#1
Crit4Crit
I've had two very close friends almost die from overdose, I'll be touching on those events through out the series, which I only plan on writing three or four. All is OTS except the first stanza, main problem I have is the dialougue needs some work and there's some poor wording/word choice.

"20mgs of Orange Coated Let Down"

Pills are depressing
when you question
why they make you feel
the way they make you.
With those meds, having
nothing to look forward to
feels like a special moment
that you know will end to soon.


I catch her sliding a packet into her pocket,
"What are those?"
And she just smiles making it seem
like this is just an innocent hobby.

"Umm...it's some kind of cold medicine,"
she said it in a cute innocent voice,
like she was hoping I wouldn't notice.

"And how many did you take?"
"I've had four packets,
and there's two in each...
so I've taken...eight."


I drop it, because I feel like
I have no right to tell her
what to do.
But after she came down,
she promised me she'd never do it again,
because I'm more important than the drugs.

That made me feel invincible,
but just like the pills,
I question why I feel good,
and it makes the feeling disappear.
I should have made a difference sooner.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 21, 2007,
#2
In the first stanza the use of "feel" twice in such close proximity kind of annoys me, and you used too many pronouns for my taste. Other than that I really liked this.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#3
i really like the message and overall execution of it. you can kind of feel the emotion right there in front of you.

In that sense it is very powerful to me because i kind of feel the same way about some people (not exact same situation but similar) and this speaks. I almost want to elaborate on the "I question why I feel good, and it makes the feeling disappear" (probably my favorite part in the piece) kind of mentality but i think it would make it too much. maybe a theme for another piece another day...

technically i guess the flow could be improved but it seems to fit the style i find in it

i like it,

peace
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
Quote by stratkat
Crit4Crit
I've had two very close friends almost die from overdose, I'll be touching on those events through out the series, which I only plan on writing three or four. All is OTS except the first stanza, main problem I have is the dialougue needs some work and there's some poor wording/word choice.

"20mgs of Orange Coated Let Down"

Pills are depressing
when you question
why they make you feel
the way they make you.
Eh. for an oepning, this just seems... clumsily done. Idea is good and all just.. yeah, feels clumsy.
With some pills, having
nothing to look forward to
feels like a special moment
that you know will end to soon.
the words pills, feel, make they and you appear to much in that first part. This second part is better. It could be the opening by itself imo.


I catch her sliding a packet into her pocket,
"What are those?"
And she just smiled making it seem
like this is just an innocent hobby.

"smiled" should be smiles, a smalle tense issue as you started this presently. Nice last line hear.
"Umm...it's some kind of cold medicine,"
she said it in a cute innocent voice,
like she was hoping I wouldn't notice.

Eh, don't like the repeat of like... etc.
"And how many did you take?"
"I've had four packets,
and there's two in each...
so I've taken...eight."

nice subtle rhyming. This is pretty decent so far. Simple and to the point.

I drop it, because I feel like
I have no right to tell her
what to do.
Dislike your line breaks here.
But after she came down,
It'd be great to see you twist and turn the drop it form the first part to the coming down, it's that sort of tricky wordplay which will take you to the next level inyour writing.
she promised me she'd never do it again,
because I'm more important than the pills.
"those" pills improves this I feel, as you've made it pretty personal with the she and I'm, and after that "the pills" just seems to general .

That made me feel invincible,
but just like the pills,
find some synonyms or metaphors for pills, please
I question why I feel good,
Too fussy punctuation here :d
and it makes the feeling disappear.
I should have made a difference sooner.
Eh. Good end.


I think now you've got to try and grow into a deeper write.r Like I said about the twist and trickery, you can get that extra layer of wordplay and wit into your pices now you're getting these decent, but not great, little pieces out. I think trying trying to get that next level out of yourself will definitely improve you're all round writing, as would experimenting with new styles. Belive me, that helps alot

In my sig, if you could Strat
#8
I liked the subject because I can relate because I've had friends who were taking pills to escape and it was a mess.

I think it's pretty good but the wording had me read it twice to understand what you were saying a bit more. It was straight forward, which is different and almost refreshing, I liked it!
#9
I'm with Jammy in this one. You're getting better and better, but now you have to try to use better all those little things you've learned.

What I mean is, in some of your pieces I see some nice metaphors and similes. In other ones, excellent flow. In some other, you send out a really nice message or even, you put on a nice twist at the end.

And every single time I think to myself, "damn, why doesn't he blends them all up in one piece?"

I think you've grew the talent to do it, you just have to sit down and take the time to do it right a few times, and it'll all fall down by itself afterwards. Well, it'll be easier, I mean.

#10
Thanks everyone, and I'll try to experiment on my next one, and it won't be on the spot like most of my pieces have been lately. Oh and sorry that I didn't return some crits in full, but I'll probably get bored as hell and edit them.
#11
uh. i don't really have anything new to say.
i agree with basically everything jamie said.
so. i'll critique your next piece instead, kay?

I just want to sleep forever.


#12
Quote by stratkat

"20mgs of Orange Coated Let Down"

Pills are depressing
when you question
why they make you feel
the way they make you.
ugh. you're just so straightforward, which can be a good thing, but in most of your cases, it really is just terrible. it makes everything so much more shallow. its like burying a dead man in a transparent coffin. damn, i like that line.
With those meds, having
nothing to look forward to
feels like a special moment
that you know will end to soon.
i cant tell if you're writing poetry or a speech.


I catch her sliding a packet into her pocket,
"What are those?"
And she just smiles making it seem
like this is just an innocent hobby.

"Umm...it's some kind of cold medicine,"
she said it in a cute innocent voice,
like she was hoping I wouldn't notice.

"And how many did you take?"
"I've had four packets,
and there's two in each...
so I've taken...eight."

the dialogue isn't weak, its standard and adequate. packet into her pocket helps the flow well in the first line. the first italicized part makes this seem, again, like something other than poetry, more like a narrative of a cheap thriller. as for the second italicized part, and most of your poetry, stop explaining yourself. just leave it at "she said in a cute and innocent voice". as for the last line of this stanza, it would be a nice touch to get rid of the eight. it removes any surprise to it. it'd be even better if she lied, as a foreshadow to the future. something like "i've had two packets, and there are two in each, so I've taken.... eight." or something like that, I really have no idea.

I drop it, because I feel like
I have no right to tell her
what to do.
But after she came down,
she promised me she'd never do it again,
because I'm more important than the drugs.
I don't know if this was intentional, but this was a brilliant, brilliant stanza. I mean, outside of the boring way it was written, and the fact that it should be clearer to bring out this brilliantness, and the last line is kind of boring too, the idea is great. her coming down and promising to quit implies (implies, a rare word for much of your writing) that she knows its wrong. that reveals a clear conflict in her personality, between her cute innocent face and her being conscious of your worry for her well-being. i don't know. clear it up, regardless of it being intentional, and make it work better. also, line breaks seem totally disjointed and arbitrary in this stanza.

That made me feel invincible,
but just like the pills,
I question why I feel good,
and it makes the feeling disappear.
I should have made a difference sooner.

i'd merge the first two lines of this stanza with the last stanza. you can totally remove that fourth line by just placing a "but" before "I question". see, brevity! your final line was quite standard, simple, boring, expected. I loved the first two lines though, its the first time ever where I think you're finally starting to get into the mindset of a writer.


i thought you really used italics way too often when they weren't needed. also, i think you should probably condense this a bit more. the last stanza's first part should most definitely be part of the previous stanza.

also, the arbitrary line breaks. to be honest, this really is the first time, in those two lines in the last stanza, where i think you're finally improving. after your first memories installment, i really saw no significant improvement outside of technical writing, kind of. finally, some content maturity and perspective in your writing. but then again, you need to make it all of your piece. your personal perspectives are made too accessible by your writing, so much so that they really aren't personal at all. your opinions are nullified by this.

sorry to have been so harsh. you don't have to crit it, as I know it is crazy to ask, but can you comment my short story in sig? I updated it.