then it all changed
hours on the phone each and every day
talking about each and every thing
soon we were together like paper and glue Not the most poetic simile ever, but hey, it's functional.

Overall I like the verse, as people are beginning to tell I am very much for songs that mean something and are not too heavily laden with metaphors.

( spoken )
but....

Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there

I like the verse, there's nothing to pick out, you could put a whole pile of crap as your lyrics but as long as it is good musically you'll be fine. Look at Oasis. As it is I think it's a pretty good chorus.

verse 2:

i didnt even think about how lucky i was
to have her there by my side
all those months felt like years flying in my mind
i couldnt even think
i was so sad i almost cried

Dude when my girl left me I did cry. I was mega upset, you obviously weren't that upset. But anyway another good verse.

Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there

Any thoughts of a bridge somewhere? Just a suggestion, not that I'm any kind of expert.

verse 3:

what will i do to get my mind off you?
what can i get to get my thoughts off her?
what should i see to think of someone else?
all i know is that i was bad that summer
i shouldve called her more

Yeah I like that last verse a lot. Oh well lesson learned you can move on and you made a good song about it too!


Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there


(spoken) while slowing down and getting quieter.

Chorus:

she was my world
but i was her joke
it would've worked
if i cared more
she didnt even give me the reason she left
just called me up and dropped me there

Potentially a really good song. All you have to do is the hard part now and write a mindblowing tune. Good lyrics.