#1
Wrote this somewhat quickly. I don't know yet if I'll revise it, but comments are definitely appreciated. Sorry if some parts are not top notch, but I just really needed to get this out.
--------------
How I got through lithosphere

I had never experienced a plane crash before.
I quite liked the parachute part,
Where there ain't much to do but to
Fall down
and down
and
down.
Until you finally hit solid ground.

But the moments before that were...sad pictures.
Like a baby dropped from his parental pedestal,
Between seats S2 and S3.
Like a little girl choking from laughing hard
that just drops dead.
Like an epileptic fakir that gets to the climax of a crisis
on top of meditation, or
Like any other thing she'd do or say as a joke
But that takes catastrophic proportions.

And all of those were caused, they explained to me,
By a violent shock, an encounter
In between winds, something about hot and cold fronts,
A sudden change of altitude, depressurization.

And in between tremors I held
Onto the blood clots floating in her spinal fluid,
While I kept on deciphering
The horrified looks, the lack of capability
That they all had to take their life in their own hands.

And so fused the Hail Mary's and the thoughts to loved ones
Debts unpaid, friends unthanked, wives unloved,
Banalities movies told them to think about
When their time has come, or
All those sayings they'd read many times
But didn't bother to apply, something stuck in
Their collective unconscious.
They were not
conscious.

Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do.

And so I was looking at all of the victims' faces,
Their curriculum vitae's.
And couldn't help but to think that
They all deserved to die.

So I took my life in my own hands.
Made a parachute out of it.
And decided to start a new life
Right where I would land.
And so I don't know what happened
of the other people in the flight,
or even how this story ends.

But you
know pretty much all you need to,
So here,
without further questions,
about what I want or if I can,
Just let me reach out and
take your hand.

So I haven't come this far just to be lost again.
Last edited by circular.parade at Feb 21, 2007,
#2
Damn good, but a few things.

Cut 'disproprtional'.

3rd paragraph; could be changed into a few short sentences about turbulance. All the technical words take away.

Wives.

But otherwise, awesome.
#3
Quote by 2113

Wives.


aw, lol, thanks.

And as for Stanza 3, I see what you mean, but it does have a big meaning (use of technical words...) in the piece. So for now I won't move em. But thanks a whole lot for your thoughts.
#4
I had never experienced a plane crash before.
I quite liked the parachute part,
The one where you can't do much
The one doesn't sound like the right kind of reference you would be expecting after reading the second line. The second line gives that 'part' a name, almost like a proper noun, if you know what I mean. And then, the third line is a dependent adjective clause which is generally intened to specify and tell you which one exactly, which is already done for you because of the use of 'parachute'. If that makes any sense to you... (Probably not, I'm not great with words.)

But fall down
and down
and
down.
Like how you broke this up for effect. Very dramatic.
Until you finally hit solid ground.

But the moments before that were...sad pictures.
Like a baby dropped from his parental pedestal,
in between seats S2 and S3.
This line sounds better to me without 'in' at the beginning.
Like this chick choking from laughing and dropping dead.
This line throws me off, in the previous line you have a baby, just a baby with a non-specific article. But then here, the reader senses that there is a parallel structure going, but then all of sudden there's this chick, not a chick, but this chick.
Another thing here, the two -ing words right next to each other sounds a bit odd. Maybe you could use, "This chick choking from her laughter and dropping dead." But then you may want it so it's "laughing and dropping dead"...hmm.... I don't know. Whatever you think goes best there.
Like an epileptic fakir.
See here you go back to the non-specific, non-demonstrative 'an'.
Like any thing you'd do as a joke but that takes
'Use' instead of 'do'... maybe...?
Disproportional and catastrophic proportions.
I love this line.
And all of those were caused, they explained it to me
By a violent shock, an encounter
In between winds, something about hot and cold fronts,
A sudden change of altitude, depressurization.

And in between tremors I was holding
Onto the blood clots floating in her spinal fluid,
While keeping on deciphering
-ing words right after another again. It disrupts the flow slightly.
The horrified looks, the lack of capability
That they all had to take their life in their own hands.

