#1
edit: added some punctuation but not a ton just cause i think it fu.cks with the flow and would prefer none at all except periods but this is easier to read. most of the punctuation is probably not even correctly placed but i just put it where i want maybe breaks or where i want it.

a marrow ocean II

marrow ocean

When the ship started sinking; we were there holding our
lunch boxes, skipping stones, talking about staying a float
and we didn't know why our tongue tied declarations came
out sounding like hot air balloons deflating, but someone
told us to stop shooting shit and get our bodies on deck.

So we commandeered the tugboat in the middle of a marrow
ocean anchored with empty bones tied to telephone poles
connecting the north and south dakotas but no one else in between.
Tin can telephones, wrinkled roots with no mouths just beaks
holding up the trees, steadfast and easy, you won't last trust me its freezing.
A petticoat dreams of stitched seams but all you've got is rags and
thread but no needles just limbs that you've forgotten how to use.
So you sit all day pretending life is a contest and that you're winning
but really you're just waiting
for someone to sweep you off your feet.

Duck your head before the drawbridge because we're drawing close
and the archers are shooting with bullets not arrows.
Hallelujah its easier said than done,
searching for salvation not seeking revenge is the best way to waste your life.
So come sit here with me and think about nothing before the
plane starts crashing or the
ship starts sinking or you waste anymore of your life alone.
Last edited by rushmore at Feb 27, 2007,
#4
I think it was quite good. I like the theme, The midevil thing is cool, I tried it in the song you critted.

I think it could use more punctuation, And the Lines broken at the right times. Also, You can try to paint the picture abit better. Make it seem more illustrated as this is supposed to be a detailed song.

With a little work this one would be great.
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#5
thanks a lot.
i never use punctuation when i first write a piece cause it usually jsut all comes out of me with no stops so im going to go back and add some now.
#6
I have to say, pretty impressive. The imagery is very nice and the style of the narration is very fitting.

One thing, though. I'm not sure if I really like the last line. I don't really think you should waste all of the previous stanzas and build-up on something (I hate to say it.) cliche as love. I don't know, I just really didn't see that coming... it seems like a copout.

Not to say I didn't like it. It's pretty great, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#7
Jesus Christ, I thought that was great.

The flow was almost perfect.


There was this feel that even when it didn't rhyme, it still seemed like it did. I don't know.

I might do a full crit later, because that was quite impressive.
Poor advice.
#8
haha, this was a wild ride!! i can't help but look at it as a sort of hip-hop piece. : )
you display a lot of the same tendencies as good hip-hop --- slant rhymes, switching up the rhymes to keep the reader/listener guessing and there was quite a bit of assonance too. i can't really see the whole picture though.. i'm getting this messy jumble of images. try to clean it up a bit, i think, and it'll be real cool.
#9
Alright, just like promised, I'll try to give you a decent crit. However, what I remember from my first read is that it was pretty amazing and that I liked all of it. So I'll try my best.

Quote by rushmore
edit: added some punctuation but not a ton just cause i think it fu.cks with the flow and would prefer none at all except periods but this is easier to read. most of the punctuation is probably not even correctly placed but i just put it where i want maybe breaks or where i want it.

marrow ocean

When the ship started sinking; we were there holding our lunch boxes,
skipping stones, talking about staying a float and
we didn't know why our tongue tied declarations came out sounding like hot air balloons deflating,
but someone told us to stop shooting shit
and get our bodies on deck.

I remember it flowing better before you broke it up. I don't know if the line breaks are well placed... Maybe just long lines with breaks at comas and stuff could do more justice to how it should be read. But then again it would make it's reading more complicated. I guess that's a decision you've got to take. Look up, this is how I'd break it up. So yeah. If I'd want to break it up, that's how I'd do it. I still prefer it all as a paragraph though.


So we commandeered the tugboat in the middle of a marrow
ocean anchored with empty bones tied to telephone poles
connecting the north and south dakotas but no one else in between.
Tin can telephones, wrinkled roots with no mouths just beaks
holding up the trees. Steadfast and easy, you won't last trust me its freezing.
A petticoat dreams of stitched seams but all you've got is rags and
thread but no needles just limbs that you've forgotten how to use.
So you sit all day pretending life is a contest and that you're winning
but really you're just waiting
for someone to sweep you off your feet.

My only complaint here : The third to last line. It's kinda cliché, which contrasts a hell of a lot with the rest of the whole stanza/paragraph. Maybe it's just clumsily phrased/worded. The whole telephone part is just amazing, the way you jump from an idea to another, saying things only halfway through until jumping to the next one. Leaves a lot of analysis and comprehension work to the reader, which I like to do a lot, so kudos on that. Plus, it sounded beautiful.

Duck your head before the drawbridge because we're drawing close
and the archers shooting with bullets not arrows.
Hallelujah its easier said than done,
searching for salvation not seeking revenge is the best way to waste your life.
So come sit here with me and think about nothing before the
plane starts crashing or the
ship starts sinking or you waste anymore of your life alone.

Mmmh there's an error with "archers" here, unless you mean just one archer. If not, you should add "are" after it. Line 4 here seems clumsily worded, again. Maybe replace "not" by "instead of" or something similar. I really love your ending. One thing bugs me though, your enumeration isn't right. You talk about a plane, or a ship, or "you", which doesn't fit. Fix that up and it will be a perfect ending. One way to do that would be to say "or before you waste anymore of(...)"


Alright

I've been picky, there ain't much I would change. This is an excellent piece, I beg you to post more often. I like the way you get to the point, while still using colorful and vivid imagery. As for the format of the writing, I think I preferred it when it was just 3 paragraphs. You needed either to clean them up or to had a little punctuation. not both, imo. It still works, but doesn't read as well .

Anyways,
I'll be checking more of your stuff if you are to post again
You can take a quick look at mine if you have spare time, although I doubt you are to like it. I could use constructive criticism , though. If not, it's alright .

so thanks for posting this up,

Later,
-Mathieu
#10
thanks to all of you, i think ive gotten to all of yours except stellar, ill get to yours tonight
#11
i saw a lot of brand new in that.

i don't know whether or not it was inspired or influenced by
brand new, but it seemed like it was, and not just because
of the whole sinking ship metaphor that you had throughout.

but. regardless of the fact that sinking ship metaphors
have been overdone so so so so much, this was great.
i don't even know why. nothing was incredibly original.
it just had... a quality, i guess, and even though the
sinking ship metaphor has been done so many times,
it seemed to all work so well here; almost giving off
an illusion of uniqueness, i suppose. so. great work.

it kind of reminds me of the kind of writing that
was posted in this forum a really long time ago.

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
^

My opinion.

Don't bother on getting back to me, I have none.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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#15
wow didnt expect this.
thanks a lot everyone and whoever nominated me for this

edit: groversman yeah the sinking ship thing has been done to death but its just about doing it in a way that no one has ever done before.

and i guess since brand new also has a song about a ship that sinks you can call that similar. (but so do a bunch of other bands) and they both mention the dakotas but in a totally different sense and it represents a totally different purpose. no brand new references at all, maybe coincedences
Last edited by rushmore at Feb 27, 2007,
#16
Congrats. Well deserved piece for SOTW. Really did have awesome flow to this, and I agree wit what Stellar said, even though it didn't rhym eit had this feeling like it did.

Nice Job