#1
I stitched together my life
Crossing black lungs and green addictions
With love and the loss of it.
I used purple needles with purple wool
Making lives out of lifeless red hearts.
I’m an artist not a painter.

People will pass and prices will plummet,
Though one will see me as their own.
I'll pass through floors and walls
Admired and admonished.
Until my black boxlike home I come.
I’ve been loved, lost, and forgotten
though I've never loved or lost a soul

I’m an artist not a painter,
And I consider that quite the accomplishment.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Feb 20, 2007,
#2
I stitched together my life
Crossing black lungs and green addictions
With love and the loss of it.
I used purple needles with purple wool
Making lives out of lifeless red heart.
I’m an artist not a painter.
i love the use of colours as symbols here.
colours can say so much and i don't think
many people really realize this or use it to
their advantage when they're writing things.
my only complaint is "out of lifeless red heart".
i think you should say something like "hearts".
it would just sound better. as it is, it sounds a
bit awkward. but other than that, it's all good.


People will pass and prices will plummet,
Though one will see me as their own.
Ill pass through floors and walls
Admired and admonished.
Until my black boxlike home I come
I’ve been loved, lost, and forgotten
Never meeting a soul
i don't like this stanza as much as the first.
i really don't like the first two lines. i think
you should change them to something else.
something that might carry more of an impact.
you need an apostrophe in the "i'll" of line three.
lines five and six don't really make sense to me.
not like. the meaning. but grammatically. maybe.
maybe if you explain it, it'll make sense? it just.
doesn't really make grammatical sense to me.
but maybe that's just me. i don't really know.
also, i don't like the last line. it's kind of cliche.
so. other than those things, this one's alright.
not even close to as good as the first one though.


I’m an artist not a painter,
And I consider that quite the accomplishment.
this is a nice little ending. i like this part.

overall, it's a pretty good piece.
the second stanza could REALLY
use quite a bit of work though.
there are a lot of problems in it.
but fix that, and it'll all be cool.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
EDIT: I messed it up a little, I fixed it.

I stitched together my life
Crossing black lungs and green addictions
With love and the loss of it.
I used purple needles with purple wool
Making lives out of lifeless red heart.
I’m an artist not a painter.

I loved everything in this stanza

People will pass and prices will plummet,
Though one will see me as their own.
I'll pass through floors and walls
Admired and admonished.
Until my black boxlike home I come.
I’ve been loved, lost, and forgotten
though I've never loved or lost a soul

I didn't like this one as much as the last. I really didn't care for the first line, it kinda ruined the effect of the piece for me, but that's just me.[/.

I’m an artist not a painter,
And I consider that quite the accomplishment.

I didn't care for the ending the first time I read this, but the more I read this the more I like how it ends.

Overall I liked it, and from what I remember I usually don't take to your pieces. I liked the first stanza the most, I thought it brought the piece up a few notches, at least in my opinion. If you could please crit my latest, the links in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 20, 2007,
#6
Quote by TrigFunction
I stitched together my life
Crossing black lungs and green addictions
With love and the loss of it.
I used purple needles with purple wool
Making lives out of lifeless red hearts.
I’m an artist not a painter.

This is a good line, although L4 brings up small flow issues, at least the way I read it. But I wouldn't care much about it. You paint great pictures here.

Errrrr, you "art" great pictures here.


People will pass and prices will plummet,
Though one will see me as their own.
I'll pass through floors and walls
Admired and admonished.
Until my black boxlike home I come.
I’ve been loved, lost, and forgotten
though I've never loved or lost a soul

Oppositely to the Kyles (aw, how unpersonal), I quite liked the first 2 lines. I think they say a lot and actually add much to the piece. Something's wrong with L5 here, grammatically. Maybe you could fix it up or explain what you were going for? Or maybe you don't want to start over another grammatical argument... As for the rest of it, maybe inverting the "loved" and "lost" in last line would make a small interesting twist. I don't think that stanza has bad ideas, but it does come off weaker than the first. Probably because the ideas in the previous stanzas tied in so well together, you always had something that linked one line to another, and here in S2 it's just so jumpy...that it contrasts. so yeah.

I’m an artist not a painter,
And I consider that quite the accomplishment.
Fun one, I like it.


Overall that was a good piece, I liked it a fair bit, sorry I couldn't say much more. I would quite like if you could take a look at my latest, but I know it's a bit long, so don't feel any pressured...

Keep 'em coming up,
-Mathieu
#8
No I don't know where you're oing with it


I stitched together my life
Crossing black lungs and green addictions
With love and the loss of it.
Love the use of oclours, as someone said above (Grovers? ) it's underused and has inspired me to use them more. I'm not too sure about the third line thoughm I'm not sure how needed it is.
I used purple needles with purple wool
Making lives out of lifeless red hearts.
I’m an artist not a painter.
I dunno, all the stiching etc and then talking about paintintg- I would have prefferred it if you had kept it to one sort of art and craft, though you do kind of say your an artist not a painter- I'm not sure, but here is where I got confused a bit thouigh, althouh I love the sentiment of this last line.

People will pass and prices will plummet,
for me, nice, simple idea, but poor execution with alliteration that for me doesn't work out great.
Though one will see me as their own.
this line feels awkward.
I'll pass through floors and walls
Admired and admonished.
Again, awakward and imo just not great flow between these two lines. I mean, what is admired and abolished? you? the floors? the walls? this sentence confuses me.
Until my black boxlike home I come.
Same here. Feels clumsily worded, which isn't what I normally associate with you Mike.
I’ve been loved, lost, and forgotten
though I've never loved or lost a soul
Meh. Could be much stronger imo.

I’m an artist not a painter,
And I consider that quite the accomplishment.
I like this ending, though I'm sure it would mean more if I got the piece as a whole.

fin

In my sig if you could Mike. Many thanks
#10
Oh i just meant the word painter. I realise that

I dunno summin like I'm an artist, not a seamstress.. lol thats crap but yeah, I thought that pun was... too easy for you. If you get me.

#15
Nice 1
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

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(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#16
Quote by TrigFunction
haha your banned ^

and seamstress does sound gay

which is why i didnt use seamstress...

plus its too obvious


Yeha it's gay

Could ya get to mine trig? Cheers if you could
#17
ha you still dont get it do you jammy? yeah ill get to yours but not now its 7 in the morning. i ahve to go play a jazz festival then by 11 i have to go to work until 7 and then a birthday party at 7:30 ive got a long day ahead 0.o im not exactly looking forward to.