And so fused the Hail Mary's and the thoughts to loved ones
Debts unpaid, friends unthanked, wives unloved,
Things movies told them to think about
More specific word than 'things' would really make this line a lot better and give it the weight it deserves.
When their time has come, or
All those sayings they'd read many times
But didn't bother to apply, something stuck in
The collective unconscious.
They were not
conscious.

Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do.

And so I was looking at all of the victims' faces,
Their curriculum vitae's.
And couldn't help but to think that
They all deserved to die.

So I took my life in my own hands.
Made a parachute out of it.
And decided to start a new life
Right where I would land.
And so I don't know what happened
of the other people in the flight,
or how this story ends.

But you,
know pretty much all you need to,
'Pretty much' doesn't really fit the tone of the rest of the verse to me right here. Could just be me though.
So here,
without further questions,
about what I want or if I can,
Just reach out and take
my hand.

Overall, I love this. It's fcking amazing, man. Other than the few things I pointed out, this is perfect. You have talent, my friend.

BTW, thanks for the crit on mine. It was the wrong one, which is why it's closed now (People kept critting the wrong, uncompleted version), but thanks anyways.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
woo. okay. here we go.

I had never experienced a plane crash before.
I quite liked the parachute part,
The one where you can't do much
But fall down
and down
and
down.
Until you finally hit solid ground.
everything is all cool in this stanza.
i like the way you kind of talk about
the plane crash like you're completely
detached from the situation here.
it reminds me of a lot of books that
i've read and very much enjoyed.
so. everything's cool in this stanza.


But the moments before that were...sad pictures.
Like a baby dropped from his parental pedestal,
in between seats S2 and S3.
Like this chick choking from laughing and dropping dead.
Like an epileptic fakir.
Like any thing you'd do as a joke but that takes
Disproportional and catastrophic proportions.
okay. here's where i start to have problems.
"parental pedestal" completely throws off the flow.
i understand that you're trying to say it without
directly stating it, but i think it kind of backfires.
second, i don't think that's how plane seats work?
like. just. i think it's number first, then letter. but.
like. the letters are the seats horizontally, and
i don't think that many airplanes are that wide.
if they were, it'd be a bitch to have a middle seat
anyways. other than that, the only other problem
that i have with this is "chick". it just seems. kind of.
out of place i guess? it just sounds awkward there.
BUT. other than that, i have no complaints. good job.


And all of those were caused, they explained it to me
By a violent shock, an encounter
In between winds, something about hot and cold fronts,
A sudden change of altitude, depressurization.
you need a comma at the end of the first line.
i also think you should get rid of "it" in line one.


And in between tremors I was holding
Onto the blood clots floating in her spinal fluid,
While keeping on deciphering
The horrified looks, the lack of capability
That they all had to take their life in their own hands.
the second line here is just kind of disgusting
i don't really like it. it's a HUGE change in mood.
it goes from pleasantly detached to really violent.
it just seems too gruesome and out of place here?
also. "keeping on deciphering" doesn't work at all.
i don't know what to say instead, but please change
it to something it just sounds SO incredibly awkward.
i don't know if it's grammatically correct, but every time
i read it, it screams "FIX ME I'M WORDED AWKWARDLY."
so. uh. yeah. i think you should really fix that little bit.
also, i don't get the link between "capability" and the
last line. maybe i'm just tired and stupid. but. it just
doesn't seem to have any connection to me right now.
i wasn't really a fan of this stanza. but on to the next one!


And so fused the Hail Mary's and the thoughts to loved ones
Debts unpaid, friends unthanked, wives unloved,
Things movies told them to think about
When their time has come, or
All those sayings they'd read many times
But didn't bother to apply, something stuck in
The collective unconscious.
They were not
conscious.
i loved this stanza. my only qualm is with
the last couple of lines. just the phrasing. well.
not even really that. just. i think you should say
"their" instead of "the" in the third last line here.
it comes off the tongue better, in my head at least.
and. i think you should say "they were unconscious".
it would emphasize "unconscious" more with repetition.
i also just think it would sound better. but. your choice.
this was a great stanza though. i'm just being nitpicky.


Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do.
nice nice nice. i really like this little bit.

