#1
Sorry, I don't have a name for this one, my band just kind of makes up random stupid names for our songs. It's kind of a harder alternative rock song if that helps you get the feel for it.
(It starts with a short instrumental intro which shifts into a chugging rhythm before going into these lines)

Rise to fight for life and new fire
Seek the heat, the beat that inspires
Roll the dice,the stakes are so dire
Hit the switch to shut down this liar.....

Chorus:
Life taking backstabber, flee now from me.....
(flee from me)
You're such a bad liar, I won't believe
(I won't believe)

(I'm having trouble figuring out what order to put these next lines, and deciding if I'm going to add another line)

These withered walls held me for a while
I died inside while forcing a smile
But they can hold me down for much longer
Weakening as I'm growing stronger
This rape of light and truth, I can't allow
I finally realize this, so I'll go now.....


Life taking backstabber, flee now from me.....
(flee from me)
You're such a bad liar, I won't believe
(I won't believe)


(Slows down to a clean part)

You can't control me, I have learned to break free from your ways (from your ways)
The chains can't hold me, I have found the right key, I won't stay (I won't stay)

(Breakdown with melodic guitar riff over it which leads into a palm muted rhythm that slowly builds up with the following lines over top of the latter)

Your powers dying slowly, your tricks will not control me
I will take hold of who I am inside (inside)
Your kindom's overtaken, can't believe just how mistaken
I could have been at one time but-no-longer.....

(Breaks into a much looser/faster version of previous rhythm)

Your powers dying slowly, your tricks will not control me
I will take hold of who I am inside (inside)
Your kindom's overtaken, can't believe just how mistaken
I could have been at one time but-no-longer.....


Thanks in advance for any opinions, I'll be happy to check out anyones elses work as well, this is my first post in this section (don't worry, I read the rules), but it certainly won't be my last.
#2
thanks for the response, i'll crit this tomorrow. i'm off to poetry class, woohoo!! (pm me if i forget, i've got the memory of a gnat)
#3
Hmm, I guess with the hard rock feel, It would sound alright... But with all the backed words, are they said after, Or during the lead saying them?

Also, Who or what exactly is the power over you? And why are they losing the power? These are things I think need abit more explaining.

Other than that, It all seems really cool, I am a fan of breakdowns, Drum lifts and Crecendio In a gaining lift rhythm.

Good job, Think up a cool name for this one, and link me to a recording sometime.

You can see my newest one on the first page, It is called, And Peace Shall Sleep. thanks
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#4
Thanks guys, the words are repeated, by the the background singer, just to add emphasis.
I'm a christian, so most of my songs have that influence. I didn't explain this because I wanted the lyrics to be judged by the actual writing, not what I chose to write about since I know most people on this site don't share my opinion when it comes to beliefs. But I probably should have explained what I was talking about and clarified that afterwords. If you think about it though, it could really mean whatever you want it to. One person could see it as being about a past addiction, another person, a tramatic experience, it all depends on your point of view.

Thanks for the replies, I was starting to think I wasn't going to get any.
Keep 'em coming guys, and I'll be happy to answer any questions.
#5
Rise to fight for life and new fire
Seek the heat, the beat that inspires
Roll the dice,the stakes are so dire
The stake are so dire sounds a bit forced to me. It might be the added emphasis of so, I don't think it's needed. I think you could find a much better way of phrasing that.
Hit the switch to shut down this liar.....
I don't really like the use of a demonstrative adjective here. We don't really know which specific one you're refering to because we weren't given other liars for it to differ from. You have no previous mention of liars that require you to point one specific one out, so the demonstrative is unneeded. (I hope that makes sense. It may not, I'm not great at explaining these kinds of things.)

Chorus:
Life taking backstabber, flee now from me.....
Not fond of the placement of now... sounds a bit awkward.
(flee from me)
You're such a bad liar, I won't believe
Liar has already been used, plus it was refering to another person, I believe. Unless here you are adressing them and have switched who the intended you is supposed to be. If the liar you are addressing here is the same as the person in the first verse, you need to make that a bit clearer.
(I won't believe)

(I'm having trouble figuring out what order to put these next lines, and deciding if I'm going to add another line)

These withered walls held me for a while
I died inside while forcing a smile
Nice rhyming. The pair is overdone, but you pull it off well. Keep it.
But they can hold me down for much longer
Weakening as I'm growing stronger
How is this happening exactly? Clarification needed here.
This rape of light and truth, I can't allow
Odd phrasing. Try not to put the direct object before the actual clause to much. It doesn't flow well.
I finally realize this, so I'll go now.....


Life taking backstabber, flee now from me.....
(flee from me)
You're such a bad liar, I won't believe
(I won't believe)


(Slows down to a clean part)

You can't control me, I have learned to break free from your ways (from your ways)
The chains can't hold me, I have found the right key, I won't stay (I won't stay)

(Breakdown with melodic guitar riff over it which leads into a palm muted rhythm that slowly builds up with the following lines over top of the latter)

Your powers dying slowly, your tricks will not control me
I will take hold of who I am inside (inside)
Your kindom's overtaken, can't believe just how mistaken
I could have been at one time but-no-longer.....

(Breaks into a much looser/faster version of previous rhythm)

Your powers dying slowly, your tricks will not control me
I will take hold of who I am inside (inside)
Your kindom's overtaken, can't believe just how mistaken
I could have been at one time but-no-longer.....

Neat. All of this is great. No complaints.

Overall, this is okay. Other than the stuff I mentioned up there, you have a great song. I hope this helps a bit.

BTW, thanks for the crit on mine.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
Thanks so much, I actually checked yours out specifically because I saw how great your reviews were. Just to clarify, the two liars are speaking of the same person, I just changed the stance from speaking to myself to speaking to the actual liar. And I see what you mean about saying "this liar",but the emphasis is on the word liar, not on this, so it doesn't sound as odd as it may seem.

And I forgot to mention that the chorus is sung in a drawn out way that stretches the words, when I saw what you said about the "now", I was like, oh, that's a typo, but then I remembered the way it's meant to be sung, and it doesn't sound awkward, but there's obviously no way you could have known that.

Thanks for a very specific, honest review. The song will be recorded some time this spring, so you guys can check it out then. I wish I had it now to help with the melody, but I guess I'll have to wait. Any more opinions are extremely welcome.