#1
Girlfriends or Girl "Friends" ?


Well I think your cute
But hey thats just me.
Lets flirt some more now
And baby we'll see.

If one leads to two
And two leads to three
The odds are with us
And we're meant to be.

But if they dont match
Can we still be
As close as they come?
'Cuz thats fine with me.

I'd rather be friends
Than nothing at all.
I'll be here for you
If ever you fall.

I'll help pick you up
When your feeling down
I'll sing you this song
Turn your day around.

My feelings are out.
You know how I feel.
It's nothin but truth.
Nothin but real.


. . . crit 4 crit of course. Im thinking of calling it "Girlfriends or Girl "Friends"?Do you like that title or the new title better? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
#2
pretty cool, i feel that way alot
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#3
Well I think your cute
But hey thats just me.
Lets flirt some more now
And baby we'll see. Nice Rhyming scheme, ABCB

If one leads to two
And two leads to three
The odds are with us
And we're meant to be. Probably like this stanza the best, good job with the wording

But if they dont match
Can we still be
As close as they come?
'Cuz thats fine with me.

I'd rather be friends
Than nothing at all.
I'll be here for you
If ever you fall. I'm not liking this last line.. i dont know why.. well its just me, you write what you want

I'll help pick you up
When your feeling down
I'll sing you this song
Turn your day around.

My feelings are out.
You know how I feel.
It's nothin but truth.
Nothin but real. Good ending, but you shouldn't say that you want to flirt even more in your first stanza..it would probably fit in the middle.


Very good flow and word choice, i really liked this poem, keep it up
#4
(from the other thread)

I like them. This actually is very close to what happened with me (got her in the end )

I like the short verse structure, it'd be kind of cool if you added a short chorus, maybe only 2 lines long or something, but something to tie the sections together, maybe like:

A
B
CHORUS
C
D
CHORUS
E
F

or something like that. Also, maybe a new title? The other one is bett but still doesn't quite do it justice.

Crit back?

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#5
Well I think your cute
But hey thats just me.
Umm... here it seems that you are implying that other people think she's ugly, which I think is kind of weird and not fitting in with what you mean. That could just be me, though.
Lets flirt some more now
'Some more now' is a bit awkward sounding.
And baby we'll see.

If one leads to two
Careful with 'to two'. It could sound extremely bad depending on how it is sung.
And two leads to three
The odds are with us
And we're meant to be.
'Meant to be' is such an overused phrase. If you could find anything else to put there, then I strongly encourage you to replace it.

But if they dont match
Who's they?
Can we still be
As close as they come?
'Cuz thats fine with me.

I'd rather be friends
Than nothing at all.
I'll be here for you
If ever you fall.
Forced rhyming it seems.

I'll help pick you up
When your feeling down
Overused, man. This is really generic, it holds almost no value.
I'll sing you this song
Turn your day around.
If you put 'and' or 'to' at the beginning of the last line, it might sound better.

My feelings are out.
You know how I feel.
It's nothin but truth.
Nothin but real.
This last line is terrible, I'm sorry, but it is. I really think you can come up with something better than this. I like the first two lines, though, so great job on that.

Overall, this is an okay. There's nothing to outstanding about it. You need some fresh imagery in there, most of your phrases and wording is something you would find in any typical love song. More colorful language would greatly aid your song as well.

I hope this helps. Sorry to be so hard on you, but I like this and want it to be the best it can possibly get. If you don't mind, please take a look at mine. It's called Ticking Time Bomb, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
thanks for the help guys. If anybody else reads this, I could use the help so let me know what you think. Thanks.
#7
Yeh, nerk13 knows what he's talking about.

How about 'when you trip and you fall' instead of 'if ever you fall'? It sounds much less forced.