#1
I have been editing and changing this peice for a long time, it really has a lot of meaning to me, but i still dont feel satisfied with it. Please tell me what you think of it and anyways that it could improve on. Thanks in advance. Oh yes, and crit mine, ill crit yours

Under ever-watchful eyes,
Resides a figure,
Bound of shadow.

Seemingly incapable of all else,
It dreams,
Of that bound to radiance,
Its one desire,
So close but so far…

Yet so radiant,
It is incomplete,
A piece separate from the rest,
Still to be connected.

Bound of shadow,
It contemplates,
Perhaps it could force this piece into place,
Dare it take the risk?

For this could break what could have been,
And damage such precious beauty…

Bound of shadow,
It knows it must wait,
Wait for that piece,
Never knowing when or if it will ever connect,
It must wait.

Only when complete,
Only then,
They may connect,
Perhaps,
Become one.

---- i really need an outsiders opinion on this one, ive been struggling for a while to get it just right.
#2
This sounds more like a poem to me, I can't imagine how these would translate and fit onto a melody. But anyway, I like the composition and the metaphors used. The puzzle image is quite forward


Crit Back?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530122
#3
its really good, what i took from it was that theres a friendship that he wants to be more but he cant, maybe she doesnt feel the same way back but he knows that if she could love him it would work so well. If he tries to hard tries to force it he could lose what they have now, so he waits hoping she will fall for him and it all work out. thats what i get from it could be far from what u are saying ive been in a situation like the one explained and this poem reminded me of the feelings i had..... well done
#4
Under ever-watchful eyes,
Resides a figure,
Bound of shadow.

Seemingly incapable of all else,
It dreams,
Of that bound to radiance,
Its one desire,
So close but so far…
This is nice, but the word bound has been used above
already...Just saying. Maybe try it dreams of that sound of radiance?
But hey its still good the way it is just saying lol.

Yet so radiant,
It is incomplete,
A piece separate from the rest,
Still to be connected.


Bound of shadow,
It contemplates,
Perhaps it could force this piece into place,
Dare it take the risk?

For this could break what could have been,
And damage such precious beauty…
these things are like a poem. Nothing really comes to mind
On improvement. But its stiill nice work!

Bound of shadow,
It knows it must wait,
Wait for that piece,
Never knowing when or if it will ever connect,
It must wait.

Only when complete,
Only then,
They may connect,
Perhaps,
Become one.


I never saw your first version of this. But i think this version is nice! its poetic.
And i like it! id say out of 10 prob about a...7.0
When reading it i could feel the passion thats been put in it,
Which is why i like it. But thats all i got man!!!
I hope this helps!
And if u can check out my song liquid wingsr !
#5
Quote by blankoutcast
its really good, what i took from it was that theres a friendship that he wants to be more but he cant, maybe she doesnt feel the same way back but he knows that if she could love him it would work so well. If he tries to hard tries to force it he could lose what they have now, so he waits hoping she will fall for him and it all work out. thats what i get from it could be far from what u are saying ive been in a situation like the one explained and this poem reminded me of the feelings i had..... well done


yeah, thats EXACTLY what i was writing about, i couldnt have explained it much better myself.

and thanks for the responses, ill be sure to crit yours sometime tonight.
still always open for more responses though, the more the better
Last edited by GibsonSG15 at Feb 20, 2007,