#1
ok this is one of the first songs i ever wrote, so yeah. crit 4 crit.


particles of magic and love are flying by
blending in my world, eating up time
try to blow it all away but i just cant,
seeking to remove the unwanted plant.

Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt

i really cant help it, its just consuming my heart
with its smooth lethal petals that can tear a stone appart
its like being infested with a malicious drug
It slowly kills, i guess this is what they call love.

- Guitar Solo -

im drowning in this foreign flavor, gasping for air
and even though i try to erase it, its still there
ruining everything with its poisonous roots planted deep in the dirt
theres nothing really left to do but, let the fire burn.

Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
so i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt


oh and about the title, im still thinking of a title and i just didnt want to put untitled in the thread title. So that is the title for now i guess
#2
particles of magic and love are flying by
Here, I think if you avoided the passive verb, you could fit more. Instead of saying, 'are flying by', you could say 'fly by' and put a nifty little adverb in there to further describe what's going on. It creates better imagery.
blending in my world, eating up time
Nice participles, but I don't like how the first one is phrased. I think it would sound better if you described how they were blending instead of where they were. The fact that it is happening in your world is pretty implied and almost a given.
try to blow it all away but i just cant,
seeking to remove the unwanted plant.
This participle seems oddly placed since you state after the clause it's modifying has already been contradicted. It's placed a bit too late. It's like, "Oh, I'm going to do this, but I can't, here's more about what I was going to do but can't anyways." Doesn't make too much sense to me.

Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
This is really redundant. You called it a new planet, we've already deduced you've never been before. Try not to repeat old information, it really drags the song down.
i try to find the exit but
We don't know why you don't like this new place. You have given us no incentive or dropped any clues telling us why. I suggest using the previous line that basically repeats information and use it to tell us why you are trying to escape the new planet.
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt
I love the rhyming here. Great job, man.

i really cant help it, its just consuming my heart
You've already said you can't help it. New info please.
with its smooth lethal petals that can tear a stone appart
its like being infested with a malicious drug
I think a metaphor would go alot farther here than a simile. Just a thought.
It slowly kills, i guess this is what they call love.
You've already used the word kill. Try replacing it to avoid tiresome vocab repetition.

- Guitar Solo -

im drowning in this foreign flavor, gasping for air
I love the alliteration of 'foreign flavor'. Nice job.
and even though i try to erase it, its still there
ruining everything with its poisonous roots planted deep in the dirt
theres nothing really left to do but, let the fire burn.
Comma not needed right there. Other than that, really nice verse. The best by far.

Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
so i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt

Great ending.

Overall, this is amazing. I love your perspective on love, it's very original in my opinion. Hopefully, this will help at least a little bit.

Please take a look at mine, if you don't mind. It's called Ticking Time Bomb, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
Quote by nerk13
particles of magic and love are flying by
Here, I think if you avoided the passive verb, you could fit more. Instead of saying, 'are flying by', you could say 'fly by' and put a nifty little adverb in there to further describe what's going on. It creates better imagery.
blending in my world, eating up time
Nice participles, but I don't like how the first one is phrased. I think it would sound better if you described how they were blending instead of where they were. The fact that it is happening in your world is pretty implied and almost a given.
try to blow it all away but i just cant,
seeking to remove the unwanted plant.
This participle seems oddly placed since you state after the clause it's modifying has already been contradicted. It's placed a bit too late. It's like, "Oh, I'm going to do this, but I can't, here's more about what I was going to do but can't anyways." Doesn't make too much sense to me.

Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
This is really redundant. You called it a new planet, we've already deduced you've never been before. Try not to repeat old information, it really drags the song down.
i try to find the exit but
We don't know why you don't like this new place. You have given us no incentive or dropped any clues telling us why. I suggest using the previous line that basically repeats information and use it to tell us why you are trying to escape the new planet.
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt
I love the rhyming here. Great job, man.

i really cant help it, its just consuming my heart
You've already said you can't help it. New info please.
with its smooth lethal petals that can tear a stone appart
its like being infested with a malicious drug
I think a metaphor would go alot farther here than a simile. Just a thought.
It slowly kills, i guess this is what they call love.
You've already used the word kill. Try replacing it to avoid tiresome vocab repetition.

- Guitar Solo -

im drowning in this foreign flavor, gasping for air
I love the alliteration of 'foreign flavor'. Nice job.
and even though i try to erase it, its still there
ruining everything with its poisonous roots planted deep in the dirt
theres nothing really left to do but, let the fire burn.
Comma not needed right there. Other than that, really nice verse. The best by far.

Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
so i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt

Great ending.

Overall, this is amazing. I love your perspective on love, it's very original in my opinion. Hopefully, this will help at least a little bit.

Please take a look at mine, if you don't mind. It's called Ticking Time Bomb, thanks.


wow, thanks for the crit, ill definatly consider working on it. oh and at the chorus where it says i try to find an exit, is because i really dont want to be there, i dont want to fall in love, but theres no way to avoid it.
anyway thanks for the crit, ill crit yours tomorrow, im going to bed now
#4
Glad to have helped.

Make sure you some how put into the song the fact that you don't want to fall in love. It would really improve the quality and clarity of the song.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#6
particles of magic and love are flying by
blending in my world, eating up time
try to blow it all away but i just cant,
seeking to remove the unwanted plant.
seeking to remove the unwanted plant, it seems to me that that was just there for more words, but the more i read it it starts to sound better, maybe a little more explanation of what the unwanted plant is
Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt
nothing i can see wrong with this, except , the last 2 lines i know its killing me but, i dont think there should be a but in there
i really cant help it, its just consuming my heart
with its smooth lethal petals that can tear a stone appart
its like being infested with a malicious drug
It slowly kills, i guess this is what they call love.
is the poem about love or is that last line just there for more words?
- Guitar Solo -

im drowning in this foreign flavor, gasping for air
and even though i try to erase it, its still there
ruining everything with its poisonous roots planted deep in the dirt
theres nothing really left to do but, let the fire burn.
here are some words to use instead of but in the last line , i got off thesaurus, aside from, bar, barring, beside, but, except, excepting, excluding, exclusive of, other than, outside of, save, without try one of those
Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
so i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt


nice work i like the idea of the poem even though i dont realy understand it.
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#7
Quote by ihaterap101
particles of magic and love are flying by
blending in my world, eating up time
try to blow it all away but i just cant,
seeking to remove the unwanted plant.
seeking to remove the unwanted plant, it seems to me that that was just there for more words, but the more i read it it starts to sound better, maybe a little more explanation of what the unwanted plant is
Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt
nothing i can see wrong with this, except , the last 2 lines i know its killing me but, i dont think there should be a but in there
i really cant help it, its just consuming my heart
with its smooth lethal petals that can tear a stone appart
its like being infested with a malicious drug
It slowly kills, i guess this is what they call love.
is the poem about love or is that last line just there for more words?
- Guitar Solo -

im drowning in this foreign flavor, gasping for air
and even though i try to erase it, its still there
ruining everything with its poisonous roots planted deep in the dirt
theres nothing really left to do but, let the fire burn.
here are some words to use instead of but in the last line , i got off thesaurus, aside from, bar, barring, beside, but, except, excepting, excluding, exclusive of, other than, outside of, save, without try one of those
Chorus:
then i wake up inspecting this new planet
somewhere ive never been before
so i try to find the exit but
there really isnt one.
after many tries i give up,
and just let everything melt
i know its killing me but,
its the best thing ive ever felt


nice work i like the idea of the poem even though i dont realy understand it.


its not a poem, its a song
its about falling in love, with someone you dont want to and theres really nothing you can do.
anyway thanks for the crit