#1
My first song attempt.... crits welcomed.


Many things must be completed,
before this mental war is over.
You either win or get defeated,
no matter the outcome, it all stays the same.

Why can't you just understand?
no matter what i do,
no matter how it's done,
Cant you just see it's for you?
You just walk away....

Why do you do what you do,
acting like it wont come back to you.
With all the blood running down your hand,
why cant you let me lead you toward this land?

Why can't you just understand?
no matter what i do,
no matter how it's done,
Cant you just see it's for you?
You just walk away....

Listen to me,
listen to me.
folow my steps,
you will never have to flee.

Keep doing what you want,
you will eventually learn,
that nothing matters.
Nobody cares anymore.
So why dont you do us all.....
A FAVOR AND DIE!

thats it... i'm probably going to make it longer.
Last edited by axe395 at Feb 25, 2007,
#2
Many things must be completed,
before this menta war is over.'mental'
You either win or get defeated,defeated makes it sound a bit choppy
no matter the outcome, it all stays the same.

Why can't you just understand?
no matter what i do,
no matter how it's done,
Cant you just see it's for you?
You just walk away....
hm, mabe add 'leaving me here" for a last line

Why do you do what you do,
acting like it wont come back to you.
With all the blood running down your hand,
why cant you let me lead you toward this land?
last line seems a bit stretched out, plus land seems to be there only to rhyme

Why can't you just understand?
no matter what i do,
no matter how it's done,
Cant you just see it's for you?
You just walk away....

Listen to me,
listen to me.
folow my steps,follow
you will never have to flee.
hm, mabe change to 'and you will never escape away,from this reality'

Keep doing what you want,
you will eventually learn,
that nothing matters.mabe move the 'anymore' to this line'
Nobody cares anymore.
So why dont you do us all.....
a favor and die.lol sal,this ending is so you, but it doesnt go well with it.lol


yo ok, pretty good for ur first song sal. u only used ur chorus twice, altho it doesnt matter, it bothered me how little u used it, but thts just me. just a few lines here and there threw it off, or made it slightly choppy, but nothing major, still only my opinion.
7/10
#3
thx for the crit, i know the outro had nothing to do with the song.. lol.... and i just made that last line that because it sounds cool.
#4
Many things must be completed,
before this mental war is over.
You either win or get defeated,
no matter the outcome, it all stays the same.

1st, 2nd and 3rd line = really nice. 4th line = it kind of doesn't go with the flow. Imo, you could make it rhyme with the 2nd line. Not necessarily a consonant rhyme, but similar vocals would definetely make it better.


Why can't you just understand?
no matter what i do,
no matter how it's done,
Cant you just see it's for you?
You just walk away....

Great, simple but effective. Try "Cant you see that it's for you" if you don't want to repeat. If you do want to repeat, leave it like that. Really good rhyming here, 1st-3rd lines and 2nd-4th lines. That's what you should do with the first stanza, imo.

Agree with Ragglefaggle that it'd be good to add one last line after the "You just walk away", dunno if "leaving me here" would be just right, but something like that, yes.


Why do you do what you do,
acting like it wont come back to you.
With all the blood running down your hand,
why cant you let me lead you toward this land?

4th line is too long. Try "Let me lead you to this land", or "Please let me lead you to this land" Other than that, really good. You're repeating the "do" and the "you", but I'm guessing you actually meant to do it.


Why can't you just understand?
no matter what i do,
no matter how it's done,
Cant you just see it's for you?
You just walk away....

Listen to me,
listen to me.
folow my steps,
you will never have to flee.

Nice but maybe way TOO simple for my taste. Just personal opinion here tho

Keep doing what you want,
you will eventually learn,
that nothing matters.
Nobody cares anymore.
So why dont you do us all.....
a favor and die.

Try rephrasing 3rd and 4th line - "Nothing really matters / No-one cares anymore". Sounds better to me, just an idea. The last two lines, I didn't quite like them, they do sound quite cool, but maybe way too harsh, considering what you've been saying during the whole song.

All in all, I rly liked it, the idea is nice and the rhyme too. You'd have to work on rephrasing some lines to make them sound better. Congrats, 7/10
Got too deep but - how deep is too deep?

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