#1
any help is always appreciated. dont be shy, i can take criticism.


hourglass memories fall onto my plate
and dance before my eyes
walk with me if its not too late
i can show you the sunrise

your sandpaper lifelines fille me with doubt
of what this all really means
i cant even tell if you feel like i do
or if thats just how it seems
#2
Quote by thundrstruk891
any help is always appreciated. dont be shy, i can take criticism.


hourglass memories fall onto my plate
and dance before my eyes
walk with me if its not too late
i can show you the sunrise

your sandpaper lifelines fille me with doubt
of what this all really means
i cant even tell if you feel like i do
or if thats just how it seems


The bold part I didnt really under stand but over all I liked what you have. The first part is very well written.
#4
Quote by thundrstruk891
any help is always appreciated. dont be shy, i can take criticism.


hourglass memories fall onto my plate
and dance before my eyes
walk with me if its not too late
i can show you the sunrise

your sandpaper lifelines fille me with doubt
of what this all really means
i cant even tell if you feel like i do
or if thats just how it seems


you might be a luitenant some day son keep it up !!
#5
hourglass memories fall onto my plate
and dance before my eyes <-- you didn't set up this scene at all. what plate? what are you doing that would involve a plate? if you use objects that are only used in certain situations, you need to back them up.
walk with me if its not too late
i can show you the sunrise

your sandpaper lifelines fille me with doubt <-- sandpaper lifelines? that's pretty weak imo.
of what this all really means
i cant even tell if you feel like i do
or if thats just how it seems --> okay, you can work with this, but how do you feel? how do you think she feels? what makes you think that she's deceiving you? what makes you feel that way about her?

I think this one needs a bunch of elaboration. short pieces are cool, but only if they say everything they need to. This piece screams for detail and I think you would do well to add a few more stanzas and see if you can set up a flow of ideas that starts somewhere and takes the reader/listener someplace new. savvy? the ideas are good and some of the lines are definitely usable, but it just doesn't strike a chord with me. yet.

cheers,
Edgar
#7
Quote by thundrstruk891
any help is always appreciated. dont be shy, i can take criticism.


hourglass memories fall onto my plate
and dance before my eyes
walk with me if its not too late
i can show you the sunrise

Very nice.

your sandpaper lifelines fille me with doubt
of what this all really means
i cant even tell if you feel like i do
or if thats just how it seems

If you're going for a similar structure on both, this doesn't seem to fit. Likewise, the third line seems a lot blunter than the mystique the rest of it seems to have.



I like it, short but sweet, with a nice facade of mystique. However, it feels very unfinished and it could do with a lot of elaboration, as Edgar says. I'd give what's here 4/5 but i'd like to see a 'fuller' version.