#1
Timmy drew a stick girlfriend,
She answered to the pen,
Drew her perfect,
As perfect saw,
Drew her just for him

Kept away in his room,
They wouldn’t understand,
Without a fault,
Reason scares,
Brings panic to the land,

Over time the paper creased,
Had to all redraw,
A tainted body,
Not so Special,
Too easy to pick out flaws,

But Timmy’s page it was but blank,
Nothing to the eye,
Sins are pure,
And white is Black,
Perfection is a lie.
#2
Wow, I can't even crit this. There's nothing to fix, man. I love the last verse it's ****ing awesome.

You, sir, are very, very talented. I applaud thee.

Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
i think you should change the title. I clicked on this expecting a simple loud song but instead stumbled upon this poetic masterpeice.
#4
Agreed that the title's doesn't do justice to the writing itself.

No specific flaw to point out, in fact,

I posted just to ask that you'd post more.

#5
The title is horrible. I was barely going to crit it, but you know, you did spit a couple of sentences at my piece. Let me repay the favor.

Timmy drew a stick girlfriend,
She answered to the pen,
Drew her perfect,
As perfect saw,
Drew her just for him
Well, it's not too bad for what it is. You used "drew" 3 times. It's a bit lacking as a whole stanza, especially in such a short piece, but I suppose you wanted to keep it simple.

Kept away in his room,
They wouldn’t understand,
Without a fault,
Reason scares,
Brings panic to the land,
And simple is stayed. The only glimpse of interest here was anticipating the last line, which was the oddest thing. I felt like the Norwegian dudes from Falconer were about to break out with a synth solo on me. Didn't fit the rest of the stanza, or piece.

Over time the paper creased,
Had to all redraw,
A tainted body,
Not so Special,
Too easy to pick out flaws,
"Had to all redraw" sounds weird and is too obviously there for the rhyme. Fix it. Also, your love of commas may kill you at some point. Beware.

But Timmy’s page it was but blank,
Nothing to the eye,
Sins are pure,
And white is Black,
Perfection is a lie.
Diving deep at the end, eh? I just wish I would have gotten something out of reading this. I just think that there's something still missing... the scene and conclusion just don't add up. This is bad math.

Listen, knowing to write is one thing, having something to write about is another. Some people can pull it off without combining the two. They just sit in front of the paper/screen and come up with masterpieces. I think you have a bit of a road to walk before you can reach there. Just try and write about things you care about or that you have any emotion towards.
Yes! Emotion. That's what was missing in the piece.

Good luck, I do wish you well and remember - it's just my opinion, feel free to ignore it.


Carmel
This is not a pipe