#1
Hey guys, I'm looking for some criticism on a fairly recent piece. It's kind of a piano driven pop-punk song that's an attempt to venture away from the weird, ambiguous nature of every else I ever seem to write.. Crit 4 Crit.

Pre-Verse: Woke up today to a green blue sky
sheets unkempt, pulled over my eyes
as I prayed to something that she didn't like him

Early mornings never felt so harsh
Amplified and bitter but never quite dark
And the sun will shine, it'll rise and come and go..

Welcome to today.

Verse #1:It's a monday morning and coffee sounds quaint
It's a pullover sweater and a sleeve that's frayed
and I'm making noises that aren't quite words
I'm biting my nails as my stomach turns
It's 8:15 and there's tail-lights forever
This radio's blaring and the songs could be better
and I'm pretty sure my eyes are bleeding
Skull is pounding, mind is peeling
But I think I'll stay stuck.
I think I'll..

Chorus: Breathe. Breathe, yes I'll breathe.
Breathing when your car explodes
And breathing when you can't let go..
Just breathe

Verse #2: With my eyes on the pavement and my heart in my hands
I clear the fog from the windows and grip the wheel and dance
and I'm singing songs that I can't remember
I'm blocking out the loss of last November
But I think I'll stay stuck.
I think I'll..
#2
i was about to tell u it was horrible when i read Woke up today to a green blue sky
sheets UNKEMPT, <---- that word. but i really liked the rest of it. great work, i'd like to hear it if u recorded it. beauty cheers
#3
eh, I would have to hear the music first before I can give a good crit.

BUT, It is well written, But a few things need work, I think you already know where they are. just a touch up.

If you could just read one of mine over and give me a quick opinion i would appreciate it.

And peace shall sleep
An Unfillible void

Either one is fine, Both on first page.
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you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


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