And so I was looking at all of the victims' faces,
Their curriculum vitae's.
And couldn't help but to think that
They all deserved to die.
i had to look up "curriculum vitae" cause i really didn't
know what it was you were trying to say and i thought
maybe you could have something better instead of that.
but after i looked it up, i realized that it really works there.
but i think you should get rid of the "to" in the third line.
other than those little things, i liked this stanza overall.


So I took my life in my own hands.
Made a parachute out of it.
And decided to start a new life
Right where I would land.
And so I don't know what happened
of the other people in the flight,
or how this story ends.
this is a pretty good little stanza. i like it.

But you,
know pretty much all you need to,
So here,
without further questions,
about what I want or if I can,
Just reach out and take
my hand.
i think you should get rid of the first comma
and the comma at the end of the fourth line.
the line breaks serve as enough of a pause.
i don't think you need the commas as well,
especially because if you had that written out
without the line breaks, it wouldn't work at all.
other than the commas, my only other complaint
is that i think you should have just ONE more line.
just at the end. just to wrap the whole thing up.
not that this isn't a good ending... it's just that
i think you could have an even better ending.



okay. that was a HUGE crit. it makes it seem like
i really didn't like it at all. but. i did. it was good.
i didn't love it. but i did quite like it. however,
there were a couple of stanzas that really stood
out as being a lot better than the rest. so. good job.
i did like it. but there were a lot of little things that
i thought could use a change. just fix them, and i think
you'll have a much better piece. so. yes. that took a while.

but good job, mathieu.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
Thankkksss a LOT to Kyle and Nerk. Just made several changes. Since that was kind of an OTS...there were quite a few mistakes. You guys really helped. Kyle, I don't care much about planes, actually S2 and S3 do have a precise meaning of their own, a personal one at least...so I guess I'll keep it for now.

but yeah, muchos gracias, really.

IamSoren, thanks for the kind words .

I'd like more on this...I'll return comments/crits, don't worry.


edit : kyle i know its a sucky ending line but ill wait till I find a better one. thanks for the suggestion.
Last edited by circular.parade at Feb 21, 2007,
#8
Just wondering, did you get what I meant concerning the lines about 'this chick' and the 'parachute part'? I was kinda worried about whether or not any of that was coherent.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#9
Yes, the parachute I got it. It did make sense. As for the chick part, it just didn't fit so I didn't bother much about why you asked me to get rid of it

Edit : oh, wait, yes, I got it. in short, we could compare this bit of the stanza with a huge enumeration. And. All the objects in it weren't all of the same sort. (sorry I've never had grammar in English, so my grammar vocabulary is pretty poor)
#10
I really liked the beginning and the end, the middle part seemed okay at first glance, I'll give this a crit tommorow, probably during info. (computer class)

Edit: After reading it a few more times I've come to love the metaphor, the meaning I got out of it (and I might change this when I give it a crit) is the character taking control of their life, but that's probably to simple, I'll read it a lot more tommorow and give this a crit, cause I kinda rushed through it.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 21, 2007,
#11
Quote by stratkat


Edit: After reading it a few more times I've come to love the metaphor, the meaning I got out of it (and I might change this when I give it a crit) is the character taking control of their life, but that's probably to simple, I'll read it a lot more tommorow and give this a crit, cause I kinda rushed through it.


Not too far. It's about something specific though. For me it's obvious (duh), but I think I gave enough clues away for people to guess what it's about.
#12
Quote by circular.parade
Wrote this somewhat quickly. I don't know yet if I'll revise it, but comments are definitely appreciated. Sorry if some parts are not top notch, but I just really needed to get this out.
--------------
How I got through lithosphere

I had never experienced a plane crash before.
I quite liked the parachute part,
Where there ain't much to do but to
Fall down
and down
and
down.
Until you finally hit solid ground.

i really like this, i like how you give the reader the actual idea of falling by repeating down and the way you structured it, very nice. the last line is a nice follow up to the prior ones but it lacks any real substance, still it fits.

But the moments before that were...sad pictures.
Like a baby dropped from his parental pedestal,
Between seats S2 and S3.
Like a little girl choking from laughing hard
that just drops dead.
Like an epileptic fakir that gets to the climax of a crisis
on top of meditation, or
Like any other thing she'd do or say as a joke
But that takes catastrophic proportions.

first off before praising you for this stanza, my only complaint is lines 4/5 are pretty blunt and straightfoward and i think that takes a way a bit from this stanza. otherwise line 6 and beyond are ****ing amazing, specially the epileptic fakir part, i wish i would have wrote that.

And all of those were caused, they explained to me,
By a violent shock, an encounter
In between winds, something about hot and cold fronts,
A sudden change of altitude, depressurization.

i like this, nothing amazing but its most likely essential to the story, i havent read it all the way through yet. but i really like the 3rd/4th lines

And in between tremors I held
Onto the blood clots floating in her spinal fluid,
While I kept on deciphering
The horrified looks, the lack of capability
That they all had to take their life in their own hands.

i liked the 1st/2nd line up til the spinal fluid part, i think if you can change that to something idfferent i would really love the 2nd line. the rest is also good up til the last line, it is kind of straight forward and cliche.

And so fused the Hail Mary's and the thoughts to loved ones
Debts unpaid, friends unthanked, wives unloved,
Banalities movies told them to think about
When their time has come, or
All those sayings they'd read many times
But didn't bother to apply, something stuck in
Their collective unconscious.
They were not
conscious.

i give this part a 10/10 for sure, beautiful

Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do.

very nice, nothing to say here

And so I was looking at all of the victims' faces,
Their curriculum vitae's.
And couldn't help but to think that
They all deserved to die.

i like the change of attitude here, not sure what vitae's are, but i liked this

So I took my life in my own hands.
Made a parachute out of it.
And decided to start a new life
Right where I would land.
And so I don't know what happened
of the other people in the flight,
or even how this story ends.

i can see you are wrapping it up but i think this was too broad and was summed up without capturing the emotions you were going through earlier in the piece, thats the only thing i would add to this.

But you
know pretty much all you need to,
So here,
without further questions,
about what I want or if I can,
Just let me reach out and
take your hand.

So I haven't come this far just to be lost again.

i loved this ending, especially the last line


overall i loved this piece, especially the story line. there are few things i think you can touch up, even if you dont this is one of the more solid pieces ive read on ug. 9/10
#13
Thank you VERY much , I appreciate the words. I'll definitely look onto those suggestions, you make strong points .

I'm seriously glad you critted this. Let me know when you post another piece up, alright?

Also, PLEASE CRIT THIS PIECE NOT THE OTHER ONE. IT'S OLD. thanks .
#15
How I got through lithosphere

I had never experienced a plane crash before.
I quite liked the parachute part,
Where there ain't much to do but to
I'm not sure how much i like that "ain't" stuck in there. For me doesn't work, should just be isn't, as this keeps to the tone of this opener. imo anyway.
Fall down
and down
and
down.
Until you finally hit solid ground.
Good but predictable imo.

But the moments before that were...sad pictures.
I think you could improve on "sad pictures".
Like a baby dropped from his parental pedestal,
parental pedastal- hate that lol imo I dislike it.
Between seats S2 and S3.
Like a little girl choking from laughing hard
this line I feel is worded awkwardly, I dunno it's just how I read it. The g or girl and then the ing-s, for me was awkward.
that just drops dead.
Like an epileptic fakir that gets to the climax of a crisis
on top of meditation, or
Like any other thing she'd do or say as a joke
But that takes catastrophic proportions.
this last line here- I get the meaning, but I think the execution wasn't great. I don't like the phrase- but that takes- for me seems clumsy wording.

And all of those were caused, they explained to me,
I would like some specification of "they"
By a violent shock, an encounter
In between winds, something about hot and cold fronts,
The "something" here I feel is to colloquial in this tightly worded piece- same problem as with ain't earlier.
A sudden change of altitude, depressurization.
See, "something" doesn't fit the tone when in the next line you say this imo

And in between tremors I held
Too soon after the last in between in the last stanza.
Onto the blood clots floating in her spinal fluid,
Woo. Good imagery.
While I kept on deciphering
The horrified looks, the lack of capability
That they all had to take their life in their own hands.
I dislike this last line, again I feel it's slightly awkward.

And so fused the Hail Mary's and the thoughts to loved ones
Nice.
Debts unpaid, friends unthanked, wives unloved,
Again, love this.
Banalities movies told them to think about
When their time has come, or
All those sayings they'd read many times
But didn't bother to apply, something stuck in

Their collective unconscious.
They were not
conscious.
The bolded bit here I just feel lacks great flow, I feel the flow falls apart a bit in this stanza. Lovely ending here though.

Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do.
Hate th eline break here. Good though

And so I was looking at all of the victims' faces,
Their curriculum vitae's.
And couldn't help but to think that
They all deserved to die.
Best stanza so far imo. Short and snappy.

So I took my life in my own hands.
Made a parachute out of it.
Agh this seems to be tying things together now, so to speak.
And decided to start a new life
Right where I would land.
And so I don't know what happened
of the other people in the flight,
or even how this story ends.

But you
know pretty much all you need to,
So here,
without further questions,
about what I want or if I can,
this line again I dislike how you'v worded it.
Just let me reach out and
take your hand.

So I haven't come this far just to be lost again.

From the unconscious part through to the end I thought it was brilliant, great writing. Tied up the whole piece and was by far the most interesting parts of the piece.

Good to meet you. I'm Jamie
#16
I had never experienced a plane crash before.
I quite liked the parachute part,
Where there ain't much to do but to
Fall down
and down
and
down.
Until you finally hit solid ground.
hm, nice so far, i like the down,ground rhyming

But the moments before that were...sad pictures.wording doesnt make sense to me
Like a baby dropped from his parental pedestal,
Between seats S2 and S3.
Like a little girl choking from laughing hard
that just drops dead.seems effective, but blunt
Like an epileptic fakir that gets to the climax of a crisis
on top of meditation, or
Like any other thing she'd do or say as a joke
But that takes catastrophic proportions.
last 4 lines i didnt understand, and therefor sounded a bit wierd

And all of those were caused, they explained to me,
By a violent shock, an encounter
In between winds, something about hot and cold fronts,
A sudden change of altitude, depressurization.
i would cut out the part with cold and hot fronts, or make it shorter

And in between tremors I held
Onto the blood clots floating in her spinal fluid,
While I kept on deciphering
The horrified looks, the lack of capability
That they all had to take their life in their own hands.

And so fused the Hail Mary's and the thoughts to loved ones
Debts unpaid, friends unthanked, wives unloved,
Banalities movies told them to think about
When their time has come, or
All those sayings they'd read many times
But didn't bother to apply, something stuck in
Their collective unconscious.
They were not
conscious.
lines 3-6 seemed a bit wierd to me again, like it was going on and on, but its probly just me

Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do.
nice, love it

And so I was looking at all of the victims' faces,
Their curriculum vitae's.i think its vita's. mabe not
And couldn't help but to think that
They all deserved to die.

So I took my life in my own hands.
Made a parachute out of it.like these 2 lines alot
And decided to start a new life
Right where I would land.
And so I don't know what happened
of the other people in the flight,
or even how this story ends.
prbly my favorite verse

But you
know pretty much all you need to,
So here,
without further questions,
about what I want or if I can,
Just let me reach out and
take your hand.

So I haven't come this far just to be lost againi would cut out the 'so'


well wen ur right, ur right, this was long. but i like the topic, and some lines u had in
here, really make it awsome. but everynow and then it seemed gonig on and on, but probley cuz some words i didnt understand.

thx for criting mine,keep up ur writing
#17
"Oh, how easy they were to read through.
It's one of those pretty things catastrophes
would do."

Very clever.

Overall, genius. Pretty much wish-I-wrote-it kind of genius.

Only thing, I'm gonna have to side with the 07-er, cut the "so" in the last line.

How's that for faulting .
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
hey mat.

you can give me a sweet crit now
i have a new piece up that's long-ish!
or at least for my usual short standards.

SO RETURN MY SUPER AWESOME CRIT.

I just want to sleep forever.