#1
This is an acoustic song I wrote for a friend. It has some feelings from me, But It is meant for her. I tried to put my self into it as well as portray what it was she was looking for.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Deep inside my body lies a place where we must not go,
Where it is or how we get there, we may never know.
But it aches and pains, Stress through the days,
As things pour in, The basin fills, But The water is bitter to taste.

Quests of happiness lead me to lands untold,
Through ditches of mystery my story unfolds.
For things come in but quickly make haste,
The scent of the water wrinkles my face.


Persuit of love shows me things I had never seen.
Just anyone who understood, In my mind would be keen.
though complex in nature, it is easy to percieve,
Yet the clarity of the water may seem to decieve.


Seeking in anger the solution to resentments held from long ago.
I strike with spite, Visions of hatred, with powers of envy my fists glow.
though my rage surges, my eyes stay silent, my stature stiff and poise.
Even now, My brow curls. Strained ears struggle to hear the reassuring dripping noise.


The gentle resolve of unresolved confusion,
I stand true a moral figure of constitution.
though I seek the touch of enlightenment,
I stir the settling tides of emptyness,
My finger shakes from the cold Repress,
The feeling of helplessness in my own recess.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#2
Great lyrics, I can definitely see this working with some good acoustic work.
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
#3
Yeah, I hoped you would like it. She has a beautiful voice... Kind of a Evanessence sound with her acoustic guitar.

I hope people picked up the five sences leading her Wrongly, For a thing she can't find, But is desperately missing. I do not want to give the personal meaning behind it, As it is her business and she trusted me with it. I was glad to help her when she asked for my lyrical Help.

She enjoys my work and I hope everyone else does also, Because thats why I do it. I write about What inspires me at the time. If it makes someone else happy at all, That is the payment I prefer.

If anyone wants to see my full works as of now, Please feel free to ask, And I will Pm them to you.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#4
Excellent man, theres an emotion you can't help but feel when you read this. You might write for yourself man, but think about it like this. If you're feeling something, chances are somebody out there is feeling it too. That's powerful, and you conveyed a feeling really well is also powerful. Thanks for the crit on mine, and keep this stuff up.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#5
Deep inside my body lies a place where we must not go,
Where it is or how we get there, we may never know.
But it aches and pains, Stress through the days,
As things pour in, The basin fills, But The water is bitter to taste.

like the imagery and flow here. intresting use of a basin as a metaphor. Good start

Quests of happiness lead me to lands untold,
Through ditches of mystery my story unfolds.
For things come in but quickly make haste,
The scent of the water wrinkles my face.

I like how the last line here and the last line in the first stanza are along similar lines (well they're about water). Again there isn't anything that I can say is wrong or anything like that

Persuit of love shows me things I had never seen.
Just anyone who understood, In my mind would be keen.
though complex in nature, it is easy to percieve,
Yet the clarity of the water may seem to decieve.

Again the theme is maintained, and the rhymes don't seem forced, yet they don't seem effortless either...it's a bit strange, but not in any way a bad thing, good flow again

Seeking in anger the solution to resentments held from long ago.
I strike with spite, Visions of hatred, with powers of envy my fists glow.
though my rage surges, my eyes stay silent, my stature stiff and poise.
Even now, My brow curls. Strained ears struggle to hear the reassuring dripping noise.

Good use of imagery. One point would it be possible to change a couple of words in the second line to try and continue the alliteration? It just seems the perfect place to carry on with the strike+spite sort of thing

The gentle resolve of unresolved confusion,
I stand true a moral figure of constitution.
though I seek the touch of enlightenment,
I stir the settling tides of emptyness,
My finger shakes from the cold Repress,
The feeling of helplessness in my own recess.

Good ending. I like the sort of first syllable rhyme you've got going on there.

Overall a solid piece that I quite liked. The flow was good, the vocab wasn't simple yet not complicated either. Yeah so at least 8(maybe 9) out of 10 from me.

