#1
This is my first post, and one of my first full length songs that i have written. Criticism is more than welcome. Although yes its more like a powm than a song, but i can fix it up, make it have structure and all lol.

_______________________________________________

How can I tell you?
That I love you.
I haven’t said those words.
In such a long time.

Do you love me too?
Will the right words spew?
Can you hear the birds?
Your heart I hope to climb.

Will you ever know?
What I just need to say?
I hope you don’t ever go.
And our friendship never stray.

It just needs to be said.
I hope you like me,
But would you love him instead?
I hope to god you agree.

Yes I hope to god you agree.

And if not,
Just let me be,
I’ll still like you a lot.
Oh I hope to god you agree.

You’re the first I’ll sing this to,
I hope no one else,
Cause I wrote it just for you,
Yeah I wrote it for no one else.

_______________________________________________

I am very aware that is it extrmemly cliche, or at least i think it is. And just in case you are wondering where i go the "Can you hear the birds" line, its because of the fact that the birds are chirping while the pause between the exchange of words. I hope that made sense to you all. Crit for Crit if you would like.
Last edited by YourMessiah666 at Feb 21, 2007,
#4
i made up a guitar part for it, and played it while singing what i thought to be a good melody for the lyrics, and though, this guitar part isn't permanent and probably won't even be used, i really enjoy the lyrics, however "cliche" they may be, and i don't say that about too many songs that start with "i love you" or something similar. the only thing that made me cringe was the line, "i'll still like you a lot". it doesn't flow with the rhythm, and it takes the emotion a bit back from "i love you", it'd still work with "I'll still love you", it gives more of an "i love what i love, not what loves me" message
#5
Ah awesome dude thanks a lot. Thank you for your honest opinion.
Last edited by YourMessiah666 at Feb 22, 2007,
#6
pretty good and ya i was going to add another verse or two just had to check how i was doing thatks
#7
No problem, I'm trying to give my opinion in more places to get more opinions on my songs, the one currently in my sig is closed though because I didn't read the FAQ and ended up breaking one of the rules.
#9
Quote by Mistress Alia
I have a hard time with the word "spew" in a love song, but other than that...rock on.


Lol yeah i know what you mean. But thanks for the honesty
#10
I like the last four lines a lot! sounds good.


Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at he ground and miss.

This world needs more Dallas Friday's!
#11
First off, thanks for the comment on my song "Trashing The Venue." I really appreciated that. Now, you have a very good thing going here. It could use some stuff here and there, but nothing big. If you every get tabs or music for it, throw it my way if you'd like. 4.5 out of 5 dude. Later bro.
#12
it's a cliche, but a very good one
i like it i like the line
" i hope to god you agree"
#14
Quote by pgfan92
the only thing that made me cringe was the line, "i'll still like you a lot". it doesn't flow with the rhythm, and it takes the emotion a bit back from "i love you", it'd still work with "I'll still love you", it gives more of an "i love what i love, not what loves me" message


unfortunately i completly agree with this statement because i really liked the poem but as he says, it takes away the emphasis on "i love you" which you begin ur poem with. maybe just fix that up like he suggested.
because of the 'i'll still like you a lot' it feels to me as if ur emotion goes backwards, which i dont know if thats a good way to construct a poem, shouldnt a poem be more of a progresion? as in u starts out liking alot, but slowly begins to love. thats just my opinion tho.

great work keep it up

if u have a chance plz crit my song

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=576998
#18
Nothing new to add, just that cliche works this time apparently, and I'm sure it wasn't your intent but I chuckled upon reading 'spew'. Nice work though.
"Shut up and play your guitar" - Frank Zappa

I go to 11.

My Guitar Heros
1. Dave Mustaine
2. Marty Friedman
3. Dimebag
4. Chuck Schuldiner
5. Zakk Wylde
6. Tom Petty
7. Frank Zappa
8. Pete Townshend
9. Steve Vai
10. Nigel Tuffnel
#19
yeah i was stuck for a word that rhymed with you, now that i am more of a mature writer, i have changed it, but i havnt edited this version, someday soon i have to add the newest version and delete this version. So then i can see what everybody thinks of the aqctual version lol. Thanks for the crits.
#20
I like it alot, it really is quality writing, however the word "spew" at the end of line 6 kind of took away from the romantic theme of the song, in my opinion
#22
I love how you respond to crit just to bump every single one of your pieces.
Vocal Chords.
Bass Guitar.
Band:
Galleries

Quote by EvilMonkeySG3
^+1

Quote by Wratheh
Damnit! Oh well, +1 anyway.
#23
Do you love me too?
Will the right words spew?


How about.....

Do yo love me too?
Will the right words do?


just a thought.........
Full moon is rising
The sky is black
I need your call i'm coming back
The road is straight cast
Wind's in my eyes
The engine roars between my thighs
#24
Quote by NotTheSun3290
I love how you respond to crit just to bump every single one of your pieces.


Would you rather me individually PM every person who crits my pieces. And give them a little short note. It's much easier in my opinion to just respond on my piece of work than send a PM. And half of the people on this site have too many PMs already so that i cant send them one until they clean out their box.
And thanks for the crit
#25
Either way... I liked this one. But it's the only one I read because you had 7 in bold on the first page with you as the last poster. But whatever, everything's cool. Nice writing.
Vocal Chords.
Bass Guitar.
Band:
Galleries

Quote by EvilMonkeySG3
^+1

Quote by Wratheh
Damnit! Oh well, +1 anyway.
#27
hey, ya it's sweet! and even though it's a bit cliche it kinda works! :p but i do have to agree with the spew thing, it doesn't work all that much! nice job man!
If every simple song i wrote
would take your breath away
i'd write it all