#1
Only Advice

The levity of written word,
the ignorance of innocence.
The brevity of spoken word,
we're all the same in this context.

Fallacy shall rear its head,
whether in bed or at the desk.
Do not protest, fake acceptance.
Keep stepping on without regret.
The golden watch around your wrist
does not tell lies, its owner does.

Input your advice only when needed,
whether in vain or out of kindness.
Careful not to overdo it,
lest ignorance reforms again.
The golden chain around your neck
does not tell lies, the price tag did.

A hypocrite you may become
and such a force must be undone,
not satisfied nor undermined
by spoken word or medicine.

Use no excuse to fake a proof,
use only truth, avoid the cause.
Define your flaws, see for yourself.
You're better off dead than burning in hell.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Feb 21, 2007,
#2
Quote by BluePaintCult
Only Advice

The levity of written word,
the ignorance of innocence.
The brevity of spoken word,
we're all the same in this context. Sounds good so far.

fallacy shall rear its head,
whether in bed or at the desk. Maybe sound better with, "Whether while your in bed"?
do not protest, Seems too short
fake acceptance. Again seems too short
keep stepping on without regret.
input advice when most needed.
careful not to be overdone,
lest ignorance reforms again.
a hypocrite you may become
and such a force must be undone,
not satisfied nor undermined
by spoken word or medicine. Good rhymin on this stanza.

use no excuse to fake a proof,
use only truth, avoid the cause.
define your flaws,
see for yourself.
you're better off dead
than burning in hell. This last stanza is good in rhyming, but you should make your lines longer, i see where your coming from on it, but it would sound better if they were longer, but its your piece you can have it how ever you want.



Really good piece, nice job, but you used work on your capitalization
#3
the levity of written word,
the ignorance of innocence.
the brevity of spoken word,
we're all the same in this context.

I like how you worded this.


fallacy shall rear its head,
whether in bed or at the desk.
do not protest,
fake acceptance.
keep stepping on without regret.
input advice when most needed.
careful not to be overdone,
lest ignorance reforms again.
a hypocrite you may become
and such a force must be undone,
not satisfied nor undermined
by spoken word or medicine.

I liked the flow of this. This stanza makes me think of someone who tries to hard.

use no excuse to fake a proof,
use only truth, avoid the cause.
define your flaws,
see for yourself.
you're better off dead
than burning in hell.

I thought this was a good way to end the peice.

I think I got the meaning of it, even if it's not the one you were going for. Overall I thought this was okay, it was enjoyable to read. If you could please leave a comment on my latest the links in my sig.
#4
Thanks for the crits, I made some changes to structure and punctuation (capitalization, rather.)
#5
I loved the last two lines. Skimming the rest it seemed alright but nothing spectacular. I'll come back and analyze it in a little while because this comment kinda sucks. I just wanted to point out I liked the last two lines.