#1
If you ask me for my secrets, I’ll never tell…

He’s so inconsiderate with his words
But she wants to be around him more and more
And she’s falling hard, oh she’s falling hard
Her heart is working but her brain ain’t doing its part
She’s bantering on how much she wants him
He’s going around drinking his milk and gin
She loves him so much, he doesn’t care much
It hurts to have someone not feel the same way
His words are so special but her words will decay

(Chorus)
I wish you’d stop being frantic
Cheers to the passionate romantics
Wishing they could have some
From one that loves no one
When your heart breaks, it shatters, it sinks
The true love story only happens in dreams

Broken hearted, you wish you started
Paying more attention and being more guarded
She was so blind
He had a one track mind
She wanted his heart, he wanted her body
There is no way for it to end lovely
He didn’t care to even acknowledge her
Lust is a cancer with no single cure
She tried her very best
He told her to give it a rest
Coldness with haunt her forever
Baby, stories don’t last happy, ever…

(chorus)


She’s shattered, tears are flowing, and mascara runs
Nothing but her heart with these cigarette burns
She won’t go on, she only wanted one
Now she’s staring down a barrel of a gun
#2
If you ask me for my secrets, I’ll never tell…

He’s so inconsiderate with his words
But she wants to be around him more and more
And she’s falling hard, oh she’s falling hard
Her heart is working but her brain ain’t doing its part
She’s bantering on how much she wants him
He’s going around drinking his milk and gin
She loves him so much, he doesn’t care much
It hurts to have someone not feel the same way
His words are so special but her words will decay

Pretty strait forward, not bad, but not great either.

(Chorus)
I wish you’d stop being frantic
Cheers to the passionate romantics
Wishing they could have some
From one that loves no one
When your heart breaks, it shatters, it sinks
The true love story only happens in dreams

Same as the one above, I think you might want to work on the flow a bit.

Broken hearted, you wish you started
Paying more attention and being more guarded
She was so blind
He had a one track mind

The wording above was kinda awkward, I'd suggest changing it.

She wanted his heart, he wanted her body
There is no way for it to end lovely
He didn’t care to even acknowledge her
Lust is a cancer with no single cure
She tried her very best
He told her to give it a rest
Coldness with haunt her forever
Baby, stories don’t last happy, ever…

Same as the first two, okay but not great.

(chorus)


She’s shattered, tears are flowing, and mascara runs
Nothing but her heart with these cigarette burns
She won’t go on, she only wanted one
Now she’s staring down a barrel of a gun

No comment EDIT: I'd re-word the last line.

This is good for a song, but as a piece it doesn't stand to well. The more you write the better you get. If you could please crit my latest the links in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 20, 2007,
#3
This is brilliant. I love the first verse especially. The flow and narration is fcking amazing. (Damn, I wish I could write like that.)

The only thing I don't like as much is the last line. It just seems forced and like a sudden stop. The suicide route with the plot is fine, I just think you could find a better way of saying it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
I like you kid.

You got a style I could take to easily. You remind me of me, in your topic etc.

Just do one thing- don't get caught up in rhyming too often. Look for ways to flow without rhyming so much, because too much rhyming can detract from a piece, even if it doesn't feel forced. Remember, rhyming isn't the only way. Subtle rhyming and internal rhyme is so much better.

Keep posting. Pm when you're next ones up, I'm intrigued