#1
Well, here's a new song, crit 4 crit of course.

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

Take the mushrooms and now you're outta your mind
The room is spiraling and now your brain is fried
You jump off a cliff 'cause you think you can fly
And now you hit the ground, you're as dead as a french fry

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

[break/"interlude]
probably have some beatboxing

You buy the bag 'cause you got nothing better to do
The room is dark 'cause the last lightbulb just blew
You can't think straight 'cause you were just sniffing some glue
And now all you can listen to is Pink Floyd and The Who

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

Small bass solo and probably some beatboxing on top

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you
Last edited by ARCtrooper225 at Feb 23, 2007,
#2
Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Nice setting set-up.
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you
Wow, this is perfect. It's simple, but it gets the point across. The rhyming is fine, nothing sounds forced. I didn't find one place where the flow was disturbed at all, it's very smooth. You have a knack for simple writing, I see.

Take the mushrooms and now you're outta your mind
The room is spiraling and now your brain is fried
Great parallel structure.
You jump off a cliff 'cause you think that you can fly
To me it flowed better if you say, "You think you can fly." I don't think the 'that' is necessary.
And now you hit the ground, you just came from the sky
Oohh... the first hint of forced rhyming. This last part is really redundant, you said she was flying, so we can pretty much assume she's in the sky. It's a given. I suggest taking that part out and rewriting something else there.

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

[break/"interlude]
probably have some beatboxing

You buy the bag 'cause you got nothing better to do
I guess this will work depending on how you sing it, I'm not a fan of slang (really informal language) in songs, though. Just personal preference.
The room is dark 'cause the last lightbulb just blew
Awkward phrasing.
You can't think straight 'cause you were just sniffing some glue
And now all you can listen to is Pink Floyd and The Who
Too much rhyming. I know it's unintentional but the last line has rhyming within itself that seriously distracts (and annoys) the listener/reader.

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

Small bass solo and probably some beatboxing on top

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

Underneath the sign
In the pouring rain
Don't know what I'm doing
Going insane
Staring at the wall
With nothing to do
I'll be standing right here
Waiting for you

Alot of repetition, but I suppose it will work. Overall, this isn't half bad. Just needs a little improvement. I hope this helps. Thanks for the crit on mine.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
Thanks for the crit. And as for the "knack for simple writing" comment, I honestly don't know if that's a good or bad thing, so I'll just take it as a compliment I made some changes from what you said, so hopefully it will be somewhat better.
#4
Yeah, that's definitely a compliment.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Very good piece but the only lines that might need changing are:
you're as dead as a french fry - idk about this i personally think you just came from the sky was better.

I also agree that: And now all you can listen to is Pink Floyd and The Who has too much rhyming, and personally I am not a big fan of talking about other bands in songs. That is just my opinion im sure many people like that so idk if i would change that because of me.

i like the song a lot though keep up the good writing.
#6
I think it's good. I like how you manage to put some humor in the verses, like "dead as a french fry" and "sniffing some glue". And yeah, the rhyming does seem forced in some spots, but I don't think it takes away from the song too much.