Oh yeah, thanks for the crit on my song
#6
I am quite flattered that you enjoyed it. That makes me feel really good. I am thank you for all the kind comments and I do hope I made you guys happy with it.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#7
Quote by Deluster
This is an acoustic song I wrote for a friend. It has some feelings from me, But It is meant for her. I tried to put my self into it as well as portray what it was she was looking for.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Deep inside my body lies a place where we must not go,
Where it is or how we get there, we may never know.
But it aches and pains, Stress through the days,
As things pour in, The basin fills, But The water is bitter to taste.

im like this or atleast i think i do. im not huge on the wording like the 'where we must not go', 'we may never know' but i think it fits the style you are going for.

Quests of happiness lead me to lands untold,
Through ditches of mystery my story unfolds.
For things come in but quickly make haste,
The scent of the water wrinkles my face.

i love the last line, the confusion in it is nice. the rest of this is pretty good but nothing that made me say wow

Persuit of love shows me things I had never seen.
Just anyone who understood, In my mind would be keen.
though complex in nature, it is easy to percieve,
Yet the clarity of the water may seem to decieve.

the last 2 lines have so much potential but the forced rhyme of percieve and deceive throws it off. i think you could come up with something a little more clever than the water just 'deceives' you, that would upgrade this stanza a lot.

Seeking in anger the solution to resentments held from long ago.
I strike with spite, Visions of hatred, with powers of envy my fists glow.
though my rage surges, my eyes stay silent, my stature stiff and poise.
Even now, My brow curls. Strained ears struggle to hear the reassuring dripping noise.

i like the first line a lot, but the descriptions and such in the 2nd line are a little straightfoward and cliche. i think this piece is almost abstract but weak lines like those are kind of bring it down.

The gentle resolve of unresolved confusion,
I stand true a moral figure of constitution.
though I seek the touch of enlightenment,
I stir the settling tides of emptyness,
My finger shakes from the cold Repress,
The feeling of helplessness in my own recess.

perfect ending


this piece has a lot of potential but right now there are a few key things holding it back from just being a really really good song.

7/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524
if you have time just tell me what you think of my new piece
#8
I understand that. And thank you for the crit. With the way it is played and sung, The abstract-cliche-ness kind of adds to it... just hard to know that through the internet.

I will take a look straight away.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#9
Deep inside my body lies a place where we must not go,
Where it is or how we get there, we may never know.
But it aches and pains, Stress through the days,
As things pour in, The basin fills, But The water is bitter to taste. Really liked this stanza

Quests of happiness lead me to lands untold,
Through ditches of mystery my story unfolds.
For things come in but quickly make haste,
The scent of the water wrinkles my face. this line sounds like a forced rhyme.. maybe reword it alitte.


Persuit of love shows me things I had never seen.
Just anyone who understood, In my mind would be keen.
though complex in nature, it is easy to percieve,
Yet the clarity of the water may seem to decieve. really liked this, and i also like ur rhyming scheme for the whole piece


Seeking in anger the solution to resentments held from long ago.
I strike with spite, Visions of hatred, with powers of envy my fists glow.
though my rage surges, my eyes stay silent, my stature stiff and poise.
Even now, My brow curls. Strained ears struggle to hear the reassuring dripping noise. You used alot of words that i find sorta hard to say as a song.. but as long as you can sing them with clarity, its good


The gentle resolve of unresolved confusion, Really liked this line.
I stand true a moral figure of constitution.
though I seek the touch of enlightenment,
I stir the settling tides of emptyness,
My finger shakes from the cold Repress,
The feeling of helplessness in my own recess. Pretty well built ending.

Thx for the crit. This was a good piece i really liked it. Great flow and great rhyming scheme. 9.5/10
#10
Thank you much, It brings me great joy for all the encouraging words.
I am pretty emotional with my songs, however good or bad they are a part of me.

You connecting with it is magic for me.

Thanks much and I will give yours a look over right now.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt