#1
When she loods at me with her bright eyes,
I don't think she knows what she does.
I feel these shivers walk up and down my spine,
My mind stops talking to me for awhile.
What kind of spell has she cast on me?

We go together to a place, somewhere special,
We decide to leave our burdens there.
So we wash our hands and leave with ashes.
Walk through the door to the real world,
The air burns our skin.
What kind of spell am i in?

She can't stand to look at the things that,
Make her and i human beings.
So she lives in a sea of questions always searching,
Searching for something to find.
I seem to be a simple man witha simple mind,
I think she can get me away from my desert life.

When she loods at me with her bright eyes,
I don't think she knows what she does.
I feel these shivers walk up and down my spine,
My mind stops talking to me for awhile.
What kind of spell has she cast on me?
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#2
anyone have anything to say?
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#3
Dont double post, its considered bumping, and self-bumping isn't permitted. Let others bump it for you.
#4
dood why would you waste ur time telling me not to post and not take anytime to let me know wut you think? oh well i guess no one cares here
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#5
axe, that was the opposite of cool, man...

When she loods at me with her bright eyes,<---looks, maybe? haha
I don't think she knows what she does.
I feel these shivers walk up and down my spine,
My mind stops talking to me for awhile.
What kind of spell has she cast on me?
((this part's alright, it's a little cliche and I'd like to see some more descriptive language, it'll bring it alive.))

We go together to a place, somewhere special, <---describe the place!! and don't use the word place or special.
We decide to leave our burdens there.
So we wash our hands and leave with ashes.
Walk through the door to the real world, <--- come up with another phrase for "real world"
The air burns our skin.
What kind of spell am i in?
((this is the best part of the piece. I like when people refer to nonmaterial objects as tangible. good stuff in this one))

She can't stand to look at the things that, <--- good idea, i'd rephrase a bit
Make her and i human beings.
So she lives in a sea of questions always searching,
Searching for something to find.
I seem to be a simple man witha simple mind,
I think she can get me away from my desert life.
(( this part is unclear. she can't stand to look at things like what? line 4 is kinda lame, in line 5 don't use "seem" it makes everything sound weak. good last line))

When she loods at me with her bright eyes,
I don't think she knows what she does.
I feel these shivers walk up and down my spine,
My mind stops talking to me for awhile.
What kind of spell has she cast on me?


yeah, i like your style, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. i would dive into the experience a little more, like you did with the second stanza. i'd like to see another draft.

peace -edgar
#6
thnx bud i appreciate the crit... ill try to tweak it a bit and post it again
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#7
Quote by ndakasimba
axe, that was the opposite of cool, man...


Well those are the rules, and you have to folow them.