#1
She's a ticking time bomb,
with no detonater.
But she'll find some time,
a new fuse for later.

Three.

Two.

We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

Strike a match and watch her blow.
Isn't it strange?
We're set to go, radioactive glow,
blasting out of range.

Three

Two

Three

Two

Sitting ducks are just ploys,
with dangerous designs.
And then...
we found her, with gun powder,
setting the land mine.

Three

Two

One


Tell me what you think. Any and all crits are appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Just leave a link. (If it's in your sig, please specify which one you would like looked like.) Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
your sond is really good cheak out my song to see what i write its called falling down
bassguitar4ever
#4
Quote by aild2006
i dun't like the counting...


You don't? So are you suggesting I take it out? If I did, I'm afraid the song won't really be much, since there isn't any chorus or altering forms in there. Of course, that just might be a huge problem in itself. I'll consider taking it out and writing more if I hear it again. Thanks for the input.


Quote by amonamon4
your sond is really good cheak out my song to see what i write its called falling down


Umm... sure. I'll look at it, but you're not getting anything from me except a "Good song, man. Keep up the great work.". If even that. If you want a real crit, I'm sorry to be rude, but you need to do more than that. Actually tell me what you liked or disliked.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
I'm not sure I like the counting either. The verses seem pretty strong for the most part, particularly the first three stood out to me. But I understand why the countdowns are there. I suppose it'd depend on how it's done. Personally I imagine them sort of in the background during a more instrumental/solo portion of the song. Kind of a drawn out, deep, background voice going "Three ... two ..." or whatever. Get what I mean at all? Maybe let us know how you were planning on doing the countdowns.
#6
Quote by Herr Jones
I'm not sure I like the counting either. The verses seem pretty strong for the most part, particularly the first three stood out to me. But I understand why the countdowns are there. I suppose it'd depend on how it's done. Personally I imagine them sort of in the background during a more instrumental/solo portion of the song. Kind of a drawn out, deep, background voice going "Three ... two ..." or whatever. Get what I mean at all? Maybe let us know how you were planning on doing the countdowns.


Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. It was going to be done in a deep, almost creepy robotic voice between the verses. I'm thinking now, though, if I should write something, like a chorus/bridge, for it to be said behind in between the verses instead.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
I'm not sure. Maybe some sort of bridge in between the first two verses but for the other twos I think solos would be neat. I guess thats going on the assumption that this is like .. rock or metal. Not really sure why I'm making that assumption though. If it's more of an acoustic/slow piece then it might be nice to have a chorus like you mentioned for both countdowns. If you do that I'd keep it simple though.
#8
Quote by Herr Jones
I'm not sure. Maybe some sort of bridge in between the first two verses but for the other twos I think solos would be neat. I guess thats going on the assumption that this is like .. rock or metal. Not really sure why I'm making that assumption though. If it's more of an acoustic/slow piece then it might be nice to have a chorus like you mentioned for both countdowns. If you do that I'd keep it simple though.


Solo? Maybe... this is aimed to be like pop-rock song, so that would work. I don't know, I'll toy with the idea and see what I come up with. Thanks, man.

Anyone else?
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#9
I sung it through in my head (how I would sing them if they were mine) and it came through sort of pop-punky (sort of early Blink 182.)

The other way I interpreted them was as an acoustic song but the final 'Three, Two, One' slowing down and distorting and then bursting into a huge sounding instrumental if you get what I mean? Like into a big sounding solo with pounding drums behind it but only for a short amount of time, only 8 bars maybe to illustrate the explosion or you walking onto the land mine?

I'm not too sure about 'gun powder', it doesn't make as much sense as the rest of the song (I don't think you need it to set a land mine?) but then I can't think of what a better rhyme would be ('stewing in her anger' is the only thing that comes to mind but it's not that great)

Thanks a lot for your crit on mine, I hope this matches it
#10
hmmm, The verse's are very solid, Strong and hit on what they need to.

The counting is great as to change of pace. I think maybe changing it, such as 10 9 8 7 6 5 3 2 1, As you already have nine numbers, Write a drum lift, (drums and vocals, used to power the next verse by resolving the action of the previous verse, while creating tension for the resolve at the final countdown, Do it at number 5 for a cool effect. maybe use a flanger.)

I think that would make the song flow better, and be abit more catchy, as drum lifts are popular in this style music, also crating a kind of hook. which is what the vocals should be at the lift. something catchy, that snags the listener.

If you would like to check mine out , here it is: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526904

It is called "... And Peace Shall Sleep."

let me know what you think, I am proud of it, If you like it, I have a couple other pieces as well.

Thanks, Deluster
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#11
I actually like the way the counting contributes to the song alot. But the song is a little vague, is it actually about a person, or is it political, etc.?

But as I said before, I think the counting is very fitting, especially if it's pop-punk, like you said. And it's probably just because I don't know the melody, but the verses seem like they need to be smoothed over a little bit. I'll give you an example, and you can tell me if I just have the melody wrong. I think the first verse would flow better if it was something like:

She's a ticking time bomb
That's lost it's detonator
But she'll find some more time
And a brand new fuse for later

Like I said, I probably just have the melody wrong in my head, but I thought I'd make sure.

Thanks in advance for checking out mine.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530457
Last edited by 1fine69 at Feb 21, 2007,
#12
Yeah, I like your revisions, but they just don't go with what's in my head. Thanks for the input, though.

I'd be glad to take a look at yours.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#14
Alrighty then... thanks, man. I hate to a bitch, but could you please tell what you liked? Or at least give me a little more than that? I gave you alot, just want a little in return.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#15
The counting i liked an yet didnt iked..for some reason certain wave patterns for the two three, two three. would be good for a certain way u kno?. But im sure u make it fit, since its ur song lol. Anyways, now i noticed theres no chorus , but thats kool. the opening was confusin cause u put, She's a ticking time bomb,
with no detonater.
But she'll find some time,
a new fuse for later.
the but she'll find some time a new fust for later. maybe its just me lol
Anyways, the rest of that is good
We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

Strike a match and watch her blow.
Isn't it strange?
We're set to go, radioactive glow,
blasting out of range.
Intresting, not bad, but the radioactive glow kinda was like..hmm lol
But still its nice.I like the blue print part, more cunnin, an then the strike a match
that was kool.

Sitting ducks are just ploys,
with dangerous designs.
And then...
we found her, with gun powder,
setting the land mine.
Ploys?? lol sry i dont kno that word. But this one is pretty solid
I like it prob the best.
Well besides all that, i think the song is pretty kool! i think u could tweak a few
lines tho. And im not raelly sure wat to say about the counting..i think it could work tho!!
Anyways out of ten id say....6.9, hope i didnt offend
good work!
#16
Nah, I'm not offended. Don't worry about it.

Okay, I get what you're saying about the first verse. I'm currently working on that. A ploy is a strategy or maneuver used in a game or warfare, just so you know. I agree, I love the last verse the best as well.

Which song in your sig would you like me look at for you? I'll get right on it after you respond.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#18
Alrighty, I'll get right on that. Thanks again.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#19
well, I made my changes to the song, I used some of your crit and i think that it is more powerful now, Check it out!

Do you have anything else I can look at?
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#20
Not right now.... I'm sure I will soon however. Just keep a lookout for something to pop up.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#21
I thought it was good, and I don't like pop-punk at all. The counting was a cool little "spice" that brought the song up a notch, IMO. However, take this good or bad, it reminded me of frantic by Metallica. I liked the flow of it, and the way it just went together. Good job. 8/10 IMO. When you get the chance, could you crit mine (check sig)
Thanks
#22
Quote by nerk13
She's a ticking time bomb,
with no detonater.
But she'll find some time,
a new fuse for later.

Three.

Two.

We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

this is an average start, the rhyme of all and fall is a little predictable and bland but still not bad.

Strike a match and watch her blow.
Isn't it strange?
We're set to go, radioactive glow,
blasting out of range.

i like this part the most i think, nice internal rhyme here and you set up the rest of the piece nicely

Three

Two

Three

Two

Sitting ducks are just ploys,
with dangerous designs.
And then...
we found her, with gun powder,
setting the land mine.

im kind of indifferent to the counting but since its essential to the piece it obviously should be in here. you seem to abruptly change subjects here without really connecting them unless you are setting up a metaphor between 'sitting ducks, ploys' and the girl, if so then nice, if not i would try to connect the two.

Three

Two

One

good enough ending, it definitely finalizes the piece

Tell me what you think. Any and all crits are appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Just leave a link. (If it's in your sig, please specify which one you would like looked like.) Thanks.


overall there was nothing amazing about this but it was pretty solid through out, just lacking any real substance. nice read though 6.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530278
if you have time all you really have to say is if you like it or no i dont need a big crit
#23
Quote by nerk13
She's a ticking time bomb,
with no detonater.
But she'll find some time,
a new fuse for later.

i liked it its really cool and expressive


Three.

Two.

i dont like the counting over here


We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

Strike a match and watch her blow.
Isn't it strange?
We're set to go,
radioactive glow,
blasting out of range.

i liked bolded one alot


Three

Two

Three

Two

i dont like the counting over here



Sitting ducks are just ploys,
with dangerous designs.
And then...
we found her, with gun powder,
setting the land mine.


Three

Two

One


you know if its meant to be song vocalist can count like 3 2 1 then one good solo should come over here. here counting is perfect just imagine a video for it all the time clock is ticking backwards and as soon as vocalist counts 3 2 1(same as the clock) a big explosion people are running some are scared some needs help and all this time a guitar outro is being played



Tell me what you think. Any and all crits are appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Just leave a link. (If it's in your sig, please specify which one you would like looked like.) Thanks.


piece is really good . lines are really expressive . i hope you didnt mind the whole video thing but if you did i am srry for that but plz do imagine the video

crit any of my songs you want but dont be obliged
Hi
#24
We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

I thought that flowed really nicely, don't understand the moonshine bit but it still sounds mint.
I sung it with a taking back sunday feel to it, although it could sound good more punky
That was a rare post..

My band on:myspace facebook UG
Leeds '07 '08 '09!
I don't know the answer, or have anything funny to say, but dude that is one sweet Bulbasaur avatar
#26
Quote by nerk13
She's a ticking time bomb,
with no detonater.
But she'll find some time,
a new fuse for later.

Three.

Two.

We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

Strike a match and watch her blow.
Isn't it strange?
We're set to go, radioactive glow,
blasting out of range.

Three

Two

Three

Two

Sitting ducks are just ploys,
with dangerous designs.
And then...
we found her, with gun powder,
setting the land mine.

Three

Two

One


Tell me what you think. Any and all crits are appreciated. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Just leave a link. (If it's in your sig, please specify which one you would like looked like.) Thanks.



i really think this song has potential, i like the idea of a time bomb and the whole count down thing, the verses are okay, my favorite one is the third one, i loved how you used radioactive glow. Anyway theres really nothing bad with it, however i think you should change the way you lay out the count downs, you should change them a bit, like lets say start from 10, and after the first verse you go 10 9 8, then the next two verses and you go 7 6 5 4 and then the last verse and you end up with 3 2 1 and some kind of a heavy sound.
keep writing.
#27
Sounds good to me. I didn't like the counting at first, but I guess I can see its signifigance.

I'm really dense when it comes to other lyrics. What's your song about?


thanks for critiquing my song "10,000 Legions," and if you want, click the links below to read my other songs.... if they hadn't been deleted yet.
#29
Deth Toll- I'll take a look at them sure.

As for the meaning of the song, it's kinda personal, but I'll try my best. It's about someone who had the potential to completely destroy my life, but I thought she didn't know it. I planned to get rid of her, thus, I thought, get rid of the entire threat, but it turned out that in the end, she knew what power she had. What I had done came and bit me in the ass. So she basically had the upper hand the entire time and knew it as well, but she wasn't the entire problem. There were other people concerned.

Simply put: This song is about a fight I had with my best friend.

Lackofcolor - Damn, no one likes the counting. I'm starting to seriously question whether or not I should have it in there. Oh well, I like it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Feb 22, 2007,
#30
Me likey. As opposed to what some other people say, i find the counting quite effective. The alliteration, intentional or not, in the verses is fantastic. My only issue is the first verse seems to be of a lesser quality then the rest of it.

Crit for crit.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531634
#31
Nice job.
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#32
The "3, 2, 1" is theatrical but amazing, I really enjoy it. It adds some flavor but i think it'll be best done as long vocal notes in the background of some ambient kind of riff or something along those lines.

But all in all I love this song, and without the 3, 2, i think the song would just be "just another song" probably. The countdown adds to the suspense in a way, it's like "GODDD WHEN DOES IT GET TO ONE?!?!?!" I like it, keeps you wanting that one to pop up.

Nice work I LOVE YOUR STYLE!
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#33
Bmm386- Thanks, man. That's what I figured. That always happens to me, the verse I use to first springboard the entire song always ends up as the crappiest one. I'll definitely get to that today.

DriveshaftDan- Thanks.

NoSoupForDeath- God, thank you! Someone likes the counting, for the right reasons even. I'm glad you felt some sort of anticipation and tension build-up, that was the purpose of the counting. Thank you very much. Is there anything can look at for you?
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#34
yo just a quick sugestion......wats in bold is the suggestion..


She's a ticking time bomb,
with no detonater.
But she'll find some time,
a new fuse for later.

ten

nine

eight

We devised a dark blueprint,
more cunning each line.
She will fall, crushing them all,
into our moonshine.

Strike a match and watch her blow.
Isn't it strange?
We're set to go, radioactive glow,
blasting out of range.

seven

six

five

four

Sitting ducks are just ploys,
with dangerous designs.
And then...
we found her, with gun powder,
setting the land mine.

Three

Two

One



and yea, mabe jsut make it counting down through out it, so ur not repeating numbers.do wat u want tho
#35
Yeah, a few people have suggested that.... I don't know....
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep