#1
third in the series.

First- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=520761
second- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527602

Feel I'm slowly going places with this.

Critique for critique, I always return

Enjoy


#3

The first steps of a newborn
are always the easiest-
a natural event, poured
from past glasses of blood.
Taken slowly, they can prove
to become a hyperbole of
excitement, with blinding
flashes and mouths aghast.
But too quick a pace
and a trip over the invisible
is inevitable.


I waited to watch the shoreline
and plan the path ahead-
meticulously dividing the sands
into segments.

The first paces lead me across
the prickly grounds, the heat
growing as the sun centres itself.
Sweat keeps me moving
towards the sound of dripping wine.

I create a thought-
treading on an Island
that no-one is aware of, I realise that
not even my own eyes have seen
how the coast curves.

It's all unmapped;
so I take out my pen
and sketch this first shore.

It dips and it dives and it sinks
into small slides that I can caress
onto the clean canvas.
This landscape talks to me
about it's peaceful ways;
the calm, the light wind
that never makes it too cold.

I ask why it broadcasts no drama-
why the birds sing in tune,
why the sun beats in time
and how the overhangs
present no danger to the
brittlest of bones.

Answering me with cuteness,
the waves subtly manouevre the sands
into mountains, plains, and pathways.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 21, 2007,
#2
alright man, here goes.. I'm not sure if the bold text will show up as such, but we'll see.

#3

The first steps of a newborn
are always the easiest-
a natural event, poured
from past glasses of blood.
great couplet at the beginning, it's the opposite of what most people believe (the first step is the hardest to take). i love when writers make unexpected claims and then back them up. i can't really get into the "past glasses of blood" part- what are you trying to say?
Taken slowly, they can prove
to become a hyperbole of
excitement, with blinding
flashes and mouths aghast.
excellent imagery, i see a whirl of activity, the newborn taking it's first steps, uncles and aunts, camera flashes- without you actually saying "camera" or "relatives." I dig it.
But too quick a pace
and a trip over the invisible
is inevitable.

I waited to watch the shoreline
and plan the path ahead-
meticulously dividing the sands
into segments.
at this point, i wasn't sure what role you were playing in the story- newborn? parent? I feel like the speaker is planning milestones, i'm not sure i understand..

The first paces lead me across
the prickly grounds, the heat
growing as the sun centres itself.
Sweat keeps me moving
towards the sound of dripping wine.
again, good imagery, effective language- "prickly grounds." "dripping wine" presents a problem for me though.. it brings me back to the first stanza but I didn't understand the metaphor there either. oh, and you clear up the uncertainty about the point of view.

I create a thought-
treading on an Island
that no-one is aware of, I realise that
not even my own eyes have seen
how the coast curves.

It's all unmapped;
so I take out my pen
and sketch this first shore.

It dips and it dives and it sinks
into small slides that I can caress
onto the clean canvas.
This landscape talks to me
about it's peaceful ways;
the calm, the light wind
that never makes it too cold.
cool cool, i like the painting imagery, but i'm having a hard time connecting this stanza with the entire beginning.. "slides" might not be the best word choice, though it does have this "eye" sound in common with "dive" in the first line. also, you took out a pen.. to write on canvas? i think paints would be more appropriate, you could add some color

I ask why it broadcasts no drama-
why the birds sing in tune,
why the sun beats in time
and how the overhangs
present no danger to the
brittlest of bones.
"the sun beats in time" is a good line. i simply don't get the last 3 lines. i need some explanation, which usually means you're not being clear enough

Answering me with cuteness,
the waves subtly manouevre the sands
into mountains, plains, and pathways.
good ending, "pathways" was the perfect word to end with. i don't like "cuteness".. i don't think it works unless you tie it in to something else


Overall, this is a good effort, i enjoyed it- you used some great imagery and painted a scene for me to follow. Unfortunately there was a lot I didn't understand, and a lot that begs for clarification. Hope this helps!!

peace and respect -edgar
#3
The first steps of a newborn
are always the easiest-
a natural event, poured
from past glasses of blood.
Taken slowly, they can prove
to become a hyperbole of
excitement, with blinding
flashes and mouths aghast.
But too quick a pace
and a trip over the invisible
is inevitable.

Good metaphor, and as the person above me said it does have some good imagery. I thought this was a great way to start the peice.

I waited to watch the shoreline
and plan the path ahead-
meticulously dividing the sands
into segments.

This is my favorite stanza in the piece, especially the last two lines.

The first paces lead me across
the prickly grounds, the heat
growing as the sun centres itself.
Sweat keeps me moving
towards the sound of dripping wine.

This stanza was good, I don't have any problems with it, but to me it didn't add a whole lot to the piece.

I create a thought-
treading on an Island
that no-one is aware of, I realise that
not even my own eyes have seen
how the coast curves.

This was okay, I love the first three lines but the last 2 kinda ruined the effect the first 3 lines had on me.

It's all unmapped;
so I take out my pen
and sketch this first shore.

It dips and it dives and it sinks
into small slides that I can caress
onto the clean canvas.
This landscape talks to me
about it's peaceful ways;
the calm, the light wind
that never makes it too cold.

I thought the last half sounded a little weird, I'd take off the last two lines, but that's just me.

I ask why it broadcasts no drama-
why the birds sing in tune,
why the sun beats in time
and how the overhangs
present no danger to the
brittlest of bones.

This stanza's pretty good, I think the last line should be changed to something else, something stronger than brittlest of bone, maybe use something that better fits the theme, (if it has a theme, to me I get a kinda nature, ocean, landscape feeling from it) I just didn't feel like the last line was strong enough.

Answering me with cuteness,
the waves subtly manouevre the sands
into mountains, plains, and pathways.

Decent ending.

I got some meaning out of this, but it probably wasn't the one you were going for since I didn't care for some stanzas and didn't read that much into them, overall I thought this was pretty good, it just didn't appeal to me as much as some of your other pieces.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 21, 2007,
#4
^lol, kyle , was that really a crit?

Quote by Jammydude44
third in the series.

First- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=520761
second- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527602

Feel I'm slowly going places with this.

Critique for critique, I always return

Enjoy


#3

The first steps of a newborn
are always the easiest-
a natural event, poured
from past glasses of blood.
Taken slowly, they can prove
to become a hyperbole of
excitement, with blinding
flashes and mouths aghast.
But too quick a pace
and a trip over the invisible
is inevitable.


I have only one complaint here. The "excitement, with blinding" line seems to mess up the flow. Well, it depends on the way you read it, but separating the blinding flashes phrase just felt really awkward at first. Har...Nevermind, it works...I guess. Interesting alliteration at the end, also.


I waited to watch the shoreline
and plan the path ahead-
meticulously dividing the sands
into segments.

What did you wait for? I didn't get the use of "waited" here. Even though it sounds pretty nice . Obviously, you have some nice phrasing here.

The first paces lead me across
the prickly grounds, the heat
growing as the sun centres itself.
Sweat keeps me moving
towards the sound of dripping wine.

Shouldn't it be "centers" instead of "centres"? My only complaint in that stanza is that the two sentences you got here seem rather disconnected. Am I missing anything?

I create a thought-
treading on an Island
that no-one is aware of, I realise that
not even my own eyes have seen
how the coast curves.

Realize takes a z. Also, I find it weird, after being so self-centered (not saying this in a negative way), you suddenly phrased line 4 like this. "My own eyes have seen", why didn't you see? I can see why you would not want to use "I" here, but maybe finding something better could help that stanza.

It's all unmapped;
so I take out my pen
and sketch this first shore.

I like how you used a different word from "coast". Adds up variety. However, I guess you could find another word for shore, in order to paint a different and more vivid image. But it's not bad in any ways like it is now, though.

It dips and it dives and it sinks
into small slides that I can caress
onto the clean canvas.
This landscape talks to me
about it's peaceful ways;
the calm, the light wind
that never makes it too cold.

Your fourth line is powerful here, really well located in the stanza also. The fact that it's foundations are so solid makes up for the sub-par diction and simple wording compared to the rest of the piece. I mean it, it really does make up for it, so I wouldn't change much here.

I ask why it broadcasts no drama-
why the birds sing in tune,
why the sun beats in time
and how the overhangs
present no danger to the
brittlest of bones.

Broadcasts? I don't know. This stanza isn't as good as the other one, I see the attempt of alliteration at the end, that's trying to make up for it, but I'm not sure. Even though it's essential to the piece, this might be my less favorite stanza.


Answering me with cuteness,
the waves subtly manouevre the sands
into mountains, plains, and pathways.

Did you mean maneuver? If not, I've never seen that word. I'm not sure with "cuteness", doesn't seem to fit talking about water, waves, etc. Try something less related to humans? I like the ending here, it leaves us to plenty of possible trains of thoughts. Great job.


So yeah, I've been extremely picky it's almost ridiculous but that just means one thing : this piece was amazing.

.
-Mathieu
#5
"Cuteness"? hahahahaha.

Anyway, I'll go in-depth on this tomorrow/sometime. You don't want me to do it half-asleep. I don't see how these all fit together though. (Not in terms of imagery, but in terms of meaning. I don't feel like you're... sending out a strong message with these, and it's disappointing.)
#7
oringinally posted by circular.parade:
^lol, kyle , was that really a crit?

Yeah, I started to give a full crit, and half-way through it I realized there wasn't alot I could think of to say, but I didn't want to start over, I might edit some of it tommorow, and probably a few other crits I gave. I'll admit most of the time I suck at giving crits, sometimes I spend more time returning a crit than I did on writing the piece they crited, and it still comes out as a barely decent crit.

EDIT:Okay I edited my crit and made it a little better, but I still couldn't really think of anything very helpful to say.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 21, 2007,
#8
1st- thanks, helped more than you think

Kyle- cheers as always

cicr.para (for I don't really know you, I know of you ) thanks a lot, means alot that you called this amazing lol. Thoguh I think the spelling you pointed out are the British way of spelling it, not the yank way I'm fairly sure realised andcentres are acceptable. The wine line, whilst not spelling it out for anyone, hints ot me searching for something and also holds religious/spiritual connatatons. Broadcasts- there for a reason. Big reason, hopefully these pieces a sa whole will show why. Think the media I'll check up on manouvre lol, and I like cuteness Thanks alot, you'v ehelped a great deal, and I'll make sure I get back to your piece, which I have read several times

Ret- Looking forward to it. and this does have a meaning, in the big scale of things, I'm hoping to go pretty damn deep with this whole thing in the end.

thunder- thanks

Cheers all, much appreciated.
#9
Whoa...I just read all three and I personally loved every single one of them. Quite inspiring, really.

My only complaint is where you say:

"It's all unmapped;
so I take out my pen
and sketch this first shore."

I feel that saying "It's" should be changed to "It is".

I realize this isn't a crit and is actually just saying that I like your work, but I felt I would share that...aha, keep up the amazing work!
#10
Quote by Jammydude44

Thoguh I think the spelling you pointed out are the British way of spelling it, not the yank way I'm fairly sure realised and centres are acceptable.


Wow, you made my day. I'm french speaking and learned English mostly on these boards (I mean, more than just the basics of English), and always wished I'd learned more from the British way of dealing with spelling. It's actually a lot closer to the french speling most of the time, "realiser" in french is "realize/realise" and "centre" is actually the french spelling for "center" too.

Anyways, that's kind of a pointless post, but hey. I'll be off to work in less than half an hour but I'll try to read the first two parts of that piece before the weekend, so I get, overall, a better shot at the meaning and the message you were going for.
#11
Yeah, you'd do better learning from proper British speak rather than the tainted stuff from the other side of the ocean

Cheers, and thanks tsunoyakami, means alot
#12
haha although i am from usa, i have to agree with you. We are so stupid with our spelling and pronunciation and grammar in general... i dont know why we have to be different but oh well, i guess it just gradually changed over time from people doing it their own way... like the pres saying "nucular..." haha

anywaysss,

i love this series here. It's like everytime i think i start to get it, i find something new and a new possible meaning and it goes on. Your hints up there help clarify it but your symbolism is incredible. Thanks for writing this

Certain word choices make me think "oh i dont know how much i like that.." at first but then after a little while, it makes it that much more enjoyable. Basically, i find it very intriguing.

not much else to say at the moment

cool
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me