#1
"Head Case"


I see the light shining above your head.
can you see my shadow? we touch,
collide, stare for hours
into eachothers eyes.
Lonley days, selfish nights lead to you and me
tangled among the floorboards.
I'm not healthy, come and see me tonight.

I want to visit everyplace you share with me
in my head
I want to set the night alive
bring to life.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

Strangers pass and we wonder,
are they're lives as complicated?
No need for words we never speak.
I'm not healthy come and see me tonight.


I want to visit everyplace you share with me
in my head
I want to set the night alive
bring to life.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

The night shines red in your eyes
against the darkened sky
i fall to pieces
I fall down

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.


Crit plz!
#2
Quote by so last summer
"Head Case"


I see the light shining above your head.
can you see my shadow? we touch,
These lines are good, Just put We collide on the next line for a better flow

collide, stare for hours
into eachothers eyes.
Lonley days, selfish nights lead to you and me
tangled among the floorboards.
I'm not healthy, come and see me tonight.

Starts off to a good start but comes downhill as the flow loses potency. choice of words is good, just needs work on phrasing.

I want to visit everyplace you share with me
in my head
I want to set the night alive
bring to life.

solid enough, Odd rhyme scheme, Something I quite enjoy doing in my work.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

This would feel stronger with the last line left out, Would shift the pace better as the scheme changes with the mood of the lyrics. Also what is there should be phrased better with a choice of words picked abit more carefully.

Strangers pass and we wonder,
are they're lives as complicated?
No need for words we never speak.
I'm not healthy come and see me tonight.

The end of this stanza kind of spoils it. Just doesn't fit together.


I want to visit everyplace you share with me
in my head
I want to set the night alive
bring to life.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

The night shines red in your eyes
against the darkened sky
i fall to pieces
I fall down

once again, Leave out the last line, Or switch the last two for better flow.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.


Crit plz!



Quite alright, I like to find potential in each song, This has enough. With some work and some revision, As all writers do, (Do not let them fool you, Nothing is perfect on the first draft.) This will be a great work.

Check out Either of my newest, And peace shall sleep or The unfillable void.

Thanks much friend.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#3
I see the light shining above your head.
If you are going to use see in the next line, I suggest replacing 'see' here with another word. Avoid redundacy. If you want them to be the same, for the sake of parallel structure or emphasis, then you need a much stronger verb. See just doesn't draw enough attention to itself or really get the job done, in my opinion.
can you see my shadow? we touch,
A stronger verb than touch would really improve this stanza. It's really generic and undescriptive, if you know what I mean.
collide, stare for hours
I love collide. Nice metaphor.
into each others eyes.
Lonley days, selfish nights lead to you and me
It should be 'You and I'. It sounds weird otherwise, not to mention gramatically incorrect. Of course, you may not particularly care about that. IDK, just wanted to throw that out there.
tangled among the floorboards.
I'm not healthy, come and see me tonight.
Hmmm... is there a more subtle way you could you aren't healthy? It seems like you're trying to cram alot in right there. If not, it's nothing too big. I'm just nitpicking.

I want to visit every place you share with me
in my head
I want to set the night alive
bring to life.
IDK, is this last line needed? It's really redundant and doesn't really contribute any extraordinary imagery.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
To me, it sounds better if you replace else with left. "There's nowhere left to run but in my head."
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
You have a lot of extra words in here. First, it's kinda obvious you won't be alone if he/she is with you... but I think you mean something else, so you really need to get that across. Second, near with me is odd phrasing. If he/she is near, well then I suppose they would be with you. We can assume that. Take a look at this and determine if you can cut back on a few of these words and make the message here a bit clearer.
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
You've already used need. It's already pretty bland, so don't try to overuse. Use something stronger here to tell us how much you need them.
In my head.

Strangers pass and we wonder,
are they're lives as complicated?
Wrong word. I think you mean 'their'. Don't worry about it, I make the same mistake all the time. Probably just a typo.
No need for words we never speak.
I'm not healthy come and see me tonight.
This line bothers me for some strange reason.... IDK, might just be me.


I want to visit everyplace you share with me
in my head
I want to set the night alive
bring to life.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

The night shines red in your eyes
You've already used shines. Just a thought.
against the darkened sky
Well, we already know it's night, so I think darkened is unneeded. Put another spiffy adjective there and give us more about the setting and overall mood.
i fall to pieces
I fall down
A bit cliche... but I think it works.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

There's nowhere else to run but in my head
I'm safe and strong.
I'll never be alone when you are near with me,
in the corner, on the floor, I need you more.
In my head.

Nice ending. No complaints here.

Overall, this is cool. The vocabulary could be a bit better, just avoid using the same word more than once. Also, be sure to use not so generic common verbs, especially when they need to grab attention. I liked your imagery and the flow was pretty nice. I only found a few slight rough patches, but they weren't really anything too harsh to worry about. Nice job, man.

If you don't mind, please take a look at mine and return the favor. It's called Ticking Time Bomb, thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep